Where have I gone?

I'm reading my old blog posts because I'm supposed to be doing other things, and I'm feeling too mopey. Specifically I should be applying for healthcare, which I apparently don't have. I am told (via text) that there's a message in my inbox (which I can't access without calling the Healthcare Marketplace) explaining why I don't.

Can't face it right now, so...unless I find time and space to face it tomorrow, it looks like I might just not have health coverage until I get a real fucking job. Note to self: don't get sick. (PS, I'm feeling like I might be getting sick.)

In other news, Ian and I finally retrieved my ring today from the jewelers, it having been resized. (Did I mention that we're engaged? This is a relatively new thing.)


In reading old blogs I am noticing that I used to write much nicer things. I used to spend much more time alone, watching the sky; I used to spend much more time alone, thinking and writing about the sky, and about the trees, and about my heart. Where is all that now? Though I have no desire to own my own pet, I am beginning to think that I ought to have a dog--because evidently that is the only damn way I get myself outside for walks every day. And it seems that not walking means not breathing, in an expansive metaphorical sense.

It doesn't help much that I've been living in the city, and people discourage me from walking alone at night. This doesn't mean that I don't ever do it, but when I do, I feel like I need to look purposeful. Looking purposeful cuts down significantly on meandering, and walking with my face up to the stars, and occasionally sinking to my knees in prayer, or joy, or grief. There has been none of that here, and I am missing it.



Perhaps the issue is in part that I'm never alone. I haven't particularly been feeling that "get the fuck away from me" feeling (which is probably a good sign, in some ways), but nevertheless I haven't really spent any time alone since I moved in with Ian and Sara. And yet, even when I took my mostly-solo August road trip this past fall, I still moved too fast to stop and reflect in any meaningful way. I filled almost every moment with driving, rushing, researching, audio books, and exhaustion. I spent weeks alone, and weeks distracted. I can't say I didn't spend any time in quiet reflection, but I did spend far too little.

It seems that the lesson here is that I do not only need to learn to take time alone for myself--I need to learn to utilize it for myself. Not for rushing from one destination to another, but for simply being, and watching, and appreciating the world and the blessings around me. I need to feed and soothe and caress the quiet, expansive thing in me that is my spirit--the quiet presence that will so easily shrink and defer to the frantic, purposeless demands of whatever stupid whim happens to be yelling at any given moment. I've been spending all my time rushing around in vain attempts to quiet those endless whims, and forgetting that attention only makes them louder. That the only peace I'll ever find is inward.

Life Lesson.

Actions really do speak louder than words. Be careful, baby. Sometimes things get broken.

I never want to commit to these,

but I seem to be an INTP. I mean, I'm a little on the line when it comes to I vs E, and when it comes to T vs F, and when it comes to P vs J, and even slightly with N vs S, but the profile for INTP seems to fit me most closely. Here, for my own personal use and for yours if you're as weirdly into psychoanalyzing other people as I am, are the excerpts from the descriptions of that personality type in Do What You Are.

ISTP and INTP: introverted thinking types:
Because they want to understand and make sense of the world, ISTPs and INTPs need work which allows them to make analyses--whether they are considering an abstract idea or a concrete project--in the most logical way possible.

INTP (Introverted Intuitive Thinking Perceiving), approximately 3-5% of the American population:
INTPs are conceptual problem solvers. They are intensely intellectual and logical, with flashes of creative brilliance.
Outwardly quiet, reserved, and detached, INTPs are inwardly absorbed in analyzing problems. They are critical, precise, and skeptical. They try to find and use principles to understand their many ideas. They like conversation to be logical and purposeful and may argue to the point of hairsplitting just for fun. INTPs are convinced only by logical reasoning.
INTPs are usually ingenious and original thinkers. They prize intelligence in themselves, have a strong drive for personal competence, and are interested in challenging other people to become more competent as well. INTPs are primarily interested in seeing possibilities beyond what is currently known, accepted, or obvious. They like to develop models for improving the way things are or solving difficult problems. They think in extremely complex ways and are better able to organize concepts and ideas than they are able to organize people. Occasionally, their ideas are so complex they have difficulty communicating and making others understand them.
Highly independent, INTPs enjoy speculative and imaginative activities. They are flexible and open-minded and are more interested in finding creative yet sound solutions to problems than they are in seeing those solutions made into reality.


