Wednesday, August 22, 2012
And here is an ugly little thing, unwelcome guest in my home of a being. He has been here a while, having snuck back in after a long absence, cleverly disguised and under cover of darkness. He is the feeling of being unclean, unhealthy, small and dark and rotten on the inside. I feel like I need to be broken open and my insides scraped clean and washed out and dried in the sun, but instead I am stuck with all this decay locked inside my skin, like an overripe apple.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I have no idea when I last wrote, and I'm on my phone, so checking isn't really worth the effort. It's been pretty rough lately--death and depression in the family, joblessness (that my fault), lots of confusion--and I can feel myself sliding. The ambient sadness is settling in, the constant irritability, the poor attitude. And my heart is cold, and growing colder, and thusly is the confusion multiplied. It has been such a great victory for me to be able to allow myself to rely somewhat on my emotions, and watching many fall away and many of the rest degrade into pettiness again is difficult to take. I need to find, or make, a way back out of this. And I need to do it now.