David and I spoke last night, for once. I was walking the dog during most of it. Sometimes, for moments things felt almost normal again, almost good. Then I'd just start crying. He was asking me questions and such, what I thought and how I felt about thus and so, mostly related to us before, or now, or our compatibility. Sometimes just talking about what's been going on. It seemed though as if all of his feelings on these subjects amounted to "I miss you sometimes, and I still find you attractive, and you're a great girl.. but I just don't love you anymore."
Says he, in response to "how have you been doing?":
"I've been doing ok, pretty good. Sometimes awesome. I feel confident that we'd be better off with other people."
So in addition to some crying during this hourlong conversation, which may have been quiet enough that he didn't know but it's hard to say, I pulled a pillow over my head and wailed and sobbed for a little while after hanging up. It's been six months. Six months, and I still have weeks at a stretch where I can't stand the thought of letting him go without beginning to disintegrate. He's frustrated that we can't hang out as friends.
Showing posts with label awesome boyfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awesome boyfriend. Show all posts
Friday, September 3, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Really, nothing has changed in my mind's image of me and David except for the colors and the focus. I am the same person and he is the same person, and I still love him, but what I see changes all the time. Largely it changes in the same ways it did while we were together, though I now have a slightly different perspective. Different parts of the picture come into focus or fade out at different times; different colors are highlighted or dulled. Sometimes I can easily see that we aren't very similar, aren't particularly compatible, don't want the same things. Sometimes I see these things and accept that they mean that we probably aren't the best matches for each other. Sometimes I see them and I feel like they don't matter--like I love him enough to work with and around and through our differences. Sometimes I can hardly see our differences at all. Sometimes I don't see anything, and when I think that we might never be together again, I can hardly stand it. Last night I could hardly breathe until I let that door close again.
Remembering the way his cheek felt against mine as I hugged him and he hugged me, or the angle and warmth of his back and shoulders when he napped on his side, and their height as I reached over them, and the way he once held my hand beneath his chest as he drifted off is like a knife sometimes. The hair and skin over the hardness of his shins. His tree climbing, his dirty feet, his water in juice bottles. All those philosophy books and Monk seasons, and his banjo playing, his laughter, his love for animals and for me. His love for his family. His knowledge about so many things. The way he drives his car, with forgiveness and determination and acceptance and affection. How can I leave those things?
I had hoped that breaking up or taking a break would bring clarity, or at least peace. I guess, in terms of clarity, that the dust in the water has settled a little, but I wouldn't call things "clear." And I only have peace when I'm thinking of other things.
The air of the spring is intoxicating.There is a smell of warm air and another of warm dirt, of hot dirt, of wet dirt. There's a smell of streams and a smell of trees and a smell inside a house with open windows, and in the spring they all swim through everything. Yesterday as I drove to church a part of the road was covered in a swirling carpet of white petals that had fallen from the blossoming trees along the road. I suspect that something similar was the inspiration behind the "dryads" of the new Narnia movies, though I must say that the real thing is far superior.
I have had so much to say, but I keep forgetting so many things before I can write them down.
edit:
I left this unfinished and un-posted for several hours, and there was a spring rain--the kind where the air turns translucent pink-orange and the drops fall lightly and widely spaced onto the new leaves and buds and petals, onto the blanket of treelove pollen, into the windows we left open in the beautifully hot air. And I tell you again, there is no smell better than damp spring dirt smell. If you don't agree, you have to at least admit that it is solidly in the top ten smells ever created. I took pictures.
Remembering the way his cheek felt against mine as I hugged him and he hugged me, or the angle and warmth of his back and shoulders when he napped on his side, and their height as I reached over them, and the way he once held my hand beneath his chest as he drifted off is like a knife sometimes. The hair and skin over the hardness of his shins. His tree climbing, his dirty feet, his water in juice bottles. All those philosophy books and Monk seasons, and his banjo playing, his laughter, his love for animals and for me. His love for his family. His knowledge about so many things. The way he drives his car, with forgiveness and determination and acceptance and affection. How can I leave those things?
I had hoped that breaking up or taking a break would bring clarity, or at least peace. I guess, in terms of clarity, that the dust in the water has settled a little, but I wouldn't call things "clear." And I only have peace when I'm thinking of other things.
The air of the spring is intoxicating.There is a smell of warm air and another of warm dirt, of hot dirt, of wet dirt. There's a smell of streams and a smell of trees and a smell inside a house with open windows, and in the spring they all swim through everything. Yesterday as I drove to church a part of the road was covered in a swirling carpet of white petals that had fallen from the blossoming trees along the road. I suspect that something similar was the inspiration behind the "dryads" of the new Narnia movies, though I must say that the real thing is far superior.
I have had so much to say, but I keep forgetting so many things before I can write them down.
edit:
I left this unfinished and un-posted for several hours, and there was a spring rain--the kind where the air turns translucent pink-orange and the drops fall lightly and widely spaced onto the new leaves and buds and petals, onto the blanket of treelove pollen, into the windows we left open in the beautifully hot air. And I tell you again, there is no smell better than damp spring dirt smell. If you don't agree, you have to at least admit that it is solidly in the top ten smells ever created. I took pictures.
This is from this afternoon, before the rain:
And this is the spring rain sky.
Showered flowers (which are prettier in larger sizes):
And sweet Faith, who doesn't love the rain as much as I do.
(I promise I didn't wear those shoes all day yesterday or all day today. I just slipped them on to close the car windows and take pictures. Honest.)
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday.
Ok, first things first:
Now on to other business.
- My chapstick fell the other day from my bedside cabinet onto (ostensibly) the floor, but seems to be somehow hiding itself. Since I don't feel like moving all the boxes of stuff that are under there, I guess I'll save it for when I run out of this other tube that I stole from Chloe yesterday. Thumbs up for being the only one in the house that likes Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm.
-I bought this really cool necklace at the Maple Festival, but I didn't mention it because I was too busy moping. If I end up finally putting my pictures on my computer in a minute like I plan to, I will show you what it looks like. It's a "hand-painted Russian pendant." I'm not quite sure what makes it "Russian," as I'm fairly sure that the odds of finding an imported Russian work of art at a craft booth in Highland County, Va are pretty low. I liked it though, and it was fairly cheap.