Possible Blind Spots:
Because INTPs rely so heavily on their logical analysis, they can overlook what matters to others. If something is not logical, INTPs run the risk of dismissing it, even if it is important to them. Admitting to themselves what they really care about* will help them stay in touch with their true feelings.
INTPs are excellent at detecting the flaws in an idea but are more reticent about expressing their appreciation. (I am thinking/hoping that I don't actually come across as totally unable to express appreciation, but if not then it is a beautiful product of years of determined practice.) They can get bogged down on a minor flaw in one part of a plan and keep the entire project from moving toward completion because they refuse to let one illogical point remain within the whole. (Chloe goes crazy when we are having conversations and I just cannot let go of one tiny little point that seems completely insignificant to her.) When they turn their highly honed critical thinking skills on the people around them, their naked honesty may translate into unintended hurtfulness. They need to be told, and need to learn to ask, what matters emotionally to others. (Seriously, I have worked so hard at this.)
Because INTPs are fascinated with solving problems, they tend to be impatient with routine details and may lose interest in a project and never complete it if it requires too much follow-through or detail.** Turning their energy outward will enable them to gain sufficient practical knowledge to make their ideas workable and acceptable to other people.
INTPs sometimes feel inadequate when they try to live up to their own high standards of perfection. Learning to share those feelings with someone else*** can help them get a more realistic and objective view of themselves.

Using your strengths is easy. The secret to success for an INTP is learning to:
Be better organized, be patient with less intelligent people, and work at improving your social skills.
[end quotes.]


Okay, so INTP was me almost to a t. Not quite as completely me, but close in a lot of ways, is INFP--introverted intuitive feeling perceiving (3-4% of the American population).

INFPs value inner harmony above all else. Sensitive, idealistic, and loyal, they have a strong sense of honor concerning their personal values and are often motivated by deep personal belief or by devotion to a cause they feel is worthy. (That devotion part, not so much. I wish I could say that were true, but no.)
INFPs are interested in possibilities beyond what is already known and focus most of their energy on their dreams and visions. Open-minded, curious, and insightful, they often have excellent long-range vision. In day-to-day matters they are usually flexible, tolerant, and adaptable, but they are very firm about their inner loyalties and set very high--in fact, nearly impossible--standards for themselves...
Although they demonstrate cool reserve on the outside, INFPs care deeply inside. They are compassionate, sympathetic, understanding, and very sensitive to the feelings of others. They avoid conflict and are not interested in impressing or dominating others unless their values are at stake. Often INFPs prefer to communicate their feelings in writing, rather than orally. When they are persuading others of the importance of their ideals, INFPs can be most convincing.
INFPs seldom express the intensity of their feelings and often appear reticent and calm. However, once they know you, they are enthusiastic and warm. INFPs are friendly, but tend to avoid superficial socializing. They treasure people who take the time to understand their goals and values.

Potential Blind Spots:

Since logic is not a priority for INFPs (oddly, even though I really value logic, there are times when I choose to completely disregard it), they sometimes make errors of fact and can be unaware that they are being illogical (very rarely true of me). When their dreams become out of touch with reality, others may see them as flighty and mystical. INFPs do well to ask the advice of more practical people to find out if their ideas are workable and useful in the real world***
Because they are so committed to their own ideals, INFPs have a tendency to overlook other points of view (luckily, I am almost always aware of when I am doing this, and can step out of it. Or not step out of it.) and can sometimes be rigid. They are not particularly interested in physical surroundings (so untrue of me) and often are so busy that they fail to notice what is happening around them. (So true. Busy/distracted, whatever.)
INFPs may reflect on an idea much longer than is really necessary to begin a project. Their perfectionistic tendencies can lead them to refine and polish their ideas for so long that they never share them. This is dangerous, since it is important for INFPs to find ways of expressing their ideas. To keep from getting discouraged, they need to work toward becoming more action-oriented....
When INFPs are disappointed, they tend to become negative about everything around them. Trying to develop more objectivity toward their projects will help keep INFPs less vulnerable to both criticism and disappointment...
When INFPs don't express their negative opinions about ideas or plans, others can be mislead into thinking they agree with them. INFPs need to develop more assertiveness, and can benefit from learning how to offer honest criticism of others when needed.

From "As an INFP, career satisfaction means doing work that:"

Is in harmony with my own personal values and beliefs...
Is dont with other creative and caring individuals in a cooperative environment free from tension and interpersonal strive...
Allows me to help others grow and develop and realize their full potential...
Involves understanding people and discovering what makes them tick; allows me to develop deep one-to-one relationships with others
[end quotes.]



































