Adulting

Just now I changed into real clothes* (it's almost 9 pm as I begin writing this) so that I'll have something to change out of in a few hours. I'm only now changing because I've spent the entire day alternating between studying for a ProveIt test, taking breaks from studying for said test, and feeling like shit (wait, can I say that here? I haven't written in a semi-private forum in so long that cursing "aloud" feels weird) because A. my period isn't quite over and needs me to know it's still around and B. I worked out a bunch yesterday and now I'm sore. Feel sorry for me.

I've spent rather a lot of time recently with a very wise and very generous friend, revamping my resume and writing a skeleton cover letter in preparation for applications to "real adult" jobs...but I forgot, during this whole process, about ProveIt tests.

It's really easy to say things like, "yeah, I'm familiar with the Microsoft Office suite," and then figure that shit out on the fly (initially mistyped that as "on the sly," which is also appropriate), but it's a lot harder to, you know, pass a test on said Office programs. Particularly Excel. Fuck Excel.

Also, apparently ten-key is a thing? I'm a pretty great typist, but not at ten-key.









In other news, I'm good. I mean, the holidays were insane. Absurd. Among other things, an uncle had open heart surgery just before Christmas, and my car bit the dust, and around 11 pm Christmas eve I ran over a dead deer in the middle of an empty highway in a borrowed car, which was totally not stressful at all.

But I got through it, we all got through it (except for my beautiful car), and then. And then on new years' day, Ian proposed on a walk in the woods. So that was lovely, and we're engaged now. And having a wedding and a car to pay for, I've come to accept that the time has come for me to acquire a "real adult" job--the kind with regular hours, and regular pay, and maybe even sick days and PTO and health insurance and company holidays.


I've been considering several companies, and I've applied to three positions at one as well as having my resume forwarded to a company recruiter, and now they've sent me this GD ProveIt test. So here I go.























*I just realized that I'm missing a skirt that I like a lot. A burgundy one from H&M. I'm really hoping that it's in the dead Saab.

Some news

-For the first time in at least six months, I have a working odometer and speedometer in my car.


-I have turned in my invoices for tutoring, and, aside from a few minor changes my boss would like me to make, I am FINISHED. I will not have to turn in an invoice for at least three months. Thank you Jesus.



Camp tomorrow! Not sure I'm ready. Not that it matters...

Notes from the last two days.

There is nothing like the blue stillness of moonlight falling on snow. And the treeshadows are never softer than tonight, in the blue still small hours of the morning.

I am so tired. I need to read Chloe's paper.

Do you remember this? Though my picture wasn't exactly the same, I do. Oh, I do.


My day Wednesday was supposed to go like this: wake up, drive to Northside, meet uncle to figure out car issues, go prime and paint all day, make a bunch of money.

My day Wednesday actually went like this: wake up to a surprise phone call from an aunt: "can you help me pick up and install insulation?"; say "I guess"; call uncle to adjust plans; drive toward aunt's house; redirect to Lowe's; wait 1hr in parking lot; shop for renovation supplies; transport insulation to aunt's house; realize that these clothes, while perfect for priming and painting, are not perfect for insulation installment; argue, get stressed out, measure/cut/install a bunch of unfaced insulation; get fiberglass in eyes despite work goggles; stack firewood; meet with uncle for 10 min and establish that the car won't disintegrate on the highway; arrive home to find dinner guests sitting down to eat; shower; eat and socialize; meet Kelly and Jr and Maggie at a Mexican place to talk and laugh for ages while they have dinner; come home.

All in all, not so bad. Today I had really hoped would be a make-up day for all the work I failed to do yesterday, but then it snowed. I don't like driving in the snow, and I don't like driving in the Fan, so I decided not to try the two together. (Also, my car's front left shocks have been acting insane when they're cold and bouncing me around like mad, which doesn't sound like a great idea in the snow.) It doesn't look good for this project getting done before the tenant returns on Sunday, a probability which I find a little frustrating and a little shaming, though I'm not sure there's a lot I could have done differently.  Today I wrapped presents though, and  made French bread all by myself (unless you count motherly advice), and it turned out very well. I also had the extreme pleasure of consuming for breakfast a fried egg and grits doused in the juice left over from last night's duck. We've never had duck at home. It was fabulous. This was better.

Notes

I went to a beautiful international lessons and carols concert tonight with Anna, and... well, as I said, it was beautiful. The chorus was amazing. I liked almost all of the arrangements, and most of the carols were new to me. The orchestra was excellent. Each reading was in a different language, with the English translation projected on the wall. During each song, works of art related to the nativity (and often to the culture of the song and/or previous reading) were projected on the wall. I teared up a few times.