-I like the colors I am wearing today: yellow "Cheerios" t-shirt, purple zip-up hoodie, orange baseball cap, blue jeans. It's possible I will put up a picture of that too, because I am into pictures right now.
-David seems to be doing better. That is, he seems to have a little bit of energy, and some things to say. The downside of that, of course, is that now our breakup is starting to hurt for him. I think I've sort of closed myself off to it again, for the most part. Just not thinking about it much, you know? When I do, of course, it's sad. Speaking of David, I'm trying to decide whether to go up to RMA to hang out with him and some other people tomorrow night. I'd like to go; I miss everyone and I'm not sure I'll get another chance, really, to see these people together. On the other hand, I'm not sure how I'd react to hanging out with David, especially with the possibility of there being alcohol involved. I just don't know how to handle myself yet, I guess, and I don't particularly want another meltdown. Argh. I don't know.
-I am thinking of trying to make frozen yogurt this weekend. I was hoping to do this with my mentee, and she seemed amenable to the idea, but she still has not told me when she's free. I guess there's still some time. Anyway, it shouldn't be too hard as long as I can find all the pieces of the ice cream maker. I mean, you put yogurt in, you turn the handle. How far wrong can you go? I feel like it would still taste good even if I didn't add anything at all. This project inspired by Sweetgreen.
-I smile (read: grin like an idiot out of nowhere) every single time I think about Festival International. I am so excited.
-I had a dream last night that some guy (who seemed to be a combination of a guy I knew in highschool and a guy who works at the bank near my job) wanted to take me on a date or something, and I kept crying that I was not a good person to date right now, that I'd just come out of a really long relationship, that I was in no shape to be starting another. I guess he followed me or something, or maybe I reluctantly gave in? I don't remember there actually being any sort of date, but sometime later a woman who I think was Mrs. Duggar gave one or both of us a talking to about how the whole thing was a bad idea. I remember thinking she was great, but I've forgotten pretty much everything else.
-It was Zachary's sixth birthday today, so we got to go have dinner with Holly and Brian and the kids, who honestly do look older every time I see them. Got some pictures of that too. My aunt Cary was excited about the shad roe we have in at work, and was planning to come get some before we opened until I remembered that we probably won't have any until noon. So I'll give her a call then. Whoops.
-Spring is so wonderful. If you're in anything but a deep depression, you just can't help from grinning on the day that it is finally so warm that you have to drive with both windows fully open. And then the light turns green, and that song comes on the radio, and you're soaring. The buds have been on the trees for a few days, but last night I noticed that they've grown enough to change the silhouettes of the branches against the night sky. Today the blossoms were out, pink, purple, and white, and the taller trees looked like someone had spray painted them with one pass of neon green. Forgive the urbanity (using the archaic definition) of the metaphor.
Now on to other business.
- My chapstick fell the other day from my bedside cabinet onto (ostensibly) the floor, but seems to be somehow hiding itself. Since I don't feel like moving all the boxes of stuff that are under there, I guess I'll save it for when I run out of this other tube that I stole from Chloe yesterday. Thumbs up for being the only one in the house that likes Burt's Bees Honey Lip Balm.
-I bought this really cool necklace at the Maple Festival, but I didn't mention it because I was too busy moping. If I end up finally putting my pictures on my computer in a minute like I plan to, I will show you what it looks like. It's a "hand-painted Russian pendant." I'm not quite sure what makes it "Russian," as I'm fairly sure that the odds of finding an imported Russian work of art at a craft booth in Highland County, Va are pretty low. I liked it though, and it was fairly cheap.
-I like the colors I am wearing today: yellow "Cheerios" t-shirt, purple zip-up hoodie, orange baseball cap, blue jeans. It's possible I will put up a picture of that too, because I am into pictures right now.
-David seems to be doing better. That is, he seems to have a little bit of energy, and some things to say. The downside of that, of course, is that now our breakup is starting to hurt for him. I think I've sort of closed myself off to it again, for the most part. Just not thinking about it much, you know? When I do, of course, it's sad. Speaking of David, I'm trying to decide whether to go up to RMA to hang out with him and some other people tomorrow night. I'd like to go; I miss everyone and I'm not sure I'll get another chance, really, to see these people together. On the other hand, I'm not sure how I'd react to hanging out with David, especially with the possibility of there being alcohol involved. I just don't know how to handle myself yet, I guess, and I don't particularly want another meltdown. Argh. I don't know.
-I am thinking of trying to make frozen yogurt this weekend. I was hoping to do this with my mentee, and she seemed amenable to the idea, but she still has not told me when she's free. I guess there's still some time. Anyway, it shouldn't be too hard as long as I can find all the pieces of the ice cream maker. I mean, you put yogurt in, you turn the handle. How far wrong can you go? I feel like it would still taste good even if I didn't add anything at all. This project inspired by Sweetgreen.
-I smile (read: grin like an idiot out of nowhere) every single time I think about Festival International. I am so excited.
-I had a dream last night that some guy (who seemed to be a combination of a guy I knew in highschool and a guy who works at the bank near my job) wanted to take me on a date or something, and I kept crying that I was not a good person to date right now, that I'd just come out of a really long relationship, that I was in no shape to be starting another. I guess he followed me or something, or maybe I reluctantly gave in? I don't remember there actually being any sort of date, but sometime later a woman who I think was Mrs. Duggar gave one or both of us a talking to about how the whole thing was a bad idea. I remember thinking she was great, but I've forgotten pretty much everything else.
-It was Zachary's sixth birthday today, so we got to go have dinner with Holly and Brian and the kids, who honestly do look older every time I see them. Got some pictures of that too. My aunt Cary was excited about the shad roe we have in at work, and was planning to come get some before we opened until I remembered that we probably won't have any until noon. So I'll give her a call then. Whoops.