*Is, practically speaking, nearly impossible. I think a lot of the troubles I have when it comes to letting myself feel things is that I really dislike/am kind of terrified of how out of control emotions are. I mean, seriously, how do people deal with that? How do you let yourself feel things when you don't know what they might end up being or what will happen or where it will take you? And you can't even predict it, because emotions don't make sense. Whose stupid idea was THAT?

**Story of my life. This is the main reason I don't rock climb.

***Thanks, Sara!

Northstar (and life) notes.

First, before I forget, let me mention (not for the first or the last time, I'm sure) how much I love, love, love winter light. Also, to be technically correct, late fall light. Maybe it's the warmth of it and the way it falls in such contrast to the coolness of the air--beautiful for the same reason that the flame-colored leaves are beautiful in the chill winds of the season. I feel such joy when I see it slanting through the light curtain on the front door, falling into the mirror or onto a pair of cold-weather boots shed in the hallway.


Now, notes:

She mentioned the passage which says, among other things, to "love your neighbor as yourself," and pointed out that this is written as a simile--comparing a thing it is assumed that we know to another thing which it is assumed that we do not know: here, how to love our neighbor (assumed that we don't know) equated with how we supposedly love ourselves. The thing is that we don't really understand what loving ourselves means, or how we should go about doing that. If I really understood this, I probably wouldn't eat a half of a pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting, for example, or lie in bed until 11 am for no reason whatsoever. And it occurred to me (through some prompting) that really loving yourself well does not equate to giving yourself whatever you want whenever you want it (exhibit A: Ben & Jerry's), or smoothing over every discomfort that arises without addressing the real issue at hand at any given time. Therefore it follows, at least according to the verse above and also to the Golden Rule, that loving others well does not mean giving them whatever they want, making nice, and smoothing over all things unpleasant. Loving well isn't necessarily comfortable--it is just good and healthy. And it is rewarding.


At one point someone asked, in response to something Theresa had said about controlling our thoughts, whether controlling one's thoughts is actually possible. I had a difficult time following her response, possibly because the immediate answer in my mind was a resounding "yes." I had been practicing this for years when a metaphor was dropped into my lap as I read (forgive me) Eat, Pray, Love a couple of years ago. Gilbert had the same disbelieving question: how can a person control their own thoughts? Surely, she thought, such a thing is impossible. A friend helped her realize that your mind is like a port; your mind is your own safe harbor. Can you control what ships approach and ask to enter? Maybe not at first. But what you can control is what ships you welcome, embrace, unload and savor and revisit, and what ships you turn away immediately. If you habitually rebel every time your boss corrects you, then yes, the next time your boss corrects you you are probably going to rebel. But your choice when this happens is whether to embrace that feeling, to get into an imaginary (or audible) argument and storm out and meet up with your best friend for a beer-soaked bitch session, or whether to remind yourself that you aren't perfect, that everyone needs correction sometimes. Or even if your boss is legitimately out of line, to remind yourself that you can handle it, that it isn't worth ruining your day, that you shouldn't give him/her such control over your emotions. Because, after all, the only person responsible for your emotions is you. And you are the master of your own mind.


The next miniature revelation I had related to limits and boundaries. There was a psalm up on the overhead projector which I didn't write down but which made reference to boundaries falling in pleasing places. (I'm sorry, that's as specific as my memory gets.) I then had a realization that has been quite long in coming: often my feelings of being trapped come from the fact that I have been throwing myself like a moth battering a window up against the completely reasonable and incontrovertible walls of existence: time or money or body or law, which set impassable boundaries around us all. It is simple fact that limits do and will exist for each of us, and hurling ourselves against these kinds of limits is never going to be healthy or comfortable or pleasant. If I eat nothing but cheeseburgers or chips, my health will suffer. There isn't really anything uncertain about that. Or if I spend all of my money recklessly, I will suffer. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to play twelve hours of video games or watch as much tv or waste as much time online and still take care of my bodily or emotional needs like sleep and exercise and community. There isn't anything bad about any of the above limits (particularly considering that when you stop and pay attention, you just may find that there is very little that is actually enjoyable or rewarding in any meaningful way about consuming junk food or spending money or watching tv), but they're really going to seem terrible--and I am really going to feel put-upon and sorry for myself--if I spend all of my energy throwing myself against them. That is, of course, something that I have thus far spent a lot of my life doing.
Now I'm hoping to teach myself to stop leaping with disdain over the clear, even, peaceful path that winds along within spitting distance of those walls, because I am tired of picking my bruised and bitter and angry self up off the ground in preparation for my next utterly imbecilic rally and attack. Maybe I could learn to stroll and maybe I could remember that it is human nature (or, at least, it is my nature) to hate and to rebel against any imposed boundaries. Boundaries that I choose, on the other hand, make me feel (and make me be) strong and secure.

