Crucial reminders

I used to walk around feeling like (and saying) I had no life, and maybe for a while it was true. Then gradually I began to realize that in actuality I did have a life. I was reluctant, but this realization was forced upon me when it became impossible to ignore the fact that I hardly ever had free time on weekends. And it got worse from there. I've tried to calm things down a bit--working full time will do that to a person--but I just realized that, several times recently, I have had to remind myself of something shocking:

When I have free time, I don't have to fill it with other people. I am actually allowed to go do things by myself, even if it might be possible to make plans with someone else. When did I become a person who needed that kind of reminder?




In other news, one of the girls on the bus--a kindergartener--said something a little bit heartbreaking this morning. Justin Beiber came on the radio, and so came up in their conversation. One girl said, "The funny thing is, my mom loves Justin Beiber." Then another said, "My mom hates Justin Beiber because he's white. She says white people are stupid and make bad decisions."


What do you say to that? Do you let it pass? Do you get upset? I said something about how people are people, regardless of skin tone, but that won't change the environment she lives in. Why do people perpetuate racism?

Quotes from the bus

Every weekday afternoon I pick up three girls from an area elementary school. The two in question here are in second grade.

SB: I can't see anything without my glasses.

SS: Just poke your eyes!

SB: That doesn't work!

SS: Well that's what Geronimo* does!

SB: He's a mouse!

me: ...And a cartoon.

SS: I don't believe that.



She was dead serious. She went on to explain that if you believe something enough, that makes it true. I told her, "I don't think that's how that works," but I'm not sure she believed me.



























*I have looked him up just for you. She talks about him all the time.

Two quotes, unrelated.

First, from my mother, via text, after she found out that I had gotten a haircut:

"You have bangs? Oh, I'm so sorry."


Second, from my uncle, regarding the ideas of forgiveness and judgment and humanity:

"Forgive people what they say. Invent a possibility that that's just the highest expression of love they're capable of at the moment."

EMO ME

I am so lonely today. And yesterday. And possibly the day before, and sometime last week. I am ready to stop being lonely now. Okay? Okay. Ready, go.

It's obnoxious. Being bored and being single are things that happen. Not a big deal. And singleness has been...most of my life. You know? And a solid year and a couple of months, this latest go round. And (excepting previous periods of heartache) it generally hasn't been that big a deal. But sometimes, suddenly, it's everything. It's all that matters. I'm not in love and I never will be. I'm not a mom and I never will be. And while we're at it, I'm not gainfully employed and never will be (picture that in "crypt keeper" style font), and I'm not happy AND DAMMIT, NEVER WILL BE. I mean, obviously. Obviously this isn't due to a routine hormone imbalance and messed-up sleep schedule and horrible diet over the past few days. No. Of course not. Couldn't be that.



Wildlife I have seen and/or rescued whilst house sitting for Sara's family this week:
brown rabbit (seen)
opossum (seen)
orangey-skinned turtle (seen and rescued)


Last night (being Thursday night) was my last tutoring session with Suzanne for the foreseeable future. I wrote down the Einstein quote for her: "Everyone is a genius--but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." I'm going to miss that girl.


I forgot the other things.


Edit:

Before going to bed I pulled up my itunes and went to a song that I love: "Table for Two." The lyrics are more apt than I had intended them to be.

Danny and I had another late night over pancakes. We talked about soccer, and how every man's just the same. We made speculation on the whos and the whens of our futures, and how everyone's lonely, but still, we just couldn't complain. And how we just hate being alone. Could I have missed my only chance? And now I'm just wasting my time by looking around.
But you know I know better. I'm not gonna worry about nothing. 'Cause if the birds and the flowers survive, then I'll make it okay. Given a chance and a rock, see which one breaks a window, and see which one keeps me up all night and into the day. 
Because I'm so scared of being alone, that I forget what house I live in. And that it's not my job to wait by the phone for her to call.
This day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule: from the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt. 'Cause you knew how you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden, and you knew this day long before you made me out of dirt. And you know the plans that you have for me, and you can't plan the ends, and not plan the means, and so I suppose I just need some peace, just to get me to sleep.