-Spring is so wonderful. If you're in anything but a deep depression, you just can't help from grinning on the day that it is finally so warm that you have to drive with both windows fully open. And then the light turns green, and that song comes on the radio, and you're soaring. The buds have been on the trees for a few days, but last night I noticed that they've grown enough to change the silhouettes of the branches against the night sky. Today the blossoms were out, pink, purple, and white, and the taller trees looked like someone had spray painted them with one pass of neon green. Forgive the urbanity (using the archaic definition) of the metaphor.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sometimes, there's something very restful about the darkness. Obviously most people prefer to sleep in the dark, but this is different. There is a profound sense of relief, or release, as soon as I walk into a darkened room. Yesterday I retreated to my bed, and curled up in the dark almost as soon as the sun went down. I sat in the dark and cried into my tea. And what a miracle is tea! There's something magic about a cup that's brewed and brought out of love, something medicinal and soothing when you're hurting. A blessing in the water.
I have been sad and crying a lot, but as breakups go, I guess this is the best I could have asked for--in fact, this is exactly the breakup that I did ask for. I prayed over and over, so many times, that if David and I were to break up, either he would do it, or it would be something we both realized needed to happen. I got both wishes, and I am thankful, but I wish he weren't in such pain. Or rather, I wish he weren't so withdrawn and empty and so numb to everything that this hardly even feels different to him. Maybe those are mutually exclusive, but I'd almost wish him sadness over this half-alive, autopilot existence he's been leading these past two months or so.
Last night the moon was half full, and tilted at a crazy angle, looking like all the center might spill out into space.
A lot of people have been very supportive, but I am so lonely.
I have been sad and crying a lot, but as breakups go, I guess this is the best I could have asked for--in fact, this is exactly the breakup that I did ask for. I prayed over and over, so many times, that if David and I were to break up, either he would do it, or it would be something we both realized needed to happen. I got both wishes, and I am thankful, but I wish he weren't in such pain. Or rather, I wish he weren't so withdrawn and empty and so numb to everything that this hardly even feels different to him. Maybe those are mutually exclusive, but I'd almost wish him sadness over this half-alive, autopilot existence he's been leading these past two months or so.
Last night the moon was half full, and tilted at a crazy angle, looking like all the center might spill out into space.
A lot of people have been very supportive, but I am so lonely.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What now?
well it's my first single night since may 31, 2007. I went to kelly's house and read teen romance, let maggie curl my hair, dipped crackers in chocolate, and didn't think about anything important. I've just come home. it's 1:53 am.
may 31, 2007! so long ago. and it was such a sweet feeling, such a sweet time. I hardly know what's going on, or what to do, or think, or feel. what can I say? I love David. I still want to see him. it still felt good to be near him today. When I hugged him, when he leaned back against me, I felt like I could finally breathe. I didn't want to let go. but David isn't David. he isn't the same person. even he says, he's empty. I don't feel so far from empty myself. how can two half-alive people love one another? what can I say? what can I do? I feel... unlaced.
From the seven-month mark of our relationship.
may 31, 2007! so long ago. and it was such a sweet feeling, such a sweet time. I hardly know what's going on, or what to do, or think, or feel. what can I say? I love David. I still want to see him. it still felt good to be near him today. When I hugged him, when he leaned back against me, I felt like I could finally breathe. I didn't want to let go. but David isn't David. he isn't the same person. even he says, he's empty. I don't feel so far from empty myself. how can two half-alive people love one another? what can I say? what can I do? I feel... unlaced.
From the seven-month mark of our relationship.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Friends, movies, books
I felt a little distant yesterday, but the day was still alright. Victoria came over after I got off work, and I was so glad to see her. So glad she wanted to come over! I mean, we are friends and we have been for a while--but mainly we're friends at Camp. And sometimes it's difficult to tell with friends from wherever whether they're people who actually want to be actual friends, minus the location. Am I making sense? I'm guilty of it too. For instance, there's a girl with whom I went to college who is a bit odd, very sweet, very joyful and funny. I do like her, but for some reason when she tried to become closer friends with me around graduation time, I balked a little bit. I don't know why. I felt bad about it, but I just wasn't interested. We've talked a bit lately though, and I hope I can undo any damage I might have caused with my coldness.
Back to Victoria. She's pretty fantastic, but she has, you know, other friends and social engagements. In other words, she had a life before we were friends, and here I am trying to squeeze my way in. As someone who has had (for the most part) the same group of close friends since early elementary school, that always makes me a little self-conscious. I am always looking for telltale signs of whether whatever friendship I'm feeling nervous about is a friendship of convenience, rather than one that matters more in the long run. So my point in all of this is that when I texted* Victoria the other day to tell her I hadn't realized she was still in town, the fact that she immediately responded with "yes...why yes I am. would you care to get together on wednesday?" did a lot for, I dunno, my positive feelings about our friendship. It's hard to write about relationship insecurity without feeling like a complete loser, despite having no shortage of friends. It seems like no one talks (openly, at least) about that sort of thing, so it's hard to tell for sure whether other people have the same worries. But I do sometimes, so there it is.
Back to task. Recording the day: both Victoria and I pretty much suck at coming up with things to do, so we went to see The Princess and the Frog**, which I had seen (with Ami!) but she had not. The verdict: still good. Especially the soundtrack, which is really no surprise considering that it was written by Randy Newman***.
She went home after the movie, and shortly thereafter my mom came home, and then my sister and dad. Have I mentioned that my mom is a wizard in the kitchen? Just before Chloe walked in the was saying how she didn't have any idea what we were going to do for dinner. Maybe 20 minutes later we were eating vegetables, beer-boiled shrimp with garlic butter, fresh salad, homemade (oven-baked) fries, and a few leftover extras.
I was tired and went to bed (if not sleep) early--a feat in itself--and started Widdershins! (Sara lent me this book months ago, when we were all in PA for Susannah's bridal party weekend thing.) I am proud to say that although it was good, I did not read it for hours and hours. I was greatly aided by the fact that it's written in sections, rather than just chapters. If it's just chapters I'll finish one, then look at the clock. "Oh, it's only 1:25 am?" Then I'll count the pages in the next chapter. "Only 20 pages? No problem. I'll just read a few more minutes."
It can be a bit of an issue.
*Ok seriously Firefox, is "texted" still not in the dictionary?
**And we got popcorn, and my tongue and lower lip are STILL feeling weird from the salt. That is intense. And disgusting. Possibly this is all exacerbated by the fact that I had some smoked whitefish salad yesterday, which is also very salty. I've probably about covered my sodium intake for the next week and a half. Disgusting. I am disgusted.