The Price Of Doing Business

Well the auto glass is finally all out of my car, and all of the old urethane glue has been removed, thanks to work by myself and tips by my uncle Bud. I did sustain a small cut on my wrist and a lot of urethane under my nails, but otherwise everything is cool. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get a new window in there, all fresh and clean for my trip through the mixing bowl and up into MD.  I took a few pictures, but--you may be shocked to hear this--I don't feel like posting them at the moment.

I think I mentioned that I made a formspring. Thank you, whoever asked questions! It would be cool though to know who you are.


Lastly, as a continuation of this crazy link-posting streak I've been on lately, here's one I clicked to from facebook, and was really surprised by: Halogen TV, a channel concerned with social change for the better. Their website is full of articles on fair trade and global causes, and they have buckets of petitions to sign. I just added my name to one (and edited/added to the form letter a bit) to Hershey chocolate about their really uncool practice of buying from cocoa manufacturers that utilize child labor in their production. The one I originally clicked to was a little odd--they didn't say what the petition was for, so I must admit that I am skeptical. However, for each signature they were donating $5 toward the drilling of a clean well in Africa--not sure whether they specified a country. Anyway, visit. See what you think.

(The "do you drink coffee" link from the previous post, in case you didn't click it and find out, was another about donating toward clean water, medicine, etc for people in African countries.)








Last thing: today this blog passed 2,000 all-time views! A drop in the bucket for some, but sort of exciting for me.

Chile

After 68 days, the second of the 33 Chilean miners has just been rescued from their tiny hole of a shelter a half-mile underground. Such joy! There is a live feed on the front page of CNN.com. It may take days to get everyone up. Go see!


Also, far less importantly, I made a formspring. There is a widget where there used to be a thing about saving the Byrd.

Flights of fancy

I have been reading, as I mentioned earlier, Charles deLint, and he and those like him always affect my brain. Everything does, of course, but deLint and his ilk encourage that part of me that wants to believe in simply everything. I string it all together like, like string theory actually, a theory of everything, and make it all somehow possible in my mind. The pervasiveness of faerie tales means something, perhaps, as does the pervasiveness of religion, and of so many common (commonly shared) human things. All our connections and disparities.

I think of the magic I saw and felt when I was younger, from serial dreams to inexplicable deja-vu, from a dream that left a tangible object in my hand upon waking to a hypnotism game that went around the fourth-grade schoolyard--one that worked so well I felt a painful grip around wrists that no one was touching.

It's all about lenses. It is, has to be, must be. The lens of the physical, clearly visible, immediately tangible world: if I do not eat or do not drink, I will wither and die; if I slip a hand against a blade or stub a toe on a stone, I will bleed or bruise, then heal. These things are true and visible and calculable. But so many other truths seem undeniable, even if they can be faked or mimicked in some ways, at some times: the truth of connection; the truth of mystery. The truth that beneath and above all, we and everything are all the same, made of the same things, together making up the same universe, all connected.

And the interface! The center of the science vs. mumbo-jumbo Venn diagram: that factual mystery of our ability to affect one another over distance. Explanations and counter-arguments have been offered, and the phenomenon has been repeatedly documented, scientifically and anecdotally. The energy of which I am formed can affect that which forms you. Can you believe it?

And that mysteries lie alongside and within and between, above and below everything: I love this. I love that no matter how long scientists delve and dissect and discover, they will never reach the end of knowledge. Who could ever explain the dream I had at nine years old which came true, moment for moment and word for word for three days straight, a year later? Who could ever explain the dream from which I awoke holding a tiger's eye stone that my parents didn't recognize and that I had never seen before I dreamed of it? The voice I heard calling my name one afternoon when no one was around?

But these lenses: I still stare awestruck at the extravagant, expansive beauty of the world, and I marvel at raindrops and rivers and spider's webs, but although I try (when I remember) to keep my eyes open, I stopped living magic, that storybook kind of magic, a long time ago. Today I wonder if I lost it when I began to focus more on fitting in. Is that silly? I walked around for fourteen years, give or take, feeling like an outsider, feeling like the person outside the window watching the party go by. When I got sick enough of the whole scene I started trying to learn how to build bridges to other people's hearts and minds, which was and is of course a gradual process. And gradually, I seem to have lost the magic in my dreams.