(Faith, our cat, is sleeping curled up on top of a sheet-covered milk crate. Her head just tipped off the edge and woke her up. Adorable.)

As we were leaving the concert, I was giving Anna a ride to her car, and someone backed straight into me. I have the worst reactions in these sorts of situations. I just sort of watch, dumbfounded, and maybe say something like "stop!" Eventually Anna said "your horn! Honk!" And then I had to find my horn, which broke a while back and has been relocated. Anyway, there's a small dent in my door, and I have the woman's name/number/insurance information. I haven't told my parents yet--I forgot at first.

I remembered when Anna called me around 10:30 to tell me that as she was leaving the birthday party she attended after the concert,

wait for it,

someone backed straight into her car, and hit her in the exact same spot as the woman at the show hit me.

What are the odds?



Speaking of odds, I spent the bulk of my evening after I came home shopping for snow boots. Originally I was shopping for thin wool socks for Scotland, and I was looking on planetshoes.com because they'd sent me a coupon. I searched "wool" on their site, and ran straight into these:

I want them. I want them so bad. But I have been able to semi-successfully convince myself that they wouldn't look good with jeans. Do not dissuade me. I can't even afford them at all. The best price I found was $122, and that took a lot of doing, and was a temporary sale. No one else had them on sale (reg price $160); hardly anyone had them in my size. It was slightly hellish.

I ended up with these, from footwise.com, with which I am pretty well pleased:

As a ridiculously fabulous added bonus, they were on sale because footwise only had them left in one size--my size. NO ONE else had these in my size except maybe Nordstrom's. Nordstrom's was charging $100. The footwise sale was $49. God loves me, I think. Now let's just keep our fingers crossed and hope they fit and all that.











On an unrelated note, I walked Miley tonight. She insists upon strangling herself. I constantly find myself thinking, "Buy a semi-choke collar! Strangulation theoretically optional."

It's in the eye of the beholder.

Mostly trash, in my opinion: tv. I know I harp on it sometimes, and I know I watch it sometimes, but honestly? I don't plan on buying one when I get my own place, or even having one unless one is given to me. If it is, I must admit that it'll probably live in the closet (to be pulled out for special occasions), or under the kitchen table and against the wall like last time. I dislike it enough that I get really annoyed when I am outside at night and I can hear the sounds of a television floating out through someone's open window, or see the lights flashing out through the open curtains and into my very yard. Is that unreasonable?


On a more positive note, I made it back to my hometown with minimal incident today, and even minimal issues with traffic considering that I barely scraped through DC and NoVa before rush hour really hit. The total "car issues" bill for the past seven days is currently hovering around $265, not including gas or the WD-40 I bought to replace that which I had stupidly allowed myself to use up. Please, no more.


Something super cool, and again regarding the title of the post: how open-minded are you about swimming? You can make a skate park out of a pool, but out of what can you make a pool? I realize that in the eyes of some I'm a little behind the times on this. Months behind. I don't read the news, okay? I just follow links. Don't judge me.


Speaking of which, ways in which I am becoming my father #1: I have begun listening to NPR while driving in the car (you know, as opposed to driving in the sofa) or working in the kitchen. Don't... you know. I do what I want.

I am on the internet.

And I am in Maryland. I should be in the shower, but I have this procrastination issue. So really I should be in bed, having taken a shower earlier, because I'll be getting up before ten am. (The horror!) But actually I'm here, in Maryland, online, having watched four(ish) successive episodes of that one show about the Mormons, and read during commercials, and then gotten online.