***Poor David is so patient. Last night on the phone I said, "did I tell you that the soundtrack was by Randy Newman?" He responded, ever so gently, with "Yeah, I mentioned that several times. I said I wanted to see it because Randy Newman did the soundtrack. I mean, it also looks good..."
This happens all the time. He is so nice about it. My goal is to someday find a way to remember more than 50% of what I hear.
Back to Victoria. She's pretty fantastic, but she has, you know, other friends and social engagements. In other words, she had a life before we were friends, and here I am trying to squeeze my way in. As someone who has had (for the most part) the same group of close friends since early elementary school, that always makes me a little self-conscious. I am always looking for telltale signs of whether whatever friendship I'm feeling nervous about is a friendship of convenience, rather than one that matters more in the long run. So my point in all of this is that when I texted* Victoria the other day to tell her I hadn't realized she was still in town, the fact that she immediately responded with "yes...why yes I am. would you care to get together on wednesday?" did a lot for, I dunno, my positive feelings about our friendship. It's hard to write about relationship insecurity without feeling like a complete loser, despite having no shortage of friends. It seems like no one talks (openly, at least) about that sort of thing, so it's hard to tell for sure whether other people have the same worries. But I do sometimes, so there it is.
Back to task. Recording the day: both Victoria and I pretty much suck at coming up with things to do, so we went to see The Princess and the Frog**, which I had seen (with Ami!) but she had not. The verdict: still good. Especially the soundtrack, which is really no surprise considering that it was written by Randy Newman***.
She went home after the movie, and shortly thereafter my mom came home, and then my sister and dad. Have I mentioned that my mom is a wizard in the kitchen? Just before Chloe walked in the was saying how she didn't have any idea what we were going to do for dinner. Maybe 20 minutes later we were eating vegetables, beer-boiled shrimp with garlic butter, fresh salad, homemade (oven-baked) fries, and a few leftover extras.
I was tired and went to bed (if not sleep) early--a feat in itself--and started Widdershins! (Sara lent me this book months ago, when we were all in PA for Susannah's bridal party weekend thing.) I am proud to say that although it was good, I did not read it for hours and hours. I was greatly aided by the fact that it's written in sections, rather than just chapters. If it's just chapters I'll finish one, then look at the clock. "Oh, it's only 1:25 am?" Then I'll count the pages in the next chapter. "Only 20 pages? No problem. I'll just read a few more minutes."
It can be a bit of an issue.
*Ok seriously Firefox, is "texted" still not in the dictionary?
**And we got popcorn, and my tongue and lower lip are STILL feeling weird from the salt. That is intense. And disgusting. Possibly this is all exacerbated by the fact that I had some smoked whitefish salad yesterday, which is also very salty. I've probably about covered my sodium intake for the next week and a half. Disgusting. I am disgusted.
***Poor David is so patient. Last night on the phone I said, "did I tell you that the soundtrack was by Randy Newman?" He responded, ever so gently, with "Yeah, I mentioned that several times. I said I wanted to see it because Randy Newman did the soundtrack. I mean, it also looks good..."
This happens all the time. He is so nice about it. My goal is to someday find a way to remember more than 50% of what I hear.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Who ever thought I'd look back fondly?
I miss that boy.
Work today was decent. Jr stopped by on his way to an interview nearby--I hope he gets the job. He came by again when I got off work and came over for a little while. Kelly was still at my house cleaning up, so we all hung out for a bit. Ate some ramen. I was so tired (though not as tired as Kelly, who hasn't been able to sleep more than a few hours a night lately) that I eventually just went and took a nap while they were downstairs. They finished up and said goodbye and went home. I hope Kelly can get some sleep tonight.
No one in my family was home until 7 or 7:30, so I napped a while, checked email and did sit-ups in the living room, then went and put together a bed frame that's been sitting in Jack's old room for a week or so now. We don't have a mattress to put on it yet, but still, pretty cool.
Dinner was chili/split pea soup (mixed leftovers and surprisingly good) over steamed kale. Delicious. We finished eating around 9:50, which I found pretty funny.
Clearly I don't have much to say--just wanted to write something I guess. I'm still working at maintaining a positive attitude/outlook, which is easier some moments than others. It's still hard for me to handle having a job where I don't feel like I'm doing anything that matters. Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself. Maybe it's just hard for me to handle having a job that I have to shape my life around. I've never been very enthusiastic about time commitments. Lately I've woken up angry or annoyed every day, which stinks, obviously. It's just a hurdle to jump, first thing in the morning. It helps a little though when I know that David's up too, and I can text him good morning. Part of me wishes (the completely insane part?) that I were back at R-MA in the mornings, dragging myself out of bed, hugging David, waking the kids up, going to breakfast, turning in the dorm report, going back to sleep. I mean, I definitely miss the going back to sleep part, but it's just weird for me to be missing the dorm all of the sudden. Didn't I hate it? Wasn't I miserable? I guess there were a lot of moments that I wasn't; but the unhappiness stood out so strongly that it was all I saw, and still all I could see until just a few days ago. Now I'm remembering the sweet moments--moments with David, time spent cleaning my apartment, the laughter and silliness of children, the kind faces I saw every morning in the cafeteria. Even just the general peace or satisfaction or whatever it is that I feel when I can work with or be around children. I hadn't thought that it was present there, but now that I'm gone and missing it I see that it was. I miss being around kids so much that I'm nearly tearing up just writing it.
David: move here. (June: hurry up and arrive so David can move here!)
*Edit: do my sentences seem incredibly choppy to anyone else, or is it just me? Reading back over what I just wrote feels like trying to drive home in 5:00 traffic, but when I went back to fix it I didn't see much that I can do. Is this because I'm tired or something? (Humor me and say yes.)
Work today was decent. Jr stopped by on his way to an interview nearby--I hope he gets the job. He came by again when I got off work and came over for a little while. Kelly was still at my house cleaning up, so we all hung out for a bit. Ate some ramen. I was so tired (though not as tired as Kelly, who hasn't been able to sleep more than a few hours a night lately) that I eventually just went and took a nap while they were downstairs. They finished up and said goodbye and went home. I hope Kelly can get some sleep tonight.
No one in my family was home until 7 or 7:30, so I napped a while, checked email and did sit-ups in the living room, then went and put together a bed frame that's been sitting in Jack's old room for a week or so now. We don't have a mattress to put on it yet, but still, pretty cool.