What is love?*

I need to write, I think. I have not been writing.

Sara's home. She and Brian came over tonight to provide moral support while I did my taxes. It was great. It was so great.

Earlier today Kelly came over to talk, and I ended up providing moral support while she talked to her boss and ended up almost certainly quitting her job. She'd planned to do that in person, but it didn't work out that way. It was so great. We went to Carytown to celebrate, had frozen yogurt, walked around. I saw some shoes I've been wanting in a shop window and ran in to try them on--they're so new that there aren't any reviews anywhere online--and they fit pretty well. I may go back for them.

It was great.

Sunday Jack and I came home from Camp, I jumped in the shower, and I ran over to Sara's parents' house so we could all take the "limo" to meet Sara and Brian at the airport. The limo turned out to be more of a party bus, and Ami and I got tipsy on pink sparkling sake on the way to the airport (I essentially never drink, so this took...one soda-sized bottle of the stuff). We hid in the bus to surprise Sara, and when she saw us, she screamed. Group hug. Utterly unflattering pictures. Slightly drunken shopping at Whole Foods. Dinner of sushi and burgers and grilled zucchini back at the house. It was great.


And Camp...Camp was wonderful. It almost always is, when I let it be so. I had a hard time with that "let it be" issue over the weekend--I had a really weird, initially extremely unsettling and upsetting experience with some crazy guy from POF last week, and when I got to Camp it still had me in a heavy, black mood. I had to remind myself a lot to just drop it, but though I needed a lot of reminding, that reminding helped. I had had plans to corner Victoria and vent about this guy, and she was interested in the story, but she'd brought friends with her and felt the need to play hostess, and I didn't know what to say anyway. I was exhausted on several levels, and I guess I sulked for a while, but eventually I let go of my plans (always a good option) and hung out with Liz in the kitchen, talked to Jim on the swings, took a nap and saved this note to myself in my phone:

Here is where I am. Drop everything else. Here is where I am: alone and peaceful
in a warm, dry bed
in a safe place
surrounded by friends
and love
listening to the soft rain and distant thunder
retreating for a nap before supper.
Alone and warm and beautifully sleepy, in a wholly beautiful place. 
That is all that matters.

That morning a group of us had gone caving. I had nearly backed out, but went anyway because another driver was needed. Jack went. The new people loved it. It was a very short trip, but it was good. That night we had a staff meeting to talk about programmatic changes, mainly to the patch and CiT voting systems. It was a really good meeting. And afterward, Charity and I talked to Beth about our roles as lead counselors. We talked about tithing to Camp and using the money to create a lead counselor slush fund. I'm really looking forward to it.

A game of pictionary was pulled together, using prompter cards from the 80's. A game of double Jenga was loudly taking place a few tables away, and later, an even louder game of mangy cat, which I and a few other pictionary players joined after our game wrapped up. It was really, really great.




























*(Baby don't hurt me...)

A few things.

Since brass, nor stone, nor earth, nor boundless sea,
but sad mortality o'ersways their power
how with this rage shall beauty hold a plea
whose action is no stronger than a flower?

O, how shall summer's honey breath hold out
against the wreckful siege of batt'ring days
when rocks impregnable are not so stout
nor gates of steel so strong, but Time decays?

O fearful meditation! Where, alack
shall Time's best jewel from Time's chest lie hid?
Or what strong hand can hold his swift foot back?
Or who his spoil of beauty can forbid?

O, none, unless this miracle have might,
that in black ink, my love may still shine bright.


This is, I think, the first time that I have ever noticed that in line six, the word is "wreckful"--not "wrackful." Wow. Anyway, I memorized this in 11th grade. I love it even more now. I did pieces of the Crispin's Day speech, too, but I'm not sure how much I can remember. There are always a few places in any memorized piece that tend to slip through the cracks. In the above, sonnet number God-knows-what, it's line nine.

