Thursday, June 28, 2018

Deep Thoughts

I just got some candy from the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Idea basket (constantly filled with delicious name-brand candy) at the front desk at work because I am stress eating, and after I sat back down at my desk and ate it, I thought,

That wasn't the candy that I wanted. (What was the candy that I wanted?) Well that candy didn't fulfill me as a human being.

...

Oh, wait.


Then my eyes rolled so hard they got stuck somewhere up by my hairline.

Monday, January 8, 2018

HOPE.

I don't visit this place very often these days, as may be made obvious by the dearth of posts. But I just stopped by and read what I'd been writing...which is awful. So I wanted to put in something nicer.

I can't say that I'm all that mentally stable these days--hormonal swings in particular still tend to grab me by the collar, slam me into a wall, and throw me on the ground. Then kick me in the gut until I wish I could die without sending ripples of pain out through everyone I love.

But luckily I don't have hormonal swings every day. And I am trying to keep talismans in my pocket for those moments--ginseng tea, deep breathing, walks to the river with Ian. It is difficult work, but I am trying to find things that help me to feel like this is all worth it. I am trying to find hope, and when I find it, I am trying to hold on. TENEZ BON, as my uncle recommended at our wedding, and wrote in what is I think my favorite guestbook entry.

I had been doing rather well, I thought, until my father ended up in the hospital for two months with a persistent infection. That was years ago, but I have felt the ground crumbling beneath me ever since. It feels like that incident that spring was the shot heard round the world, and life has just been one disaster after another. I am trying to keep my feet on solid ground. I am trying to hold on to it, to put it back.

But I have a family, and a place to live, and friends who will be there for me if I can learn to stop shutting them out. I have a sweet and caring husband. I have a job that almost pays the bills.

Maybe there is hope, even if I can't always see it. I am trying to have faith. I am trying.