Wednesday.

Too many things I do, I do thoughtlessly. I would like to be a more thoughtful person, but this is difficult for me to pull off.

The difficulty factor is increased by the fact that I also want to live less thoughtfully--that is, I want to learn to live instinctively, in the moment, without analyzing the life out of every action I take. So yes. It's a difficult balance.


I saw a rainbow ringing the moon tonight. I saw one last night too, not as strongly. But then this evening I saw rainbows around porch lights as well, and that made it far less special. Maybe it's something about my contacts.


Today was Jack's birthday--his 22nd. He went to a UVA game with my dad, and my mother and I made him a blueberry pie. Delicious.

There is a sleepy cat in my lap, deliberately, though I tried to discourage her. I'm warmer than the couch, I suppose. Every so often she lazily drapes her paw across my touchpad, effectively preventing me from moving my cursor. But I love her anyway. Faith.

Celebrations

I'm not sure whether I've mentioned it, but my mother has four sisters. Today they all met (and invited me, and my half-cousin* Andrea) for a birthday lunch at Edo's Squid downtown. My mother's birthday is Wednesday, and my aunt Maude's was last week. Friday, maybe? I love their sisterly luncheons. They have impeccable taste in food and they know what things are on a menu. Each is always ready with the (correct) answer to such tricky questions as "what the hell is that?" Not that I'd ask that way, because my aunts are quite proper and would, I think, make a face communicating something along the lines of "I really hadn't thought you were such an idiot."

Edo's Squid, though it has a (sometimes deserved) reputation for bad (read: rude) service and waitstaff, tends to serve food which is little short of divine. I'd like to discuss all of it, but every time I try to think of another dish, my attention grabs hold of the doorjamb and drags itself back to the room with the salad of squid, white beans, and arugula. Let's lay aside for a moment the public love affair I have been carrying on with arugula and the other, private affair I've been having on the side with white beans. I wish I could tell you what else they put in here. There was onion, and there was perfectly cooked squid, and lemon and some kind of oil (very probably olive), but I couldn't name the spices. I could, however, have eaten the stuff all day long.

A shout-out also to the eggplant pasta. Mmmmm.



(And while we're on the subject of consumables, might I interest you in a whole bunch of things related to tea?)



Lastly, I heard about this book today on NPR, and I'd really like to read it. Unfortunately, as it was just released last month, it's still in that "$15" stage that I find so distasteful. I have high hopes though for used bookstore forays in the near future, so I'll see what I can find there to sate my lust for back-to-the-land memoirs.




















*She is the daughter of my aunt Maude's husband, from his previous marriage.

Two things.

First, I realized after posting that I put up the Neil Gaiman thing right after I wrote about how much I love the rain. So if you are interested in reading about rain being awesome, scroll down a whole bunch.


Secondly, why is the default time to do stuff always 10 am? Every time I ask someone "what time would be good for you?" they always respond with "10 am?" (Question mark belongs with their response, and not with the end of my sentence.)

I know that 10 am is reasonable, but I mean, 11 would be so much better...



Edit: Okay, so actually four things.

3: Today is not the birthday of Bilbo Baggins. That was actually September 22nd. I miss this every year because, I am pretty sure, I always realize that it's September 30th, and think that I have just barely avoided missing BB's birthday, which is (surely!) on 9/30. Isn't it? No. It is not. It is 9/22.

4. I have just run out of Peanut Butter Crunch, and I am terribly upset.

I feel like going to bed but I don't feel like it. Possibly this has to do with the fact that I love sleeping but can never fricking fall asleep anymore. But on the plus side, I found my benadryl today. I hate to misuse the stuff but as I said, I can never fricking fall asleep lately.

I did go to church with my parents today, but didn't talk to the woman about the apartments. I'm not sure whether she was there. I did sort of bond a little though with the mother of a kid Chloe acted with, which is a suppose a little odd. Our two families talked for a while though after the service was over, and that woman is hilarious. Unfortunately though I was sort of reaffirmed in the idea that the church in which I grew up is not really the church I want to be attending. That makes me sad because it means a lot to my dad, and I know a lot of people there (obviously), and going there would be so much more convenient than looking around for another church. But that's life.