Dinner was chili/split pea soup (mixed leftovers and surprisingly good) over steamed kale. Delicious. We finished eating around 9:50, which I found pretty funny.
Clearly I don't have much to say--just wanted to write something I guess. I'm still working at maintaining a positive attitude/outlook, which is easier some moments than others. It's still hard for me to handle having a job where I don't feel like I'm doing anything that matters. Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself. Maybe it's just hard for me to handle having a job that I have to shape my life around. I've never been very enthusiastic about time commitments. Lately I've woken up angry or annoyed every day, which stinks, obviously. It's just a hurdle to jump, first thing in the morning. It helps a little though when I know that David's up too, and I can text him good morning. Part of me wishes (the completely insane part?) that I were back at R-MA in the mornings, dragging myself out of bed, hugging David, waking the kids up, going to breakfast, turning in the dorm report, going back to sleep. I mean, I definitely miss the going back to sleep part, but it's just weird for me to be missing the dorm all of the sudden. Didn't I hate it? Wasn't I miserable? I guess there were a lot of moments that I wasn't; but the unhappiness stood out so strongly that it was all I saw, and still all I could see until just a few days ago. Now I'm remembering the sweet moments--moments with David, time spent cleaning my apartment, the laughter and silliness of children, the kind faces I saw every morning in the cafeteria. Even just the general peace or satisfaction or whatever it is that I feel when I can work with or be around children. I hadn't thought that it was present there, but now that I'm gone and missing it I see that it was. I miss being around kids so much that I'm nearly tearing up just writing it.
David: move here. (June: hurry up and arrive so David can move here!)
*Edit: do my sentences seem incredibly choppy to anyone else, or is it just me? Reading back over what I just wrote feels like trying to drive home in 5:00 traffic, but when I went back to fix it I didn't see much that I can do. Is this because I'm tired or something? (Humor me and say yes.)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Basketball weekend pt 2.
Little Women always makes me cry.
Did I mention the VCU game already? It was alright. I didn't actually pay attention to the game at all. We all got there, and then Tim got there! I had forgotten he was back in the country! And then Jesse came too! It was so great to see them. Then I was hungry and, though there was no re-entry allowed, Jenny had extra tickets. So China and Arnita and I went to Subway, and met Taylor (another camper) there. The game ended later and I got home later than I had expected, but I finally got out of town around 8.
Drove to Front Royal (known affectionately by those with addictions to nicknames as "Froro") Saturday night, and we didn't get off to a great start. I had been sort of fighting off negativity for a few days, and David was struck with it all at once, so we found ourselves both suddenly rather low and negative.
We made it through though, and Sunday we got up at 9 and drove to Alexandria to catch the metro into DC and watch the Wizards game. We had planned to get there an hour early and get some autographs, but it didn't work out. We thought that leaving at 10 would get us there by 12, but it didn't. We barely made it to the game. The game was really a good one (though the Wizards lost by 5), but David was very disappointed over the autographs. I hope he gets a chance to get them someday.
From the game we went go the Winchester Red Lobster for dinner, and that was alright. I mean, going to the game and riding the metro and having dinner with David were great. It's just that the "2 people for $30" menu at Red Lobster leaves something to be desired.
Little Women is making me cry again. The night wind blew, and Beth passed gently away.
Sunday night we watched "Happy Texas," which Suzanne lent me a week or two ago, and it was really good. Much better than I expected. In fact, I may have to buy a few copies to give to people.
David was still feeling sad though, and had kind of a rough evening. We talked a lot and played with the cats some and went to bed. This morning he woke me but I didn't get up for breakfast; I slept until the urchins were in classes, then got up and went over to nap until 10:30. It was nice. It was hard to leave for work in Richmond. I don't like leaving him.
Little Women: again making me emotional. Such a good movie.
Noticed while watching Little Women: there is something very...luscious? Romantic? Ah. Very sensual about eating fruit. Particularly orange sections.
Did I mention the VCU game already? It was alright. I didn't actually pay attention to the game at all. We all got there, and then Tim got there! I had forgotten he was back in the country! And then Jesse came too! It was so great to see them. Then I was hungry and, though there was no re-entry allowed, Jenny had extra tickets. So China and Arnita and I went to Subway, and met Taylor (another camper) there. The game ended later and I got home later than I had expected, but I finally got out of town around 8.
Drove to Front Royal (known affectionately by those with addictions to nicknames as "Froro") Saturday night, and we didn't get off to a great start. I had been sort of fighting off negativity for a few days, and David was struck with it all at once, so we found ourselves both suddenly rather low and negative.
We made it through though, and Sunday we got up at 9 and drove to Alexandria to catch the metro into DC and watch the Wizards game. We had planned to get there an hour early and get some autographs, but it didn't work out. We thought that leaving at 10 would get us there by 12, but it didn't. We barely made it to the game. The game was really a good one (though the Wizards lost by 5), but David was very disappointed over the autographs. I hope he gets a chance to get them someday.
From the game we went go the Winchester Red Lobster for dinner, and that was alright. I mean, going to the game and riding the metro and having dinner with David were great. It's just that the "2 people for $30" menu at Red Lobster leaves something to be desired.
Little Women is making me cry again. The night wind blew, and Beth passed gently away.
Sunday night we watched "Happy Texas," which Suzanne lent me a week or two ago, and it was really good. Much better than I expected. In fact, I may have to buy a few copies to give to people.
David was still feeling sad though, and had kind of a rough evening. We talked a lot and played with the cats some and went to bed. This morning he woke me but I didn't get up for breakfast; I slept until the urchins were in classes, then got up and went over to nap until 10:30. It was nice. It was hard to leave for work in Richmond. I don't like leaving him.
Little Women: again making me emotional. Such a good movie.
Noticed while watching Little Women: there is something very...luscious? Romantic? Ah. Very sensual about eating fruit. Particularly orange sections.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Out of Order; Basketball Weekend
Car fixed! (Well not mine, but one that I can drive. With heat!)
Pride & Prejudice (movie, 2005).
Dinner: venison sandwiches, broiled asparagus.
Work: she-crab soup, tax paperwork.
This weekend: a bunch of basketball, and going to visit David!