I had thought I was doing so much better, and maybe I am a little better, but it turns out that I'm still digging shards of David out of my heart. It's like trying to eat rainbow trout, only one hand is throwing away the bones and the other is sneaking them out of the trash can and sticking them in my pocket. I dreamed about him last night. A really sweet, we're-still-together type dream. I can't remember it now though.

I really hate living at home, and yet I'm still here. F you, inertia. I'm 24. I'm supposed to be an adult. Why am I living and acting like a spoiled little kid? I fought with Chloe on the phone, I fought with my dad after I got home. I spent a chunk of the evening curled up in a ball, crying in the dark. I almost wish they'd just kick me out and force my hand.




In brighter news, Kelly and Sara and I are going to the beach tomorrow. It's just occurred to me that my dad might think we're going for the weekend, which is sort of stupid if you ask me. I never said we were going for the weekend, and he never asked me. But thinking back on our fight, aka me getting yelled at for not doing yard work, all his bullshit about me being gone for the weekend makes a lot more sense if he thinks I'm going to be at the beach. Actually I was planning on being here, unless I help Susannah and Mike move into their apartment.

Man, I did a great job getting out of the negativity loop there, didn't I? Let me try again.


Tomorrow we are going to the beach. For the day. To tan and read books and shit. In hopes of not being pasty for the wedding. We will drink Gatorade and eat sandwiches and try not to sunburn, and dammit, we will have fun.

The Last Day of Winter.

I've been reading about a woman who, in the wake of failed-relationship heartbreak, learned bellydancing and (says the cover) found true love.  It is, of course, making me want to learn bellydancing. It's even set in my hometown, and written by a friend of a friend. Kelly and I are on our way to Jimmy and Missy's house for the annual Highland County Maple Festival, and reading on a drive sometimes suddenly and unpredictably makes me carsick. Before deciding to try typing I leaned my head back on my seat and watched the greening Allegheny countryside recede from my visor mirror.

Today has been a pretty good day, all told, with allowances for my own recent heartbreaks--a breakup and a fight, both of which I fear might be the end of each respective "us." I've been working to accept the fact that these things are not really in my hands, and that obsessing about each will only keep me awake at night and give me headaches, nausea, and ulcers. On the other hand, they might also make me lose weight. But I'm telling myself that it's probably not worth the ulcers.

I didn't wake up particularly happy this morning--I've woken up angry, sad or upset most days since David and I broke up, and especially since I learned I was in the shit with a friend--but the new breakfast cereal in the cabinet, for which I had very low hopes, turned out to be rather good. I got an email from a college friend during breakfast saying that she's going to try to meet me in Louisiana for the Festival International. I enjoyed talking to my dad on our drive to our respective workplaces. There was easy and nearly stress-free conversation between myself and my boss as we got ready to open the store. A driver whilstled at me as I put out the sign. A Spanish couple buying ingredients for a seafood paella made me smile. And one moment stands out above the others thus far today: as I waited for my weekly paycheck, Brian suddenly said,
"Hey, I was looking at those dates you're going to be gone in April..."
Uh-oh. Oh, my tortured stomach.
"And you're only going to be here Tuesday and Wednesday that week. You're going to be out almost a whole week."
Shit, here it comes. I am twisting in on myself. Brian, unconcerned, is taking his time and multitasking.
"So I mean, you might as well just take that whole week off if you want."
I'm sorry, excuse me? Did I hear that correctly?
I fairly danced out to my car. I drove up Patterson with my knees, arms outstretched,  reveling in the warm, free air. I wanted to sing. This "five days off in April" business had been the bane of my existence for weeks before my actual relationships started falling apart. To have that stress lifted, particularly in such a comical way, felt nothing short of miraculous.

Speaking of carsickness, I just had to cover my eyes with both hands to stave off overpowering nausea in the face of the 170 degree switchbacks on a 45 degree decline on one of my favorite hills in these mountains: route 250 midway between Churchville and Monterey. Kelly laughed at me, and wanted to take a picture. I'd have laughed too if the onset of decrepit old age weren't so sudden, soon, and freaking obnoxious. I had to lift my knees in an alternating pattern to keep my laptop from sliding off my seasick lap.

When I can keep my eyes open, the setting sun is blindingly beautiful wherever it cuts through the still-bare trees.

Quotes thieved from nateshorb, and other things.

Denison Witmer sings, "Today I feel a part of something bigger than myself, a raindrop in the sea, a book between books on the shelf."