The strawberry picking outing was a success, though it was really more like strawberry gleaning than picking. Have you ever experienced that horrible phenomenon of the siren strawberry call? There you are in your chosen row, bent down, berry basket grasped in one hand, the other hand deep in the sweet, green leaves. You drop a clutch of red heaven into your basket. You straighten, stand, gaze out across the strawberry fields. There. There it is. The shiniest, reddest, roundest, most beautiful strawberry ever born. You bound across the rows, filled with joy. You stop. Bend. Grasp. Lift.

The back side is rotten.

That was pretty much the story of today, only for the most part the bushes were scrawny, and almost all the strawberries were past their prime or rotten. I did manage to nearly fill my basket though. Also, there was a man from Turkey (via Russia) with his family! So I got to talk ESL stuff for a little while with a genuine ESL learner. Technically not ESL though I guess, as English is more like his fourth or fifth language, not his second. But still. Good times.

Back at the take-your-money building we found that they were selling cider slushies. Why have I never heard of these before? This is the best idea ever, ever. Ever. It was hot as all get-out today. Chloe got peach. I got apple. It was so good. I can't even find words to describe such gustatory beauty and wonder. Cider slushies.

Okay, let's just allow one small moment of emo-ness: I woke up this morning and spent a whole bunch of time silently moping to myself about how what I really would have wanted for my birthday would be for none of this sadness to have happened between me and David, and to have been able to spend today with him.

I am sorry to keep talking about it. It isn't as though my every waking moment is absorbed with it. But it's still an issue.


IN OTHER NEWS.

Today has been pretty nice thus far. After dragging myself out of bed, I came out into the dining room to find that my mom had picked a vase of wildflowers for me, and decorated "the birthday chair" for me as well. We talked while I ate breakfast and then I went to church, and she stayed back to get lunch ready because Chloe would have to leave again shortly after coming home.

Church (Northstar, for those who know what I am talking about) was nice--one of those where Theresa talked more about neurochemistry and learning to live in community than she talked about God, though she still always speaks through a God-lens. But then, of course, after everything was over I started to help put chairs back (they use folding chairs on Sundays), and I rediscovered that men do not like to let women put folding chairs away. I know they're trying to be polite or do the right thing or whatever, but it is really difficult for me not to get angry when this happens. I stand, I pick up about three folding chairs (the number that my hands are big enough to comfortably hold), and I walk over to the trolley that holds the folding chairs. There are almost always a bunch of people around it, so I wait for a space to open. While I'm waiting, almost inevitably, some guy comes up and offers to take the chairs from me. If I can (i.e. if he gives me a chance), I tell him that I'm fine and I do not need his help. Unfortunately, as soon as I get him to go away, some other guy comes up and literally grabs the chairs that I am holding. LOOK. I am not standing here because I want you to take these. I am standing here because I am waiting for you to get out of the way so I can put these away and grab some more.
So I relinquish the chairs. I go get some more. This time I am only able to pick up two before another guy (or the same one? I didn't look in their faces because I probably would have had a hard time not looking murderous) takes (again, not offers to take, but grabs) the chairs I am collecting. This happens one more time before I just let the last guy grab the one chair from me, and walk out without even glancing at him and without looking back. I could not handle it any more. I mean, really--would I be picking up chairs if I didn't want to help put them away? In case that question is a difficult one, let me help answer it: NO. No, I would not. I would be having a conversation with someone, or I could be gone. I don't walk up to you, Well-Intentioned-Christian-Man, and take your chairs, do I? No, I do not, because that would be belittling and rude. So why is it alright for you to do it to me? This skirt doesn't diminish my ability to lift ten--of even fifteen or twenty!--pounds of plastic and aluminum. Really, I am okay. No, really, if you try to take this out of my hands again, I might accidentally beat you with it.

No big deal.




At home we watched some old movie on TCM (it was fine, but I am really looking forward to the day that I never have to hear about that channel again) and ate a lunch of steak and pasta and vegetables. Our oven is broken, so apparently Mom mixed up a cake here last night and sent it with Jack back to his apartment, where he baked it. So nice! Coconut cake, with coconut frosting and shavings. I took some (read: a lot of) pictures. I forgot to tell my parents or siblings what I wanted for my birthday, so my dad bought me some books, which look pretty good.