Also, just found this on pretty much the best website ever, Graphjam.
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Pride & Prejudice (movie, 2005).
Dinner: venison sandwiches, broiled asparagus.
Work: she-crab soup, tax paperwork.
This weekend: a bunch of basketball, and going to visit David!
Also, just found this on pretty much the best website ever, Graphjam.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Today: pretty good.
Side note: (can it count as a side note if it's the first thing I write?) I think/am pretty sure that I'm actually afraid to say that I've had a good or really good or awesome (or whatever) day. I mean, I have an extremely strong aversion to it--strong enough that I think it must be fear. Maybe I'm afraid I'll jinx it. Anyway.
Accomplishments today, aside from/related to/in addition to? having a--dare I say it?--really good* day!Oh, it was. I mean, I woke up a little early (I don't know how early--I decided that checking my clock would only piss me off) to my brother's little dog barking outside. She sleeps over rather often, and evidently she'd forced my poor mother to take her out. Generally I have a difficult time recovering from a "how was your day" setback like an unnecessarily early wakeup, but I did it! I was having a little bit of an attitude problem, but I decided to text "good morning!" to David anyway. And he texted back in Spanish, which I pretty much always love for some reason, and suddenly I was smiling again. (Crisis averted!)
Went to work, helped set up display cases and so on, then got to go to 7-11 for hot chocolate/coffee (with hazelnut creamer--so delicious) and to the grocery store for some veggies to put out front. And hand lotion! I think, for some reason, my boss doesn't want to argue with me even when I'm not really trying to argue for things. So I mentioned that he'd said we used to have lotion and that we don't now, and that maybe we could use some, and he didn't seem enthusiastic about it and I started to say it wasn't a big deal, and then he said something like, "Fine, get whatever you want." Anyway, Gold Bond lotion seems pretty great so far.
There wasn't much going on today at our little seafood store--not usually a lot of customers in the morning (and today was no exception), and not much cooking to do. So I made some crab dip and put it in the fridge, and then read my book ("Salt: A World History"**) for a while. When I'm reading I tend to force those around me to listen to interesting snippets from the text, so somehow I ended up talking to my co-worker, Colin, about salt I guess, and then about theoretical physics, cigarettes, guy/girl relationships ("why do guys/girls do [thing]?"), theology, books, and then beer. He's actually a pretty cool kid, and this makes me even more irritated that other people (or at least some others, maybe not all) at work tend to treat him like he's an idiot. I think it's an example of one person deciding that another is stupid, and then finding instances that support their beliefs. And then getting other people to agree with those beliefs. Not really ok when what you're supporting is your habit of belittling a perfectly nice and perfectly normal and reasonably intelligent 19 year old kid. Anyway, I like him. Like I said, he's nice and he's interested in theoretical physics, which is a fairly rare find. So. Accomplishment: socializing at work. And I ended up staying an hour late, making up for the time I lost yesterday leaving a half-hour early***.
After work I finally remembered to call my uncle Bud about the radiator in my car (did I mention how I had probably cracked it on Sunday?), and he didn't even chew me out about it, which was pretty fabulous. He said he hadn't been able to get out to look at it (as it is abandoned at a church near us but nowhere near him, really), but that I should go check it out and see if I could figure out where the water (that was the problem right there: the contents of my radiator consisted almost entirely of water, which, you may have noticed, tends to freeze when the temperature drops to 17 Fahrenheit.) had actually been leaking (read: pouring) out.
Sometimes I am a little embarrassed by my affection toward parenthesis.
I told Uncle Bud, ok, I have to stop at home first, but then I will go check on the engine and give you a call to let you know what I find out. I went home to find the number I needed to call to order new contacts (oh my goodness, finally), and lo and behold, there was Jack! His eyes looked a little red--I can't really see him crying, though I'm sure it's possible--and he was on the couch watching Man vs. Wild. I had never seen Man vs. Wild, and I feel like a whole new chapter in my life has opened up. I talked to Jack a little, watched a few episodes, collected packages and addresses so that I could ACTUALLY GET SOME THINGS MAILED (in case you're not aware, this is a really big deal for me), and then, wait for it, called Cynthia and asked her for new contacts. She is our backdoor neighbor, whom I used to see all the time, but whom I never see anymore. I've been meaning to call her for ages (I've been wearing this pair of contacts since September, and they've been seriously irritating my eyes all week--obviously this is a bad idea), but I haven't because, among other things, I was embarrassed to ask her for contacts when I hadn't been seeing her on a regular basis. Never mind the fact that her daughter and my sister, and her sister and my mom, are close friends, and I've known her for about 18 years. Ugh. So yeah, I finally called and it was great to talk to her, and my eye prescription is in her mailbox, and I'll have contacts shortly. Thank goodness. I'm wearing my glasses right now (a last resort) and I'm not a big fan.
^^^ Look at all those accomplishments today! And I'm not even finished!
AFTER that, my mom came home and we...watched some Man vs. Wild and ate some delicious delicious homemade black bean and turkey chili with cheddar cheese and arugula. Mmm. THEN I went to the post office and mailed a book (The Just-So Stories!) to a former camper (hopefully counselor this coming year) of mine--a kid named Sean who I've known since he was nine. He is such a sweet kid, and he's grown up so much. It's amazing to see. I bought this book for him in the summer and have been repeatedly forgetting to bring it to him when I see him, so finally I just wrapped it up and mailed it. Also mailed a cd of that one woman from American Idol (why can't I remember her name??) who sang "I Dreamed A Dream," from Les Miserables, so beautifully. My sister and I each bought my mom a copy for Christmas, so we decided to send the second to our friend Lorraine on Long Island. Mom and Chloe put it in an envelope and addressed it, and then it started kicking around the house, so I took it with me today.
