I feel like this shouldn't be news.

My sister Chloe and I discovered the other day that a woman we know struggles with an eating disorder. I wouldn't normally mention something like this in a public forum, and I do not do so lightly now. I share it only because of the conversation this discovery prompted between Chloe and myself.


I don't remember the entire course of the conversation, but I remember saying, "well, refusing to love yourself until you deem yourself worthy of love is never, ever, ever going to work. That's just not how that works."

I said this expecting something along the lines of a nod of assent from my sister, but instead she said "Oh."


She didn't know.


Is this a thing that people don't know? Have I somehow been lucky enough to stumble into this patch of truth by accident?  Do you punish and withhold love from yourself?

I asked her whether this was something I should have said years ago, and she told me that I should write it. So hear is what I need you to understand:

Refusing to love yourself until you are "worthy" is never going to work. It is never going to make you better. It will never work because it isn't possible to build yourself up while you are tearing yourself down. It will never work because you will never deem yourself worthy until you are perfect, and you never will be. It will never work because people don't reach their full potential when they are living in the shadow of disgust and disapproval and criticism--they reach their full potential when they are forgiven, loved and encouraged and supported. So try this for a change: love yourself. Respect yourself. Forgive yourself.

When you royally screw up--like you will and like I will and like everyone else--apologize, set right what you can, and carry on. What good comes from flagellating yourself?

Forgive, encourage, and support yourself--as you would a beloved child--and see how you grow. See what you can do.

Perspectives

Sometimes I live my life in a swirl of smiles and affection--the sometimes-dreary trudge of days is highlighted for a time with shining memories or glimpses of my cousin's beautiful red hair, my best friend's smile, my best guy friend's hugs, gorgeous slanting rays of sunlight and the earth warm beneath my feet--and those are the things that matter. Those are the things I hold onto.

But other times, other days, other moments, it doesn't matter how much time I've spent with the people I love. It doesn't matter how much they love me. It doesn't matter how great I felt or didn't feel earlier in the day. The beauty of the sunset slides right off my temporal lobe and disappears into the cold river, and all I feel is bleak and alone.

In the night

Sometimes, it's just lonely.

That is what the internet is for.

That is what the internet makes.

I should be asleep.

Quotes thieved from nateshorb, and other things.

Denison Witmer sings, "Today I feel a part of something bigger than myself, a raindrop in the sea, a book between books on the shelf."

Jesus Christ says, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

Aaron Weiss writes, "Six of my closest friends dig up the ground, all of my accomplishments gently lowered down...Grape on the vine, why not be crushed to make wine?"

James 4:14 says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

Nateshorb blogs,
"No snowflake is perfect. Each one seems to have a blemish of some sort. All a bit flawed.

"Snowflakes don't live a very long life.

"And they don't do much good on their own.

"Yes, this is where my mind started wandering. Because what snowflake has ever canceled school all by itself? What good is just one snowflake? Nice to look at in a microscopic photograph, sure, but how many snowflakes does it take to coat the trees in a serene landscape? What snowflake has ever caused a blizzard on its own? As unique and special as a snowflake is, if it wants to amount to anything, it must give itself up to the greater cause. We can give everyone warm fuzzies by telling kids over and over how unique and special they are, but the fact of the matter is, if we want to amount to anything, we must do the same."



Today wasn't the best for me, but as sometimes happens, my family made it better. Work ended on a not-so-great note, and I've been feeling pretty fragile. David's been feeling like shit and that's hard for me as well. I am tired in every sense of the word that comes to mind at the moment. Tired, tired. Today I wrote that I felt like my brain was caving in, like the air was thinning out. That I knew I should fight it but I just wanted to let my knees buckle. But I know I have to stay afloat, and I have to keep breathing.
By the time I walked in the door of my house, I just wanted to cry. I still do, a little. But here is why I am thankful for living with my parents: my family saves me. Chloe saves me. My mother and father, they save me. Sometimes Jack stops by and he saves me, too. It's love, I guess. It's definitely laughter and it's every smile, and every loving acceptance. And laughter. And love. They make the world warmer.

I call this the "if it ain't broke, fix it bitter" tour.

1(a

le
af
fa
ll

s as)
one
(girl sits
sits
sits
and reads
reads
sleeps
sits as friends
travel
write
leave her a
l
one)
l

iness


thanks to E. E. Cummings.




In other news: job offer from Banker's Life and Casualty Company. This was sort of exciting until I realized that hiring me would constitute absolutely no risk for the company whatsoever, as my pay would be based entirely on commission. I'd be surprised if they didn't hire almost everyone who applied. Also, to get licensed to sell insurance, I'd have the honor of paying out about $300 to various people for classes and tests and permission from the state and whatnot--non-reimbursable. Sounds great, don't it?
Also on the job front, I interviewed today with Mad Science, a company whose goal is to get kids excited about science, and a company which seems much more up-front, open, and honest, and awesome, in just about every way. I mean, obviously I wouldn't have anything close to the earning potential I would at Banker's Life, but I probably wouldn't hate my job, either. As an added bonus, they'll hire me for free! (If they hire me. Let's not get nit-picky.)