I had quite the adventure getting here. I left RVA a little before 2 pm, and didn't get picked up by Jill (I'll get to that momentarily) until after 8. Everything was going smoothly, aside from that part where Pennsylvania Avenue never materialized and I drove through DC in rush hour traffic looking for signs to 295, until I noticed that my engine was smoking hardcore and I was stuck in the middle lane. I hastily hung up with Jill and Geoff who were most helpfully giving me new directions and shouldered my way into the right lane and pulled over. I opened my hood and was able to discern through the spray that a hole had appeared in my upper radiator hose, and thus the entire engine (and, momentarily, my face) was being bathed in radiator fluid. I really didn't want to call AAA during rush hour, so I walked to two gas stations looking for duct tape (of course they ddin't) and then called and texted Susannah and Chris(tina) looking for duct tape and asked people for duct tape and put a sign in my car window begging for duct tape. Sweet Susannah, who is an angel, was prepared to make a 75 minute trip to bring me some, and had actually just begun it when I saw a man in a work van a few yards away. He had duct tape! He even came over and wrapped my radiator hose for me! However, he also had me leave my radiator cap extremely loose. I am all for loosening it slightly to allow pressure to escape, but this was a barely-clinging-to-the-threads loose. I couldn't really say "thanks for rescuing me, but I'm going to ignore your advice," so I went with it. I don't really know whether that ended up being a problem or not, but I got back on the road and drove a little way with a little hood steam but normal temperature reading, and drove maybe ten miles (I have no idea) when my engine temp suddenly shot up. So much for not calling AAA. I called, by this point it was getting close to six, and was told that I'd have a tow within about 45 minutes. The problem was that I didn't know where I was, and so neither did the wonderful, kind, helpful people at AAA. Eventually Jill reminded me that I had crossed in to PG County, and I relayed this information, and then later a tow truck driver stopped (tragically, he was bound for another breakdown) and told me where I was, and I relayed that information, and finally I was found around 8:00. The tow truck driver was from El Salvador, and he was very nice. He didn't speak a whole lot of English, and I speak very little Spanish, and yet somehow, "tu entiendes mas espanol tu me caiste muy bien amor de primera." I made the mistake of responding to a "gracias" (for the tip) text with "denada," which clearly means that I am fluent in Spanish and that Wilfredo and I are meant for each other. So that's an interesting development.

In any case, all of my time in the car gave me a chance to do a little reading and to write the bulk of a letter that I have owed Larry for, oh, well, I don't want to talk about how long. Many months, at the very least. Possibly more than a year. I really am not sure, but he's a little miffed. Not angry, I think, but he has reminded me several times. (The most recent reminder was while I was sitting in the car by the highway reading, as it happens.)


Visiting Jill and Geoff has been nice. Jill tried to terrify me before I arrived, telling me how challenging their kids are (they've adopted two--one who was a drug baby and another who was a preemie and a shaken baby) and how I should just ignore their dogs if they try to eat me. Thus far the kids are kids (I had met them before, anyway) and the dogs are really sweet and adorable. The female and alpha, Kimba, does have some problems (as in, attacking problems) with other dogs at times, but with those in the house she is extremely sweet and affectionate. Jake is the oldest and is a little insecure, but still sweet, and Rex is the newest addition--a miniature daschound who tries desperately to make out, and then settles down and groans whenever he is moved. (The other two are Boston Terrier mixes, and are surprisingly large, given that knowledge. Not huge though...25 or 30 pounds, maybe?)
Today we all went to a pumpkin festival out in the booneys, and then went to Jill's parents' house for Geoff's birthday dinner. It was delicious. Jill and Geoff, by the way, are of the family that my family visits in Arkansas periodically, and thus are Larry's cousins and friends of my parents as well as myself.
Tomorrow we'll be heading to my first-ever Ren Faire, and also I'll be trying to replace my radiator hose myself. I don't really know what it takes to remove and replace the clamps that hold such a hose in place, but whatever it is, I'm hoping that I can duplicate it because a) I don't want to pay someone else to do something so simple, b) I want to go home tomorrow because I don't like changing my plans, and c) I want to go home tomorrow because I haven't told my parents that there's anything wrong with my car, and I don't want to explain over the phone.


Lastly, I haven't listened to the music in question yet, but I really like this entry. You might like it too.

Today has been lovely.

I woke up to the rain.


I knew when I heard it that the rain was falling into my missing car window, but this area was cleaned out and not cushioned, so I didn't really care. Eventually I got up and put a piece of canvas, anchored with a split log, over the hole, but mostly this morning I lay in bed and dozed to the rainfall, guiltless, knowing that I couldn't drive anywhere without soaking the entire interior of my car. It was lovely.

Eventually the rain stopped and my uncle called with a new (to me) window from the junkyard in hand and a directive to make my way immediately to the auto glass guys. Timing was important, as this installation was to take place outside. The rain made it a no-go for a while. Why did my uncle pick up this glass for me? Partly because I didn't have the tools to remove it myself, and partly because he is an angel. So is the guy at the auto glass place, whom I had met before and whom I really like. A lot. I guess he's in his fifties or so (I am awful at guessing ages, truly), and has the kindest face and manner I think I have seen. Not that I haven't met other friendly people, but at S S Auto I actually feel at ease, and that's saying something. Anyway I think he shouldn't really have installed my window because he's a dealer, not an installer, but again: angel. The whole thing took less than an hour, and since the new window has an antenna in it, my radio reception has improved dramatically.