I think in a little while my mom and I will go to the museum, as this is its grand re-opening weekend, and then on to Chloe's concert at 4. I am glad to go hear her sing, but selfishly I wish the concert weren't today. I really just want to paint, or sculpt, as I said last night. But I'm sure it will be nice.

And then maybe afterwards I can paint! Or do state taxes because they're due tomorrow! Yesss.

Aaaand I am 24! Happy birthday to me!



For some reason this year I am suddenly very excited about my birthday, but at the same time I don't really have any plans. This is upsetting to me--more so than is probably normal and more so than I'd like to admit to myself. I just am bad at planning things, at knowing what I want, etc. It doesn't help that (no guilt trips here, I promise) most of the people I'd most like to spend my birthday with are unavailable to me. It happens, I guess. But Kelly and Jr and I took the dogs to the park today, and that was fun. I'm hoping not to wake up covered in poison ivy--but at least if I did, I feel like Sara and I would be sort of even. Jellowjackets and poison ivy are comparable, right?





I caught a frog today--first of the season.
I heard a cicada yesterday--same deal.
Tonight we have the exhaust fan on, for the first time this year. I get excited about these kinds of things. Happy. Happy about anything that means that summer is coming again. (Everything, that is, except ticks and poison ivy.)



I was writing the other day, and posted it somewhere else, about how I want to make paint, and paint my face and my body. But for what? To do what? To go where? I don't know, and I don't know why. I just do. I just want colors all over me. I want colors all over everything, and I want to sculpt some stuff. This is a thought that has just come into my mind, so please excuse the unformed (no pun intended) nature of the idea. Just stuff. Clay, paper mache, wire, I don't know. I want to take things in my hands that don't look like much of anything, and then I want to bend and roll and squeeze and mold them until, possibly, they do look like things. I need to do something with my hands.

Update to the stuff-I-want list:

-EnV 3 Verizon phone
-Plywood scraps (to paint on)
-Acrylic paints in tubes or bottles--not pots.
-Thickish* wire, copper or silver. I know nothing about wire, really, or wire widths. I just want to try hammering it and making easy/interesting jewelry or, um, something.


In other news, I took a nap today and it didn't even make me any less tired at all. Wtf.


And a quote, provided by Angela, from a student:
Student: "I been got mine's."
Angela: "You have gotten yours?"
Student: "That don't sound right. Miss P, you be talkin ghetto!"


I can't really decide whether to laugh or cry...



















*Evidently, "thickish" is an actual word. No spell check notification!

Because a couple of people asked and I didn't have an answer, and in case anyone else was wondering, and also in case I forget like I usually do,

What I want/need for my birthday:

a jump drive, preferably a big (storage-space-wise) one.
Glee
Glee soundtrack(s)
Rainbows (the flip flops. Leather, I think. Or hemp? I don't know. I've never owned any. I wear size 9 or so.)
castor oil
sunflower seed oil (same link)
a "tree kit" for hanging a camping hammock

That's all I can think of at the moment.


In other news, this is probably not stuff any of you guys particularly want to read about, but whatever. Don't if you don't want to. I am just so glad I found this website before (probably someday) having kids, because I have always been the "omg that will hurt do anything to kill the pain please" type person w/regards to having a kid.



To understand why there is now an epidemic of epidural block for normal labour pain, it is necessary to understand what happens to the woman before she is offered the epidural. The care she receives when she comes to the hospital to give birth markedly increases the pain she will have. Scientific evidence shows labour pain is significantly increased: by laboring in an unfamiliar place; by being surrounded with unfamiliar people; by having unfamiliar procedures done; by being left unattended during labour; by being put in a horizontal position and not allowed to freely walk about; by having the membranes artificially ruptured; by having induction or augmentation with drugs. So the woman comes into the hospital in labour, has a number of things done which all increase her pain, is then offered an epidural and is so grateful to the staff for the relief of the pain, much of which the staff created.

...