What's he that wishes so? My cousin Westmoreland?
[No, my fair cousin, if we are marked to die, we are enow
to do our country loss; and if to live,
the fewer men, the greater share of honor.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
it yearns me not if men my garments wear;
such outward things dwell not on my desires:
but if it be a sin to covet honor,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England:
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honor
as one man more, methinks, would share from me.]

Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host
that he that hath no stomach for this fight,
let him depart, his passport shall be made
and crowns for convoy put into his purse.
We would not die in that man's company
that fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is called the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
will stand a-tip-toe when the day is named,
and rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
shall yearly at the vigil feast his neighbors,
and say, "To-morrow is St Crispian."
Then he will strip his sleeve and show his scars
and say, "These wounds I had on Crispin's Day."
Old men forget, yet all shall be forgot,
but he'll remember with advantages
what feats he did that day. Then shall our names
familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd;
This story shall the good man teach his son,
and Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
from this day to the ending of the world,
but we, in it, shall be remember'd.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers
for he today that sheds his blood with me
shall be my brother, be he ne'er so vile:
this day shall gentle his condition.
And gentlemen in England now abed
shall think themselves accursed they were not here
and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
that fought with us upon St. Crispin's day.




Lastly, here is a quote, and then a thought.

Quote:
All things are shadows of the shining True:
Sun, sea, and air...
Every thing holds a slender guiding clue
Back to the mighty oneness.

-George Macdonald.

I have no idea whether this is a full quote or some kind of butchered excerpt, but I like it. It is posted on one of the blogs of David's sister-in-law. I would link you, but I forgot to get the url before closing the window.

Another of her blogs mentioned feeling wonder at the snow, and at most things, during the lifting of an illness. I left a note ("The best, most wonderful, most glorious thing about deep illness is the euphoric moment when it lifts"), and then realized how true it was. That many of the most poignant moments of my life have occurred right at the moment when illness (I use the term loosely here; illness ~ misery) suddenly lifted. The moment Chloe gave me a cup of unsweetened black tea, and my migraine dissipated into nothing. I had always disliked that mug before, but it's been one of my favorites ever since. The moment I awoke from my first (and only, thankyouverymuch) post-alchohol-poisoning sleep. The moment I awoke from my first hours of real sleep in weeks. I felt like a desert, and like a rainstorm had just begun in me. There was air.

Quotes on a common theme

From today.

"Keep on loving what is true, and the world will come to you. You can find it in yourself."


"Connection is love. Love is connection. Every time someone pisses me off I look at them like they are my newborn baby in my arms. This is my new practice. To open my heart to every single person I encounter like I did when I pulled my children from my insides to my chest. I really suck at it. I do. But I refuse to stop trying. Because when I get it, it’s good. it’s so good. Right when I am about to tell my man he’s an asshole, I see his baby face, new and fresh. And. I just. Can’t. Do anything but love." 

I'm doing all right.

I want a rainbow raincoat, with the colors bleeding down into one another in rings until, at the bottom, purple. I want a white umbrella that I can paint with raindrops and sunshine. I want bare feet and warm puddles and distant thunder and, after nightfall, a crescendo of fireflies glittering across the fields and up into the full, luscious trees under a royal blue-black sky.

I guess I can wait, though. Afternoons of grey skies and chill wind and freezing rain have their place. And I felt so much joy, driving home after tutoring tonight, that I laughed aloud and nearly wept.




I don't love any of the videos of it, but despite my strong issues with smoking, I do love this song. Can't help it.





A quote posted by a facebook friend: "He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart." -C.S. Lewis. I have no idea whether Lewis actually said/wrote this, but I hope so.



Song I was listening to when suddenly smitten with a wave of nearly overwhelming joy:



I've been on a little bit of a country kick lately. Don't judge me.