I went home for an hour and sorted Phase 10 cards for my tutoring session at four, then made my way over. Today we played Go Fish with the 1-9 phase 10 cards. My student doesn't have good number recognition at this point, but she can count, so I made a chart on the dry erase board I had brought. I wrote the numbers 1-9, and then underneath drew a corresponding number of dots. When she came upon a number she didn't know, she could find it on the board and count the dots to figure out what it was, or if she knew she wanted a "7" and didn't know what a seven looked like, she could count dots until she came up with seven, and find the corresponding number. Five year olds are pretty distractible, but otherwise it worked well. We also began to make our way through the alphabet, sorting through the Scrabble Slam cards I bought last night and finding A, then B, then C, etc, and then practicing writing them on the dry erase board. Again, she (like any kid her age) has a very short attention span, but otherwise it went well. We worked a little bit on phonics too, using the board and the Scrabble cards, and she sounded out and spelled "sun" (she had been drawing one and it's a simple word, so I went with it), and then she sounded out the word "swamp," which I had written. I think she (mostly) had fun, because at the end she gave me a strand of green Mardi Gras beads, "so we can be best friends."

<3

From thence I finally went to the bank to deposit checks, and on my way home David texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch tomorrow. (Earlier in the week I had asked if he wanted to meet up next week to trade his book--which I've had for months--for the mixed cd his brother John made for me but didn't quite get delivered this weekend. I  said next week because I wasn't sure how this week would go with trying to get my window fixed before leaving for MD.) Clearly that wouldn't be possible, so we had dinner tonight instead at Ellwood Thompson's hot bar. Have I mentioned how much I love this store? I really, really do. I should shop there more. From their hot bar tonight I gathered, among other things, real mashed potatoes, cider braised chicken, collard greens cooked with ham, ratatouille, and cassoulet. Holy crap, is cassoulet delicious. Usually I only get it at Christmas when one of my aunts makes it--or when I eat at the E.T. hot bar. And all of their food is made from real ingredients, by hand, in their store. Much, if not all, of it is organic, and they have a selection of vegan food as well, and a salad bar (which I missed out on tonight because I ran out of plate space before I remembered that it was there), and even some "plant food untouched by fire" for people who go in for that sort of thing.

Cassoulet!

The dinner was nice. The cd is awesome so far.

Somehow I was still hungry after eating this giant plate of food (I feel like this has been happening a lot lately, despite the fact that I haven't been eating much during the day so really my stomach should be smaller), so after we left I attraversato...d* the parking lot to visit the Ellwood Cafe in hopes of finding some iced cream.** Luckily I was stymied, and instead found a large cup of ambrosia hot chocolate and a warmed pumpkin muffin to go. Thursdays are open mic nights, and when I walked in two men were singing a really great version of "Only Living Boy in New York." It was pretty magical. So were the hot chocolate and pumpkin muffin.

I worked a little after this, the heat gun died, I drove home magically not cold in the cold night air and my cosy blue two-sizes-too-big cashmere sweater with the windows open, listening to my new mixed cd. It was lovely.



Tomorrow: Brunch/lunch with Anna (and people I don't know)! Driving to Maryland! Dinner with Jill (and people I don't know)! I am looking forward to these things. Should be lovely.



























*For some reason I was thinking here of the Eat, Pray, Love moment during which E. Gilbert discusses her favorite Italian word, which is similar to that which I have typed and which means "let's cross over." Don't judge me.

*Which was ridiculous, because it was about 53 degrees and misty outside.

This day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule.

This morning I went to scrape paint and discovered the work of genius (or, possibly, boredom) that is the heat gun. This, for those of you who remain unenlightened, is essentially a jacked-up hairdryer which reaches temperatures high enough to melt (boil?) dried paint, thus enabling a paint-scraper like myself to pull it off in 4x10 inch sheets, rather than scraping it off (along with little bits of wood) in 1x2 mm chips.

Also, the people who live in this apartment like tot throw away useful things, like clean clothes (seriously, were in a trash can in the basement under a broken detergent bottle), laundry baskets, and drinking glasses.

Also, just before getting in my car to leave I put a useful piece of trash--a sturdy chair bottom, the back having been broken off; I have been wanting a low stool--in the back of my car, closed the tailgate, and heard a small sound like some sand falling onto the ground. Turns out it was sand, sort of, in that auto glass is probably made from sand just like other glass. Somehow the impact of the closing tailgate caused the left side panel window at the back of my car to shatter. I guess there must have been a hairline crack that I didn't see, or something. I'm just glad it wasn't one of the windows that rolls up and down, or, God forbid, my rear windshield. As Junior put it (merely giving voice to thoughts I had been thus far keeping to myself), my car is becoming more and more ghetto all the time.

