Monday, January 8, 2018


I don't visit this place very often these days, as may be made obvious by the dearth of posts. But I just stopped by and read what I'd been writing...which is awful. So I wanted to put in something nicer.

I can't say that I'm all that mentally stable these days--hormonal swings in particular still tend to grab me by the collar, slam me into a wall, and throw me on the ground. Then kick me in the gut until I wish I could die without sending ripples of pain out through everyone I love.

But luckily I don't have hormonal swings every day. And I am trying to keep talismans in my pocket for those moments--ginseng tea, deep breathing, walks to the river with Ian. It is difficult work, but I am trying to find things that help me to feel like this is all worth it. I am trying to find hope, and when I find it, I am trying to hold on. TENEZ BON, as my uncle recommended at our wedding, and wrote in what is I think my favorite guestbook entry.

I had been doing rather well, I thought, until my father ended up in the hospital for two months with a persistent infection. That was years ago, but I have felt the ground crumbling beneath me ever since. It feels like that incident that spring was the shot heard round the world, and life has just been one disaster after another. I am trying to keep my feet on solid ground. I am trying to hold on to it, to put it back.

But I have a family, and a place to live, and friends who will be there for me if I can learn to stop shutting them out. I have a sweet and caring husband. I have a job that almost pays the bills.

Maybe there is hope, even if I can't always see it. I am trying to have faith. I am trying.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Again. Still. More.

It's not so much that I want to kill myself these days, it's more that, roughly eighty five to ninety percent of the time, I find myself wishing I'd never been born.

Sunday, January 22, 2017


You know, I hate that I'm such an indecisive person, but if I weren't I probably would have killed myself a long time ago.

So I got that going for me, which is nice. I guess.

That being said, if I weren't so indecisive, I might not be so anxious and depressed all the time. It's hard to say which stems from which.

I'm sitting here in my parents' bathroom, because I stopped in here before leaving their house and I can't stop crying long enough to leave, and my parents are both on edge now and it just reinforces my belief that I have to control my emotions or else they'll fuck other people up. Which might be true, but it isn't healthy.

I was supposed to have a nice afternoon of socializing but I can't even get to my goddamn car.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Rogue One

Here's what I love about Star Wars, particularly in its most recent iteration.

In Star Wars, there's no internet.

In Star Wars, one can lose one's mind, and get it back again, and be someone who matters and makes a difference.

In Star Wars, it's okay to be a woman.

In Star Wars, nobody uses translators--have you noticed? Everyone speaks his or her or its own language, and everyone else understands. And if you don't understand, then that's your problem.

In Star Wars, people fighting for Good work together, and they give everything they have, knowing that they may never find out whether it all worked out, or whether other people would hold up their end. People do 'what they can with what they have, where they are.' They do their little piece as best as they can. As Jyn put it: "If we make it to the ground, we'll take the next chance, and the next--on and on until we win, or the chances are spent."

Rebellions are built on hope.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Predicting the future

Badly, as usual. I've realized that one reason I tend to fall so easily into despair is that I expect the rest of my life to be all downhill from here. I can't imagine taking on a new responsibility because i feel certain that in the future I'll only be more tired, more anxious, more achy, less physically able and thus less mentally or emotionally capable.

I don't want any of my problems to have anything to do with my father, but I think maybe they do. I have two wonderful parents, but growing up with a parent that has a debilitating degenerative disease will do things to your head.

Monday, November 28, 2016

This has been a really hard year.

I am a blood balloon made of eggshells and masking tape.

Monday, October 24, 2016

What matters to us?

I still remember the first time I heard a person speak about me--he was on a phone call--and refer to me as "a girl" from young life.

A what? What did he call me?

Now, let me take a step back and note that I knew I was female. I'd noticed. I'd done everything I could to prevent the onset of puberty, and I had hated puberty every step of the way. I had checked out a Star Wars comic and resolutely read it all through every health class at school. I answered every health class test question as vaguely as I could, and whenever my mother forced me to accompany her into the bra and underwear section of a department store I did everything I could to simultaneously disappear and avoid eye contact with anything that was on display.  Once when I was very young, one of my uncles told me that if I licked my elbow I would turn into a boy. I was smart enough to know that one cannot lick one's own elbow, but still, in secret, I tried. I told members of my family that when I grew up I was going to have myself "fixed," like a dog or cat, so I wouldn't have to menstruate. I was devastated when all of that bloody mess started. I lasted as long as I could without resorting to a bra. (Sweatshirts work wonders.) I heard that sleeping in a bra could stunt your breast growth, so I always slept in one. Maybe it was different when I was a toddler, but as far back as I can remember I hated skirts, I hated tights, I hated frilly frou frou anything. I never understood why or how all the other girls were so excited to grow up and be women--the idea of doing so disgusted me.

I'm not transgender. I'm not a lesbian. (Bicurious at best.) I don't self-identify as a man. But did I ever really feel comfortable as a girl? Do I feel like a woman now?

No. In fact, as an adult I still avoid referring to myself by any kind of gendered label. When I do inadvertently put myself in a corner where I must, I still always stumble over the word "woman."

In fact, as a young child, I declared war on girlhood. I took everything I could find that a person might associate with girls and I shoved it all in a box labeled "fuck that shit" and locked it, and I left it there for years. I spent somewhere between five and ten of my most formative childhood and adolescent years engaging in the highly damaging practice of defining myself only as NOT THAT. Goddamn it, you motherfuckers, I AM NOT THAT. I first started wanting to kill myself soon after I hit puberty--or rather, soon after puberty hit me. I used to have fistfights with my best friend from school, because it didn't make me feel girly. In the gym locker rooms, I always changed under my shirt. I remember the day my dad sat me down and told me that it was time I started wearing more skirts to school, and if looks could kill, I'd have become an orphan that day. Seventh grade was, I think, the year I developed my rage.

So I guess this is me telling you, whomever, that all this mess I thought I'd left in my childhood is still here inside me.

I can tell, because I've been shaking uncontrollably since the third sentence. And it's not cold in here.

What do you even call a person who just didn't want to be anything?

It doesn't matter. I don't want a label. I guess that's the whole point. I just want to be a human person.

This all started out, I started writing tonight with the intent of explaining that even though I'm...whatever I am, it doesn't matter. It isn't the most important thing about me.

And that's true, I think. But maybe it's more important than I've been telling myself.