I am exhausted,

but I am waiting up for the eclipse to hit its stride. It's looking like a crescent moon at the moment. This is one of those things that I always feel like I should get really excited for, but don't actually get all that excited for. I mean, I'd kind of like to see it, but the super slow motion and the dull red light generally end up feeling pretty anticlimactic to me. That, and the fact that I still don't have a camera that can get decent shots of it. One of these days I'm going to have to give in and get a DSR.


I have really been doing a lot of snow boot shopping lately, and I am really getting sick of it. The Sorel Tivoli boots came in the mail today, and they are narrow. And I have wide feet. The situation has been improved by the wearing of stockings and the replacement of the (quite thick) Sorel inserts with thinner ones, but I'm still not 100% decided about keeping them. So I've been looking for emergency backups. Here's a possibility, though I'm not sure about wedge heels in snow boots, or in general. Who the crap makes snow boots with heels?



I spent some time this morning/afternoon working with one of my aunts. She shared with me two excerpts from books that she has read. The first is by Melody Beattie, and I didn't catch the originator of the second, though it is often mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela. Bold font obviously mine.

"Say thank you until you mean it.
Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
Gratitude makes things right.
Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. We can start with who we are and what we have today, apply gratitude, then let it work its magic.
Say thank you until you mean it. If you say it long enough, you will believe it."

(Disclaimer: I can't say that I completely agree that one should be thankful for everything, but I do think that in every situation, there is something to be thankful for. And while I don't necessarily think that gratitude will instantly fix every problem, I do believe that it saved my life.)

[Going to check on the eclipse*.]

[It now looks like a very fuzzy crescent with a very faint, greyish-red tinge. This might be due to some thin clouds in the way, but it's hard to tell for sure. It isn't a very clear night out here though.]

Second, not-Nelson-Mandela quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us--it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."



Another note: Chloe parked the car in a somewhat unwise spot this evening, and got sideswiped. The car? My car. This is the second time in just over a week that someone has hit my car while it wasn't moving. PSA, everybody: don't buy a gd navy blue car. Surprisingly enough, it tends to blend in with the navy blue nighttime. Crazy, right?


Lastly, I really want these boots. I want them so bad. They come in navy blue! How often does that happen? I think possibly I should be banned from looking up boots online for a while.






















*I am ashamed and a little bit horrified to admit that when I say the word "eclipse**," I think of the Twilight series.

**Oh God, I capitalized it.

God is in the rain.*

I so love the rain, though I am beginning to suspect that I may be suffering from a little bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Or hormones. Either way.

But I love the rain, and falling asleep to the rain, and waking up to the rain. Rain, rain, rain.



Rain.

















*Quoted from "V for Vendetta," which may very well have gotten it from somewhere else.

Also, more on my bff Terry Pratchett

From a reddit thread on whether he/she should read Pterry*, and specifically on whether Terry is similar to Neil Gaiman (who is also awesome):

"He sometimes is, except that Pratchett doesn't consistently write about the alienated and slightly pathetic main character. You know, that guy who was in that book, who has a job he hates, trouble with his love-life and generally feels out of touch with things until something strange starts happening and he discovers a world beyond ours, before it turns out that he is destined for greatness and the hottest stuff since the invention of fire."

Update to the stuff-I-want list:

-EnV 3 Verizon phone
-Plywood scraps (to paint on)
-Acrylic paints in tubes or bottles--not pots.
-Thickish* wire, copper or silver. I know nothing about wire, really, or wire widths. I just want to try hammering it and making easy/interesting jewelry or, um, something.


In other news, I took a nap today and it didn't even make me any less tired at all. Wtf.


And a quote, provided by Angela, from a student:
Student: "I been got mine's."
Angela: "You have gotten yours?"
Student: "That don't sound right. Miss P, you be talkin ghetto!"


I can't really decide whether to laugh or cry...



