After knocking the rest of the window out and taping a trash bag into place (stay classy), I ran over to DSW in a vain attempt to blow the $50 I made yesterday on a pair of boots I've been wanting for a while. Possibly months. Unfortunately, I don't wear a 6.5 or a 7, and that's all that was left. I had a sneaking suspicion that this was going to be the case. It's alright. And they do sell them online, though I won't get DSW reward points for buying boots from Zappo's, and that's really a shame.

There had been plans for me to meet Kaiser (guy I met in May who miraculously was given my phone number) at the park at 3, but at this point it was... nearly 3*. I had said I might be late due to the window incident, but it wasn't too bad. After a hurried lunch I ended up leaving the house at 3:05.

Wandering around Maymont was fine, but judging by my slight annoyance upon leaving and my really and truly horrible mood upon rising from a not-sleeping-just-lying-in-the-dark two hour "nap," I have to say, hanging out with people who are attracted to me and to whom I am not attracted, especially people in said category that I don't know well, really, really stresses me out. I really, really do not like it. If we hang out again, I am going to have to lay down some ground rules. For instance: please do not touch my arm. Please do not touch me at all. Please do not try to hold my hand. You're nice and stuff, but pretty much as a rule I don't want to be around people I don't know that act this way toward me, and you're only making things worse for yourself. Actually, yeah, maybe just one ground rule. He is a nice guy. I just a) don't really want to be dating anyone right now**, and b) don't want to hang around relative strangers who obviously want to date me.

The reason for the two hour not-exactly-nap was largely that when I came home from the park, my hip hurt. A lot. Increasingly. There have been times that my hip has hurt a little after a lot of walking, but I don't think it's ever been like this. I discovered while walking Miley tonight that if I step very carefully onto my right leg, it usually doesn't hurt very much. I'm hoping it will have improved at least a little by tomorrow.

While I was walking though, eventually, once I mostly had a grasp on the hip thing, I started to sing. It was a song of praise actually (though I've begun to realize that really, anytime I just start singing out of nowhere it's a song of praise, even if I'm singing some completely heathen Celtic song about magic)--a simple one I like a lot and never really hear anywhere, about love being higher and deeper and longer and wider than our perception***. Then I started thinking about yesterday, about  having had lunch with David, and how wonderful it was. Not that the food was particularly great or that from beginning to end it was the best time of my life, or even that it was easy, but it was so good. It was so honest and real and survivable. I survived it, and I learned things--I learned a lot--and I think maybe we know each other better now than we did before. I thought of sitting on the stoop in the sun with the band playing down the street, and I just said "thank you," and then I couldn't stop saying it. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. For this draught of hope. Thank you. For my breath misting in the night air, for this sweet little dog, for my sweet family, for the clear sky, for the lights shining through the trees, thank you. For breath. For hope. For giving me my friend back.






























Post title taken from my favorite Caedmon's Call song, which you can find if you search "Table for Two" on grooveshark.com or ilike.com or Pandora. However, none of these sites will allow me, at the moment, to link the song. The part I've quoted goes like this:

This day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule: from the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt. You knew how you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden, and you knew this day long before you made me out of dirt.

*I don't usually make unnecessary side trips when I'm already running late--I just want to say that. However, under the circumstances (I finally made some money yesterday, I had already said I'd be late, K and I have no relationship whatsoever really and the time and location were picked arbitrarily and by me in the first place, I had been putting off the boot thing forever and knew they'd be gone soon if not already, my effing window just broke out of nowhere), I felt that it was at least somewhat justified.

**Part of this is that I just straight-up don't. I'm not saying it won't change, but right now that's how I feel. Part of it is that I just started talking to David again, and I'd be lying if I said I was over him, and I'd be lying if I said I was still completely in love with him. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't want to tackle him and not let him up for air for at least an hour. However, that kind of tackling can really cloud the thinking, and can cause quite a lot of related problems. We two are in agreement about that. Also, getting back together only to break up again would be, pardon my French, fucking hell. And getting back together without either of us really having given this "what's life like being romantically involved with someone other than you someday" experiment any kind of chance would sort of feel like giving up, and that goes for both of us. So I think we're going to give being friends and sitting a few feet apart at all times a fair chance, and just see. I am pointedly staying the hell away from any kind of questions about the future because they are so completely fucking utterly unhelpful. As I said to the man upstairs earlier tonight, between the singing and the can't-stop-thanking-yous, I am going to let that go and trust that all things will be made right according to His will. And that's about as religious as I ever expect to get in a public forum on the internet.

***"Your love is deeper than my view of grace, higher than this earthly place, longer than this road I travel, wider than the gap you filled."