Sometimes, there's something very restful about the darkness. Obviously most people prefer to sleep in the dark, but this is different. There is a profound sense of relief, or release, as soon as I walk into a darkened room. Yesterday I retreated to my bed, and curled up in the dark almost as soon as the sun went down. I sat in the dark and cried into my tea. And what a miracle is tea! There's something magic about a cup that's brewed and brought out of love, something medicinal and soothing when you're hurting. A blessing in the water.

I have been sad and crying a lot, but as breakups go, I guess this is the best I could have asked for--in fact, this is exactly the breakup that I did ask for. I prayed over and over, so many times, that if David and I were to break up, either he would do it, or it would be something we both realized needed to happen. I got both wishes, and I am thankful, but I wish he weren't in such pain. Or rather, I wish he weren't so withdrawn and empty and so numb to everything that this hardly even feels different to him. Maybe those are mutually exclusive, but I'd almost wish him sadness over this half-alive, autopilot existence he's been leading these past two months or so.

Last night the moon was half full, and tilted at a crazy angle, looking like all the center might spill out into space.

A lot of people have been very supportive, but I am so lonely.

What now?

well it's my first single night since may 31, 2007. I went to kelly's house and read teen romance, let maggie curl my hair, dipped crackers in chocolate, and didn't think about anything important. I've just come home. it's 1:53 am.

may 31, 2007! so long ago. and it was such a sweet feeling, such a sweet time. I hardly know what's going on, or what to do, or think, or feel. what can I say? I love David. I still want to see him. it still felt good to be near him today. When I hugged him, when he leaned back against me, I felt like I could finally breathe. I didn't want to let go. but David isn't David. he isn't the same person. even he says, he's empty. I don't feel so far from empty myself. how can two half-alive people love one another? what can I say? what can I do? I feel... unlaced.


From the seven-month mark of our relationship.

Well, we broke up today. Or are taking a break. To be technical, we are going to "try not being a couple for a while." I haven't had time to process this yet.

"Hope is a tattered flag."

I saw an article the other day that said that the "you" presented by your facebook profile was "the real you." In some small way, that gives me hope. I mean, obviously the markers they were using were fairly shallow, and for lots of other reasons their assertion isn't as simple and straightforward and true as they'd like to present on the surface. Obviously, as was pointed out near the end of the article, it's only "the real you" in a shallower sense--there are parts of a person that won't show up on a social networking page, and there are parts that you wouldn't see until you've known someone a while. But even though it's just a silly little article and a silly little idea, it gives me comfort to have any reason to really believe that the me I want to be, the me that is happy and excited and loving and upbeat, is a me that really exists, and not just a dream.



"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."
Anne Lamott

I am really not a fan of those moments that come after you've been thinking for a while that things were ok, or at least livable, and then all of the sudden you realize, or remember, that your entire world is crumbling to dust all around you.

I love Ok Go.

Did I mention that? That I love Ok Go? Ok Go makes me feel love. Observe:


OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.



Also, here is all of the already-planned stuff I am trying to do in the upcoming month.75, in chronological order (life gets so much more busy, come springtime):

Princess and the Frog/Invictus with the family at the local second run theater
Thin Mint buying or 'thin mint' making w/Kelly
Joco/They Might Be Giants show w/John
Christina's birthday party in DC
Kelly's birthday
something for Sara's birthday, if possible
Easter (April, weekend 1)
staff retreat (April, weekend 2)
Ian's baptism in upstate NY (April, weekend 3)
Festival International de Louisiane (April, week/weekend 4. This one might be a stretch.)

In May/early June:
my birthday
Susannah's birthday
Chloe's birthday
bridesmaid day trip to King's Dominion/Barenaked Ladies concert
rehearsal dinner
wedding
helping David move, I'm sure
David's birthday
work on weekdays, Camp on weekends. Probably.

Holy crap.

Things

I haven't felt like writing lately (obviously), but I've been doing alright for the most part. Feeling fairly distant with regards to most of my relationships, but I've been hanging out with Kelly a fair amount, and that's nice. Still trying to finish this calendar. I've started two poems in the past two days (after none for quite some time), but I don't think either is finished. Finishing anything doesn't seem to be my forte lately. I've also been looking for houses/townhouses/apartments to rent, though I can't afford one on my own, and Kelly (my most probable roommate) isn't really looking for more work until after the summer. I wouldn't want to either, in her shoes. Jr's still working on getting on his feet and getting more hours. Who knows. We'll see. It's bleary, dreary, raining outside. I think I'll take a nap.