Thursday, June 28, 2018
That wasn't the candy that I wanted. (What was the candy that I wanted?) Well that candy didn't fulfill me as a human being.
Then my eyes rolled so hard they got stuck somewhere up by my hairline.
Monday, January 8, 2018
I can't say that I'm all that mentally stable these days--hormonal swings in particular still tend to grab me by the collar, slam me into a wall, and throw me on the ground. Then kick me in the gut until I wish I could die without sending ripples of pain out through everyone I love.
But luckily I don't have hormonal swings every day. And I am trying to keep talismans in my pocket for those moments--ginseng tea, deep breathing, walks to the river with Ian. It is difficult work, but I am trying to find things that help me to feel like this is all worth it. I am trying to find hope, and when I find it, I am trying to hold on. TENEZ BON, as my uncle recommended at our wedding, and wrote in what is I think my favorite guestbook entry.
I had been doing rather well, I thought, until my father ended up in the hospital for two months with a persistent infection. That was years ago, but I have felt the ground crumbling beneath me ever since. It feels like that incident that spring was the shot heard round the world, and life has just been one disaster after another. I am trying to keep my feet on solid ground. I am trying to hold on to it, to put it back.
But I have a family, and a place to live, and friends who will be there for me if I can learn to stop shutting them out. I have a sweet and caring husband. I have a job that almost pays the bills.
Maybe there is hope, even if I can't always see it. I am trying to have faith. I am trying.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Sunday, January 22, 2017
So I got that going for me, which is nice. I guess.
That being said, if I weren't so indecisive, I might not be so anxious and depressed all the time. It's hard to say which stems from which.
I'm sitting here in my parents' bathroom, because I stopped in here before leaving their house and I can't stop crying long enough to leave, and my parents are both on edge now and it just reinforces my belief that I have to control my emotions or else they'll fuck other people up. Which might be true, but it isn't healthy.
I was supposed to have a nice afternoon of socializing but I can't even get to my goddamn car.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Here's what I love about Star Wars, particularly in its most recent iteration.
In Star Wars, there's no internet.
In Star Wars, one can lose one's mind, and get it back again, and be someone who matters and makes a difference.
In Star Wars, it's okay to be a woman.
In Star Wars, nobody uses translators--have you noticed? Everyone speaks his or her or its own language, and everyone else understands. And if you don't understand, then that's your problem.
In Star Wars, people fighting for Good work together, and they give everything they have, knowing that they may never find out whether it all worked out, or whether other people would hold up their end. People do 'what they can with what they have, where they are.' They do their little piece as best as they can. As Jyn put it: "If we make it to the ground, we'll take the next chance, and the next--on and on until we win, or the chances are spent."
Rebellions are built on hope.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Badly, as usual. I've realized that one reason I tend to fall so easily into despair is that I expect the rest of my life to be all downhill from here. I can't imagine taking on a new responsibility because i feel certain that in the future I'll only be more tired, more anxious, more achy, less physically able and thus less mentally or emotionally capable.
I don't want any of my problems to have anything to do with my father, but I think maybe they do. I have two wonderful parents, but growing up with a parent that has a debilitating degenerative disease will do things to your head.