*Evidently, "thickish" is an actual word. No spell check notification!

Written in my notebook today:

Turns out that a mouthful of celery leaves will temporarily numb your tongue.

Last night we had a rip-roaring thunderstorm, or so I hear from my mom. I went to bed wishing it would rain, fell asleep, and missed the whole thing. I think some part of my mind could hear it though, because I seem to have slept better last night than any other night for weeks. Despite not getting to sleep until 1 or so and then waking at 7:45 (missed my alarm twice, apparently), I felt more energized this morning than I've felt in ages.

Yesterday I saw a frog jump into a ditch puddle while I was walking Miley. Magical!

Once again I feel like I've forgotten half of what I wanted to say. Suddenly this morning I am SUPER EXCITED to be going to Camp on Friday. Even without Victoria, Ellen, Dan or Jr, I hope it's fabulous. I hope it's warm enough for canoeing and maybe swimming. I need to find my water shoes, towel, flashlight, knee pads, caving pants, and so on. Sean's riding up with me so that might be nice. Should be, yes.

If I ever get my taxes done Kelly and I may go to Belle Isle Wednesday, which would be cool. Today I'm taking Marina to Maymont and maybe going to Chloe's "As You Like It" dress rehearsal. Definitely a recipe for taxes getting done, I know. And Thursday Kelly and Maggie want to go to a movie. Sigh. And then Friday is Camp! And the next weekend is Ian's (and Adrienne's) baptism, omg. How did April get here so fast? I feel like two seconds from now I'll be in Lafayette, and then I'll be 24. And David will still be gone. Will that ever stop rising from the depths of my heart like bile in my throat? I feel like I have chronic heartburn. The water is clear as far down as can be seen, and sparkling in the sun and then Leviathan stirs on the bottom, and sends clouds of dust and a smell of pain welling up to the surface. My arms are still empty, my lips still unkissed.

[end notebook entry]



In case anyone was feeling particularly driven to inform me once again, I would like to make it known that I am in fact aware of the fact that the answer to the question of "will that ever stop rising" is "yes." However, I retain my right to be frustrated at the unexpected intrusion of my heartbreak into a previously happy mental state.

In other news, I did take Marina to Maymont and it was actually pretty great. She really loved the park, especially the waterfall, and seemed to really appreciate being willingly taken out to do something fun on a nice day by an adult. I thought that might be the case, which was of course the whole point. I ended up talking about literature and the dangers of thoughtlessness in society with her mom at the end of the day, and we're all hoping to get together again sometime in the next few months for an educational type outing, possibly to the Poe museum. Not that any of us seem to be huge fans of Poe (I mean, I'll concede that he was talented, but his talent doesn't make me enjoy reading about insanity and death), but it seems like it might be interesting. I haven't been since grade school, and even then I think I was only in the garden, helping my aunt set up for a party.

I still haven't done my taxes. Ugh.


After I wrote in the notebook I read over what I had written before, and here's what I wrote February 27, at 1 am.

About the "so many different kinds of love" poem*--I guess it's about change, too. Each act of love changes both the lover and the loved. It's the way of the universe--change. Everything changes everything, irrevocably, every moment.




And here is the best thing that has happened all day. Chloe quotes are pretty high up on my list of awesomest most favoritest things.

(ok actually here's one from yesterday first)

me: Yeah I'm not a mango lover.
Chloe: Yeah you think they taste like Christmas trees. And they do.
m: Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that. But they do.

(sometimes we say "yeah" a lot.)

Tonight:
C: Hey Marie, what's your present tolerance for grossness?
M: What kind?
C: Um, snot.
M: Oh. High.
C: Okay, well the other day...[tells story about snot being accidentally reconstituted in the washing machine. Then,] ...so if snot is ever dried in your nose, and you want to, you know, make it usable again, you can just wash it, or like, infuse it with water...
M: [typing] ...wash it in the sink...
C: [annoyed] I did not say 'wash it in the sink.' Why would you wash it in the sink? It's in your nose. That's stupid. You make me sound stupid.