Why does epidural block lead to operative birth? Two reasons. First, with the woman already having lost all feeling from the waist down because of the epidural, the temptation is great for the doctor to go right ahead and carry out surgical procedures. The second reason is fundamental to the basic understanding of the birth process. The pain of labour is an essential component of normal labour as it stimulates the brain to release hormones which, in turn, stimulate the uterus to contract at normal levels of intensity and at normal intervals so that placental blood flow will be maintained and there will be no fetal hypoxia. This is a delicate feedback process. With an epidural block there is an interruption of this process leading to a slowing or cessation of normal labour. Attempts can be made to overcome this with more and more stimulation of the uterus with more and more doses of drugs such as oxytocin---a rather typical scenario found in high tech birth where one intervention requires another intervention to try to overcome the complications of the first intervention. Nevertheless the scientific evidence is clear---- even with such efforts to overcome the slowing of labour caused by epidural block, there is still a four times greater chance forceps or vacuum extraction will be necessary after epidural block and at least a two times greater chance caesarian section will be required. This is no surprise---this is the inevitable result of using an intervention, epidural, which essentially stops the birth process in its tracks. The only way an epidemic of epidural block for normal birth has been able to happen is because the procedure has been given a very 'hard sell' to women by doctors. The only way that so many women agree to an epidural for normal labour is if they are told it is 'safe'.

...

First, a procedure can hardly be called 'safe' when close to a quarter (23%) of women receiving epidural block have complications. The risks to the woman are many and serious, starting with the possibility the woman will die because of the epidural. The maternal death rate for women having epidural block for normal labour pain is three times higher than for women with normal labour not having the block. For every 500 epidurals performed there will be one case of temporary paralysis of the woman and the paralysis will be permanent in one of every half million epidurals. The woman has a fifteen to twenty percent chance of fever after receiving an epidural, necessitating a diagnostic evaluation for possible infection in the woman and baby which can sometimes be invasive such as requiring a spinal tap of the baby. Between fifteen and thirty five percent of women given an epidural will suffer from urinary retention after the birth.

How effective is epidural block in relieving pain? In around 10% of epidural blocks it doesn't work and there is no pain relief. Even when it works, around a third of women given an epidural will trade a few hours of pain-free labour for days or weeks of pain after the birth. Thirty to forty percent of women receiving an epidural during labour will have severe backs pain after the birth and 20% will still have back pain a year later.

A great deal of scientific research has shown that women receiving epidural block for normal labour pain will have a significantly longer second stage of labour. This, in turn, results in a four times greater risk of using forceps or vacuum extraction and at least a two times greater risk of caesarian section and these operative interventions during birth carry their own serious risks as well. While many women might be willing to take risks with their own bodies to gain pain relief, it is highly unlikely they are willing to put their babies at risk. One common complication in the woman after an epidural is started is sudden loss of blood pressure leading to a sharp drop in blood flow through the placenta to the fetus, resulting in mild to severe lack of oxygen to the fetus as shown on a fetal heart rate monitor. In another typical high-tech strategy of using a second intervention to try to stop the bad effects of the first intervention, doctors give the woman a great big dose of fluid through an IV to try to prevent the drop in blood pressure from the epidural but this does not always work. So lack of oxygen to the baby during the epidural remains a possibility and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that the electronic fetal heart monitor shows severe fetal hypoxia in eight to twelve percent of infants whose mother's are given an epidural block for normal labour pain.

There are other risks to the infant including some data suggesting poor neurological function at one month of age in some babies whose mothers had epidural block. More recent innovations in epidural block, such as changing the type of drugs used or the drug doses used or the 'walking epidural', do not eliminate these risks to the woman and her baby.

One reason for the epidemic of epidural in many countries is that women are not told the scientific facts about all of the risks to them and their babies when epidural block is used for normal labour pain. Indeed, at one meeting of obstetric anesthesiologists in the US, discussions were held on how to prevent any information on risks of epidural from reaching the public. The excuse used was the typical patronizing approach of some doctors: "We don't want to scare the ladies." It is absolutely essential that any women offered epidural must be told all the scientific facts about the risks before she gives informed consent to the procedure.

With all these risks of epidural block to woman and baby, why are doctors urging women to use it? Research shows that doctors prefer the woman to have an epidural because then she is quiet and compliant. Furthermore, it is the frequent use of epidural for normal labour which has created a new specialty, obstetric anesthesiology, which is highly lucrative and flourishing---witness that obstetric anesthesiology journals contain advertisements urging doctors to purchase private jet airplanes.


(More of the article and more articles related to parenting at www.drmomma.org.)