Jesus Christ says, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

Aaron Weiss writes, "Six of my closest friends dig up the ground, all of my accomplishments gently lowered down...Grape on the vine, why not be crushed to make wine?"

James 4:14 says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Nateshorb blogs,
"No snowflake is perfect. Each one seems to have a blemish of some sort. All a bit flawed.

"Snowflakes don't live a very long life.

"And they don't do much good on their own.

"Yes, this is where my mind started wandering. Because what snowflake has ever canceled school all by itself? What good is just one snowflake? Nice to look at in a microscopic photograph, sure, but how many snowflakes does it take to coat the trees in a serene landscape? What snowflake has ever caused a blizzard on its own? As unique and special as a snowflake is, if it wants to amount to anything, it must give itself up to the greater cause. We can give everyone warm fuzzies by telling kids over and over how unique and special they are, but the fact of the matter is, if we want to amount to anything, we must do the same."



Today wasn't the best for me, but as sometimes happens, my family made it better. Work ended on a not-so-great note, and I've been feeling pretty fragile. David's been feeling like shit and that's hard for me as well. I am tired in every sense of the word that comes to mind at the moment. Tired, tired. Today I wrote that I felt like my brain was caving in, like the air was thinning out. That I knew I should fight it but I just wanted to let my knees buckle. But I know I have to stay afloat, and I have to keep breathing.
By the time I walked in the door of my house, I just wanted to cry. I still do, a little. But here is why I am thankful for living with my parents: my family saves me. Chloe saves me. My mother and father, they save me. Sometimes Jack stops by and he saves me, too. It's love, I guess. It's definitely laughter and it's every smile, and every loving acceptance. And laughter. And love. They make the world warmer.

Instead of writing about my life, I'm filling out a survey. Evidently I'm feeling philosophical tonight.

(1) Do you think it's fair that people who urinate outdoors have to register as sex offenders? Is that even true? Shoot, I pee outside all the time in the summer! But not in front of kids, or anything. I guess if someone whips it out in front of a kid, that would make sense. This is such a weird first question.

(2) When you have a cold what steps do you take to feel better? I don't really know what to do except complain and hope it goes away as quickly as possible. I try to drink water, sleep, do anything to unclog my sinuses.

(3) Have you ever witnessed a couple fighting in public? Yes, yelling, two or three times.

(4) What do you think about people who say they have no regrets in life? It seems to me that everyone must have at least a few regrets, but if anyone doesn't, then more power to them. I think anyone who truly has none, though, has none because they have decided to accept their past and move forward--not because they have ever made only excellent choices.

(5) What are you looking forward to the most in the upcoming months? Oh my gosh, Christmas. And Sara being home for a while.

(6) Describe what it was like growing up in your house? There is a lot of love in my immediate family, but a lot of pain, confusion, and frustration, too. But love, and humor, and forgiveness as much as possible.

(7) Have you ever ended a friendship because it wasn't good for your own well being? Generally speaking, I try not to start friendships that aren't good for my wellbeing. I haven't cut any off, but I've let a few drift--not that the relationships were intrinsically bad, but worrying about them was.

(8) Have any family recipes been handed down to you? Well, to my mom. I haven't gotten copies of them all for myself yet, though I should and I want to.

(9) If it made your mother happy would you wear her old wedding dress and get married in it? Her dress was lost in a move, or something. If we had it though, and she really wanted me to, and if it fit me, I would consider wearing it.

(10) If you're having a horrible day can people tell, or do you tend to try to hide it? I can hide it if I can forget about it.

(11) Hate is a strong word, do you honestly hate someone? No. This reminds me of that line in Ender's Game: "In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him." True, deep understanding of another person births a love for that person. It follows then that hatred stems from a lack of understanding. I don't tend toward hate, but when I dislike, I try to remind myself that I don't understand.

(12) Do you believe in psychics? I've never met or seen/heard any that I trusted, but I guess I believe in the possibility. I tend to believe things (in a vague sense) rather than disbelieve them, I guess. Also I've dreamed the future before (unfortunately, not in a useful way), so it's hard for me to completely write off weird mental "powers."

(13) Have you ever had a session with a psychic medium or clairvoyant? Nope.

(14) If they imposed a water ban in your town but it was 95 degrees out, would you really conserve water? Yes. Anyway 95 is annoying, but not that bad. Talk to me when it's 110 and I can't use water. Still though, I could just go to the pool. Or...turn on the AC...

(15) Have you ever let anyone live with you because they were having a hard time? I haven't, but I would.