At this point I started to giggle, and then we both cracked up for several minutes. She said the worst part was that she had been serious. Clearly that was actually the best, and not the worst part.









*which can be read here, if anyone is interested.

Quote of the Day:

"Oh! I forgot to say she was an acidic Jew!"

-Chloe, referring to a woman, a Hasidic Jew, who died yesterday at 93. She has an estimated 2,000 descendants.

Quotes thieved from nateshorb, and other things.

Denison Witmer sings, "Today I feel a part of something bigger than myself, a raindrop in the sea, a book between books on the shelf."

Jesus Christ says, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

Aaron Weiss writes, "Six of my closest friends dig up the ground, all of my accomplishments gently lowered down...Grape on the vine, why not be crushed to make wine?"

James 4:14 says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Nateshorb blogs,
"No snowflake is perfect. Each one seems to have a blemish of some sort. All a bit flawed.

"Snowflakes don't live a very long life.

"And they don't do much good on their own.

"Yes, this is where my mind started wandering. Because what snowflake has ever canceled school all by itself? What good is just one snowflake? Nice to look at in a microscopic photograph, sure, but how many snowflakes does it take to coat the trees in a serene landscape? What snowflake has ever caused a blizzard on its own? As unique and special as a snowflake is, if it wants to amount to anything, it must give itself up to the greater cause. We can give everyone warm fuzzies by telling kids over and over how unique and special they are, but the fact of the matter is, if we want to amount to anything, we must do the same."



Today wasn't the best for me, but as sometimes happens, my family made it better. Work ended on a not-so-great note, and I've been feeling pretty fragile. David's been feeling like shit and that's hard for me as well. I am tired in every sense of the word that comes to mind at the moment. Tired, tired. Today I wrote that I felt like my brain was caving in, like the air was thinning out. That I knew I should fight it but I just wanted to let my knees buckle. But I know I have to stay afloat, and I have to keep breathing.
By the time I walked in the door of my house, I just wanted to cry. I still do, a little. But here is why I am thankful for living with my parents: my family saves me. Chloe saves me. My mother and father, they save me. Sometimes Jack stops by and he saves me, too. It's love, I guess. It's definitely laughter and it's every smile, and every loving acceptance. And laughter. And love. They make the world warmer.

Moods/events today

Tired
Groggy
Awake
Grateful For Tea
Grateful For Warm Weather
Worried About Lateness
Thankful For On-Timeness
Laughing
Glad To Train With My Team Leader
Remembering Rapport With Team Leader
Sleepiness
Awakeness
Insecurity
Annoyance
Remembering Irritation With Team Leader
Frustration
Anger
Copping Major Attitude With Team Leader
Brief Crying Spell In B&N Bathroom Stall*
Brief argument
Longer Explanations And Reconciliation
Learning To Trust Team Leader
Getting Friendly-ly Harassed By Local Business Owner
Practicing Pitch And Gaining Confidence
Feeling Good About Day/Work?/Life (?)
Daily Rundown Of The Day
Feeling Good About Day/Work?/Life (?)

going home and talking to Sara (thumbs-up) and eating dinner and watching NCIS (thumbs-up) and checking email and writing this and getting sick of the format and giving up and writing in semi-sentence form. I need a shower. I need a bed. David is coming tomorrow! I'm hoping I'll have enough energy for DC on Saturday. After this week, though, walking around in tennis shoes instead of dress shoes is probably going to feel like a vacation on the beach with free ice cream and mai-thais.






*At which point I thought of the quote from Anne Lamott--"and that was when I first discovered that God is in the ladies' room"--and prayed, "thank you." This was amongst lots of other "should I even be here? Please give me a sign. Please open a door, if I should be somewhere else. Please help me learn and cope. Later, after I'd gone back out to where my team leader was waiting, and woman he had helped the previous day came up and said hello and told me that he was great, and that I would do well. I don't know if that was a sign or not, but it was nice to hear.