Oh! Also! Today I discovered (via my boss) that they do make lahmacun in the United States! I mean, I guess it was obvious that someone made it somewhere on this side of the Atlantic, but I hadn't been able to find it. He says there's a place in Massachusetts (ok apparently I've never tried to spell that before. It was impossible. I gave up and used Firefox [Blogger?] spellcheck. And I'm not even a bad speller, usually!) that makes it. Not that helpful, and I'm not sure I buy it anyway because the places I've been in DC and NYC that make "lahmacun" made a pretty sorry excuse for it, if you ask me. But still maybe worth a try someday. He said though that lahmacun isn't actually of Turkish origin (I was a little offended by that, which I find sort of funny)--that it's actually Armenian (or something). There's a Mediterranean bakery near where I work, and he said that I should try there, though their version (the Armenian, or possibly Lebanese...or something...) version is a little different (plus cinnamon, for example, and minus tomatoes, which is a shame) and is called "fatayer," which would be spelled "fatayi" in Turkish I think. (Fuh-tie-yuh.) I hope they have it. And I hope it's good.
Back to the timeline: after the post office, Mom went with me to check in my car, and she brought Miley. I'm not sure why, as she seemed pretty aggravated with Miley at the time. That dog is pretty entertaining in the car. Anyway we went, and there didn't seem to be an actual crack in my radiator from what I could tell, which is of course a plus. We'd been hoping that the leak would have come from the place where we'd linked two hoses to bypass the heater core earlier in the fall, but it wasn't. Not as much of a plus. I put some radiator fluid in and turned on the car (okay, vice versa, really), and we looked to see where things leaked out. Here, as I said, things didn't leak out. They poured out, from somewhere underneath the engine casing, near where the air filter hose joined with the casing. Uncle Bud said (I think) that I might have blown a freeze (fuse?)...something. Box? Joint? And I don't know what that means exactly. (Come to think of it, I don't know what that means at all.) I asked, and he said that it would be a little more complicated to fix. I guess though that it's still less complicated (or at least cheaper) than a new radiator, so that's definitely good.
Tonight I looked up Action For Change, which my mom mentioned last night, and which seems pretty great. Unfortunately they want you to have prior experience with Initiatives of Change (their parent organization) programs, and I don't. I've heard of them because my godmother (not the one who had the party David couldn't attend; a different one. Don't ask me how I have two godmothers, because I have no idea.) is involved with them, but I don't have any actual experience with them. I emailed to see whether this could be remedied quickly, as the application deadline is March 1st. Guess I'll just cross my fingers, and then maybe write a letter about how they should accept me anyway. I think I'd really like to do it, because it's all about leadership training, and learning to find yourself and discipline yourself and learn to understand and interact with people of different faiths and cultures (the program is made up fo people from all over the world), and learn how to make a difference in the world and in your own community, and all of these are things I'd like to learn. I have tended to be pretty directionless of the the past several years--all I really know is that I want to be helpful in some way--and it would be fantastic to learn strategies and grow in confidence and experience. I guess we'll see whether that's where I'm meant to be next winter.
So a decent day, no? Tomorrow maybe I'll tackle the IRS. (Or maybe even tonight! Why not?)
Peach out, brothas.
*Another part of my issue with applying superlatives to my feelings: sometimes it feels a little dishonest, or something. Isn't that silly? But I feel like I need to mention that it wasn't only good--that there were not-that-great things that happened as well. I wouldn't want people thinking my day full of unadulterated pleasure when, in actuality, my eyes hurt a lot of the time, and I still owe a bunch of people/organizations money, and I'm not sure yet what the deal is with my car. Why are those things necessary to mention? Or I feel like I should point out that my moods, good or bad, usually last a few days. Sometimes longer. I think. Who knows? I don't judge time well. But dammit, today I feel good! And yesterday was pretty decent too, and the day before that was also downright good. Also: I am working on positive thinking, but obviously (can't you tell?) I've got some old habits I'm working on kicking to the curb.
**There's some really cool stuff in there! I mean, some pieces are pretty repetitive (for instance, the chapters and chapters, and chapters and chapters on salted fish and different processes for producing salt), but there's a lot on history and etymology and even ancient/old recipes, and on the whole it's pretty interesting. Today I read about the salt mine in Wieliczka, Poland where ancient miners carved everything out of salt. I know what you're thinking: duh, it's a salt mine. Of course everything is carved from salt. You don't understand. They've carved a ballroom, and an underground lake, and a chapel, and now (I think) even a spa down there, and everything in them is carved from rock salt. As in, the crystal chandelier in the ballroom is made of salt.
***For the funeral of my friend Johnny's grandfather. Luckily I found out about it just in time--the morning of. I hadn't seen Johnny in a while, and a few other classmates of ours were there too, and it was really nice to see them. Also, Johnny and Andrew (another classmate) have evidently just gone in on a boat together (don't ask me where the got the money; I have no idea. Parents, maybe? Not sure why they'd fund that, but whatever), and I have been vaguely offered a future ride on it, and they're talking about having a "Rejects" high school reunion party on the boat. Not that "rejects" would be a fitting title at all, particularly considering that the other two girls present for the conversation were pretty popular in high school, and Johnny was decently popular himself I think, but whatever. I'm pretty sure he's just referring to the fact that he tends to really dislike being around most of the people we went to school with.
Accomplishments today, aside from/related to/in addition to? having a--dare I say it?--really good* day!Oh, it was. I mean, I woke up a little early (I don't know how early--I decided that checking my clock would only piss me off) to my brother's little dog barking outside. She sleeps over rather often, and evidently she'd forced my poor mother to take her out. Generally I have a difficult time recovering from a "how was your day" setback like an unnecessarily early wakeup, but I did it! I was having a little bit of an attitude problem, but I decided to text "good morning!" to David anyway. And he texted back in Spanish, which I pretty much always love for some reason, and suddenly I was smiling again. (Crisis averted!)
Went to work, helped set up display cases and so on, then got to go to 7-11 for hot chocolate/coffee (with hazelnut creamer--so delicious) and to the grocery store for some veggies to put out front. And hand lotion! I think, for some reason, my boss doesn't want to argue with me even when I'm not really trying to argue for things. So I mentioned that he'd said we used to have lotion and that we don't now, and that maybe we could use some, and he didn't seem enthusiastic about it and I started to say it wasn't a big deal, and then he said something like, "Fine, get whatever you want." Anyway, Gold Bond lotion seems pretty great so far.