(16) Would you vote on a law and pay extra taxes if they were trying to pass a law that would make all domestic animal owners spay and neuter their animals? No, because A) it would never happen, and B) we'd pretty much kill off a bunch of species, at least within the US. I mean, cats and dogs would be ok (as long as nobody wanted purebred anything ever again), but what about ferrets?

(17) Is there anyone who can tell how you're feeling just by looking at you? Sometimes it's obvious that anyone can. Even when it's not, though, Sara could probably tell how I was feeling by looking at my arm or something. It's crazy. Kelly sometimes, too. (More what I'm thinking, though--today we were driving somewhere and I saw some house decorations and gasped. She said, "Marie, those are Halloween decorations, not Christmas. They're orange." She read my mind, for real. I just saw twinkle lights and got all excited, before I registered the color.)

(18) Are you counting down the days to anything? I do sometimes, but not at the moment.

(19) Do you really think the world will end? Of course--everything ends, eventually. I hear that at the end of its lifespan the sun will swell and engulf the innermost planets. Hopefully we'll have branched out a little by then.

(20) Do you have a passport? Yes.

(21) If you're husband/wife had to go over seas for two years would you honestly wait that long for them? If my husband went overseas, I assume I'd be going with him.

(22) Does it get you angry when you see people who get public assistance - (food stamps - free housing etc) Buying expensive seafood and driving around in very expensive cars? I don't see that, but it definitely would. There are people who need monetary help, but I am pretty offended by people that don't need it and get it anyway. We don't have the resources for that crap.

(23) Is there anyone you would risk your own life for? Absolutely.

(24) Is there any part of your town that you refuse to go to because it's such a high crime neighborhood? There are some neighborhoods I wouldn't really want to visit even in the daytime without business, because I've been told by residents (friends of mine) that sometimes just being a stranger will put you in danger, but it's not like I wouldn't go there at all.

(25) If you slept with your doors unlocked at night would you really feel safe? In the area where I currently live, sure. But there are a lot of areas (probably most) where I would not.

26) Do you consider it sexual harassment if a co worker told you a dirty joke? That would really depend on the existing relationship and on the attitude of the coworker. I've been told a lot of dirty jokes that did not constitute sexual harrassment, but I've been told a few that absolutely, most definitely did.

(27) Do you know anyone who was accused of a sexual crime and they were later found innocent? No.

(28) Do you think most parents overreact about pedophiles and sexual offenders? I don't really know how parents act about pedophiles and sex offenders, but personally I feel like pedophiles are pretty close to the lowest of the low, and I would not want any to be anywhere near my kids. That being said, I really feel for people who did something stupid like sleeping with a 17 year old when they were 21 or whatever, and then get stuck with the "sex offender" gig for the rest of their lives. I don't think that is in any way fair or productive. In that sense, I don't think it's a black and white thing at all.

(29) Do you think first time drug offenders that are severly addicted to narcotics should be given the chance to rehabilitate themselves before going to prison? Yes, definitely. The key word there though is chance--there's no point in their going to rehab if they don't feel like they have a problem. And rehab is expensive, but so is prison--and prison doesn't solve any problems.

(30) Have you ever been part of a jury? No.

(31) Do you think someone who kills another person in self defense should be charged with murder? I think that should probably be a case-by-case thing, though obviously precedent should have a lot of influence. I mean, people in two nearly identical situations should not get different sentences.

(32) Do you think Barbie & Ken are a positive or negative influence on children? I don't really know. I never played with Barbie and Ken. I guess if girls are going to try to look like her, then yeah. Honestly I think pop stars and "Bratz" are a lot worse.

(33) What do you miss most about your past? I miss living closer to more of the people I love.

(34) Have you ever purposely called someone and hung up just to hear their voice? No..

(35) Are you afraid of going to the doctors because you may hear bad news? That's not a fear so much as a certainty. Usually though, the reason I don't want to go for stuff is because I'm sick of getting told stuff I already knew and then getting charged for it. What? That's a weird looking rash? No shit. Here's 50 bucks. This sort of thing has happened to me multiple times. At this point I've decided that if I can't figure out what it is, and it doesn't seem life-threatening, I'm not going, because odds are they aren't going to know what it is either.

(36) Would you donate one of your kidneys to a family member? Absolutely. Or a friend. Or whoever came to me and needed it.

(37) If your sister couldn't have a child Would you carry a baby for her? I'm not sure. I have this terror about childbirth. But for Chloe, yeah, I guess I probably would.