Other Thing

Driving home 40 minutes in the dark, in the soft rain, with street reflections shining and Christmas music playing.

Also, an addition: they are selling limited edition coconut M&Ms at Wal-Mart. And oh my gosh, they are so good.


A few word of wisdom from Anne Lamott, the best writer ever, author of (among many other truly great things) Traveling Mercies. 

"Olivia [a two year old with cystic fibrosis] always got sicker than other babies; she caught colds that wouldn't leave, which led to coughs that sounded like those of an obese alcoholic smoker...now she and I sit together in her room and eat chocolate, and I tell her that in a very long time when we both go to heaven, we should try to get chairs next to each other, close to the dessert table."

"I started to feel like a tired, wired little kid at a birthday party who has had way too much sugar, who is in all ways on overload, but still finds herself blindfolded and spun around for a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, and then pushed more or less in the direction of the wall with the donkey on it. But I was so turned around, so lost and overwhelmed and stressed the I couldn't even remember where the wall with the donkey was--or even in what direction it might be found. So I couldn't take one step forward without there being a chance that I was actually walking farther away from it. And it took me a while to remember that for me, the wall with the donkey on it is Jesus."

"When they were done [taking blood to test Sam for Leukemia], I took Sam off to the bathroom because I had to pee and that was when I first discovered that God is in the ladies' room."

"...After a while I got up and took Sam's hand and we went and got some smoothies. You really do have to eat, anything at all that you can bear. So we had smoothies, with bananas, which I believe to be the only known cure for existential dread."

Thoughts (mine and others') and blessings from today.

The more (and more varied) work experience I get, the more my view of the world changes. Obviously the world is the same, but when I look around I don't just see things; I see the work of a man's (or woman's) hands-- the product of a person's thoughts and efforts and creativity.

Blessings today:

     Foaming hand soap. It is so awesome.
     That new book smell in Barnes&Noble
     A (temporarily) working gas gauge this morning. I had thought I was almost on empty. Turns out I had a half tank. I love when that happens. (The thing seems to prefer 35-45 degree weather. And mornings?)

Too,

This is the kind of old woman I want to be: At the nursing home where he volunteers, David overheard today an old woman who had been mischievously eating glue during craft time. She laughed and said, "I wondered if I could do it without you all seeing me."


And lastly, some marvelous thoughts from Clive Staples Lewis.

"To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

Liddell* River / God is in the rain**

The stream sweeps joyfully past
after the storm, barely contained
in its banks. It rushes by,
full and lithe,
leaping to leap
and running to run,
fat and swift and happy.

I can hear it singing:
"God made me for a purpose,
but He also made me fast.
When I run,
I feel his pleasure."


*Eric Liddell

**From V For Vendetta, the movie. (Possibly the graphic novel as well, but I have no idea.)

So, I don't really keep up with the news well.

But rest in peace, Mary Travers and Patrick Swayze.

I liked Patrick Swayze, but I am even more upset about Mary Travers. It was one of my life dreams to see Peter, Paul, and Mary perform, but I guess that's not happening this side of the Styx. Since, as I mentioned, I don't really keep up with things well, I had no idea that her leukemia had relapsed. Her death is a great loss.

[insert transitional phrase]

Quotes from my sister:

"It was the epitomal part of your life. The pivotal turnage point!"
"I just am so problematic, in everything I do."

In response to my question, "can I save your quotes? and put them on the internet?":
"Yeah. I am a very quotable person."


Also, the extent to which I memorized the periodic table in high school chemistry, which I still remember:

h he li be b c n o f ne na mg al si p s cl ar k ca sc ti v cr

I am rather impressed with myself over this.


[insert transitional phrase]



For a number of reasons, I've decided not to go to the beach in South Carolina, after all. I plan on taking this as an opportunity to practice not regretting things.