HOPE.

I don't visit this place very often these days, as may be made obvious by the dearth of posts. But I just stopped by and read what I'd been writing...which is awful. So I wanted to put in something nicer.

I can't say that I'm all that mentally stable these days--hormonal swings in particular still tend to grab me by the collar, slam me into a wall, and throw me on the ground. Then kick me in the gut until I wish I could die without sending ripples of pain out through everyone I love.

But luckily I don't have hormonal swings every day. And I am trying to keep talismans in my pocket for those moments--ginseng tea, deep breathing, walks to the river with Ian. It is difficult work, but I am trying to find things that help me to feel like this is all worth it. I am trying to find hope, and when I find it, I am trying to hold on. TENEZ BON, as my uncle recommended at our wedding, and wrote in what is I think my favorite guestbook entry.

I had been doing rather well, I thought, until my father ended up in the hospital for two months with a persistent infection. That was years ago, but I have felt the ground crumbling beneath me ever since. It feels like that incident that spring was the shot heard round the world, and life has just been one disaster after another. I am trying to keep my feet on solid ground. I am trying to hold on to it, to put it back.

But I have a family, and a place to live, and friends who will be there for me if I can learn to stop shutting them out. I have a sweet and caring husband. I have a job that almost pays the bills.

Maybe there is hope, even if I can't always see it. I am trying to have faith. I am trying.

Rogue One

Here's what I love about Star Wars, particularly in its most recent iteration.

In Star Wars, there's no internet.

In Star Wars, one can lose one's mind, and get it back again, and be someone who matters and makes a difference.

In Star Wars, it's okay to be a woman.

In Star Wars, nobody uses translators--have you noticed? Everyone speaks his or her or its own language, and everyone else understands. And if you don't understand, then that's your problem.

In Star Wars, people fighting for Good work together, and they give everything they have, knowing that they may never find out whether it all worked out, or whether other people would hold up their end. People do 'what they can with what they have, where they are.' They do their little piece as best as they can. As Jyn put it: "If we make it to the ground, we'll take the next chance, and the next--on and on until we win, or the chances are spent."

Rebellions are built on hope.

Chile

After 68 days, the second of the 33 Chilean miners has just been rescued from their tiny hole of a shelter a half-mile underground. Such joy! There is a live feed on the front page of CNN.com. It may take days to get everyone up. Go see!


Also, far less importantly, I made a formspring. There is a widget where there used to be a thing about saving the Byrd.