(38) Have you ever protested anything? Not in a "going to a protest" sort of way. I don't seem to have the emotional energy for activism. Conversations, yes. Evangelism? No.

(39) Have you ever considered a life of crime? No.

(40) With which family member do you have the strongest relationship? I'm not sure. Probably my little sister, at this point. I love her more than just about anything.

(41) Do you donate the blood? Every time I've had a chance, there's been some reason I can't do it! I think my blood is legally clean now though, since I haven't been to any malaria-infested countries recently.

(42) Have you ever gone to a benefit dinner? I think so.

(43) Have you ever helped raise money for your church? Some? But not for a long time. I haven't really had a home church for a long time.

(44) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? In terms of cause and effect, yes, absolutely. In terms of God causing all kinds of shit to happen as a part of his plan? Not really, no. I don't believe, for instance, that I dropped my power converter on the floor this morning and cursed as a part of some grand scheme. I don't believe that my friend Chris was supposed to kill himself last week to make way for anything. But I think I do believe that things are the way they were always going to be. I think that there's a God, up there, somewhere, all around and through us, and although I don't think he wanted Chris to end his own life after only 21 years on Earth, I think he knew that Chris would. And he sent him to us anyway, to live here and bless us for twenty one years and eleven days. I guess I think the gift of free will made us almost like partners in the planning of the world, you know? Obviously we have the freedom to make choices. I chose (though it didn't feel that way at the time) to fight with my mom this morning. I don't think anything outside myself made me do that. I don't think it happened for a reason in that sense. But I think it was always going to happen.

(45) Do you think that you're really never given more than you can handle? This is a question I turn over in my head a lot. For me, it all comes down to your definition of "handle." What does that even mean? That I haven't killed myself, so it must follow that I haven't been given "more than I can handle?" If, on the other hand, "handle" means "bear easily and with grace," then yes, I have been given more than I can handle at times. But as nice as I sometimes think it would be if the adage were true and read "God will never give you more than you can bear easily and with grace," I'm not sure that's what it means.

(46) What is something you'll just never understand? Darkness. In the metaphorical sense. Obviously that's a really vague answer, and of course there are aspects of pain and darkness that I DO understand, at least to a point. I guess it's the whole concept. Why does it have to exist? I get that it propagates itself, but why did it have to start? There's the eternal question of what separates humans from animals, right? Here's the answer: humanity is the race that fucks itself up. Lately I've been blaming it on language. Language is Pandora's Box. I could go on for a while about that, so I guess I'll shut up on it for now.

(47) Are you easily confused? Depends on the territory. In general though, I don't think I am.

(48) Do you follow politics? Not as much as I should. (Actually, not really at all.) I know it's important, but I can't seem to make myself care, most of the time.

(49) Who do you think the next President of the United States will be? How should I know? A lot can happen in four years.

(50) Do you tend to ask a lot of questions when you don't understand something? That depends. If it's something I don't really care about: no. If it's something I feel like I should know already: depends on how comfortable I am in the current company. If it's something I do care about, then sure. I'd be more likely, though, to just look it up at home later.

(51) Do you think the staff at nursing homes are mostly caring or mostly cold hearted? I'm sure there are a lot of people who work there because they have a passion or a love for the work that they do, and I'm sure there are a lot of people who just need a job. I can't really speak for "most."

(52) Where do you think prison inmates get most of their drugs from? Never having been in prison, I really couldn't say. Hidden in packages? Snuck in by visitors? Bought off crooked guards? I don't know.

(53) Have you ever cried because of the misfortune of someone you didn't even know? Almost certainly, though I can't remember a specific instance right now.

(54) Do you think people who abuse animals should be given the same punishment that people who abuse people get? I don't think either of those groups gets the punishment they deserve for the lasting pain that they inflict.

(55) If you could have a five minute conversation with Michael Vick what would you say to him? Hey, what's up? Your name sounds familiar. This is some weather, huh? Hey where'd you get those shoes?

(56) What time of the day are you at your best? I don't think there's any particular time. I tend to be more creative after midnight, though.

(57) How do you make the best of a bad situation? Sometimes I just have to walk away. Sometimes I can talk myself through it. Sometimes I disassociate from my emotions.

(58) Have you ever had to choose sides? Yeah, but generally I try to avoid that, and either just stay out of it or mediate instead.

(59) Should smoking be banned, even from households and cars? Honestly, even though I sometimes find myself thinking it sexy in some way, smoking is disgusting, dirty, expensive, and unhealthy for everyone in the vicinity. I wish no one smoked at all, but passing a law wouldn't accomplish that.