There wasn't much going on today at our little seafood store--not usually a lot of customers in the morning (and today was no exception), and not much cooking to do. So I made some crab dip and put it in the fridge, and then read my book ("Salt: A World History"**) for a while. When I'm reading I tend to force those around me to listen to interesting snippets from the text, so somehow I ended up talking to my co-worker, Colin, about salt I guess, and then about theoretical physics, cigarettes, guy/girl relationships ("why do guys/girls do [thing]?"), theology, books, and then beer. He's actually a pretty cool kid, and this makes me even more irritated that other people (or at least some others, maybe not all) at work tend to treat him like he's an idiot. I think it's an example of one person deciding that another is stupid, and then finding instances that support their beliefs. And then getting other people to agree with those beliefs. Not really ok when what you're supporting is your habit of belittling a perfectly nice and perfectly normal and reasonably intelligent 19 year old kid. Anyway, I like him. Like I said, he's nice and he's interested in theoretical physics, which is a fairly rare find. So. Accomplishment: socializing at work. And I ended up staying an hour late, making up for the time I lost yesterday leaving a half-hour early***.
After work I finally remembered to call my uncle Bud about the radiator in my car (did I mention how I had probably cracked it on Sunday?), and he didn't even chew me out about it, which was pretty fabulous. He said he hadn't been able to get out to look at it (as it is abandoned at a church near us but nowhere near him, really), but that I should go check it out and see if I could figure out where the water (that was the problem right there: the contents of my radiator consisted almost entirely of water, which, you may have noticed, tends to freeze when the temperature drops to 17 Fahrenheit.) had actually been leaking (read: pouring) out.
Sometimes I am a little embarrassed by my affection toward parenthesis.
I told Uncle Bud, ok, I have to stop at home first, but then I will go check on the engine and give you a call to let you know what I find out. I went home to find the number I needed to call to order new contacts (oh my goodness, finally), and lo and behold, there was Jack! His eyes looked a little red--I can't really see him crying, though I'm sure it's possible--and he was on the couch watching Man vs. Wild. I had never seen Man vs. Wild, and I feel like a whole new chapter in my life has opened up. I talked to Jack a little, watched a few episodes, collected packages and addresses so that I could ACTUALLY GET SOME THINGS MAILED (in case you're not aware, this is a really big deal for me), and then, wait for it, called Cynthia and asked her for new contacts. She is our backdoor neighbor, whom I used to see all the time, but whom I never see anymore. I've been meaning to call her for ages (I've been wearing this pair of contacts since September, and they've been seriously irritating my eyes all week--obviously this is a bad idea), but I haven't because, among other things, I was embarrassed to ask her for contacts when I hadn't been seeing her on a regular basis. Never mind the fact that her daughter and my sister, and her sister and my mom, are close friends, and I've known her for about 18 years. Ugh. So yeah, I finally called and it was great to talk to her, and my eye prescription is in her mailbox, and I'll have contacts shortly. Thank goodness. I'm wearing my glasses right now (a last resort) and I'm not a big fan.
^^^ Look at all those accomplishments today! And I'm not even finished!
AFTER that, my mom came home and we...watched some Man vs. Wild and ate some delicious delicious homemade black bean and turkey chili with cheddar cheese and arugula. Mmm. THEN I went to the post office and mailed a book (The Just-So Stories!) to a former camper (hopefully counselor this coming year) of mine--a kid named Sean who I've known since he was nine. He is such a sweet kid, and he's grown up so much. It's amazing to see. I bought this book for him in the summer and have been repeatedly forgetting to bring it to him when I see him, so finally I just wrapped it up and mailed it. Also mailed a cd of that one woman from American Idol (why can't I remember her name??) who sang "I Dreamed A Dream," from Les Miserables, so beautifully. My sister and I each bought my mom a copy for Christmas, so we decided to send the second to our friend Lorraine on Long Island. Mom and Chloe put it in an envelope and addressed it, and then it started kicking around the house, so I took it with me today.
Oh! Also! Today I discovered (via my boss) that they do make lahmacun in the United States! I mean, I guess it was obvious that someone made it somewhere on this side of the Atlantic, but I hadn't been able to find it. He says there's a place in Massachusetts (ok apparently I've never tried to spell that before. It was impossible. I gave up and used Firefox [Blogger?] spellcheck. And I'm not even a bad speller, usually!) that makes it. Not that helpful, and I'm not sure I buy it anyway because the places I've been in DC and NYC that make "lahmacun" made a pretty sorry excuse for it, if you ask me. But still maybe worth a try someday. He said though that lahmacun isn't actually of Turkish origin (I was a little offended by that, which I find sort of funny)--that it's actually Armenian (or something). There's a Mediterranean bakery near where I work, and he said that I should try there, though their version (the Armenian, or possibly Lebanese...or something...) version is a little different (plus cinnamon, for example, and minus tomatoes, which is a shame) and is called "fatayer," which would be spelled "fatayi" in Turkish I think. (Fuh-tie-yuh.) I hope they have it. And I hope it's good.
Back to the timeline: after the post office, Mom went with me to check in my car, and she brought Miley. I'm not sure why, as she seemed pretty aggravated with Miley at the time. That dog is pretty entertaining in the car. Anyway we went, and there didn't seem to be an actual crack in my radiator from what I could tell, which is of course a plus. We'd been hoping that the leak would have come from the place where we'd linked two hoses to bypass the heater core earlier in the fall, but it wasn't. Not as much of a plus. I put some radiator fluid in and turned on the car (okay, vice versa, really), and we looked to see where things leaked out. Here, as I said, things didn't leak out. They poured out, from somewhere underneath the engine casing, near where the air filter hose joined with the casing. Uncle Bud said (I think) that I might have blown a freeze (fuse?)...something. Box? Joint? And I don't know what that means exactly. (Come to think of it, I don't know what that means at all.) I asked, and he said that it would be a little more complicated to fix. I guess though that it's still less complicated (or at least cheaper) than a new radiator, so that's definitely good.
Tonight I looked up Action For Change, which my mom mentioned last night, and which seems pretty great. Unfortunately they want you to have prior experience with Initiatives of Change (their parent organization) programs, and I don't. I've heard of them because my godmother (not the one who had the party David couldn't attend; a different one. Don't ask me how I have two godmothers, because I have no idea.) is involved with them, but I don't have any actual experience with them. I emailed to see whether this could be remedied quickly, as the application deadline is March 1st. Guess I'll just cross my fingers, and then maybe write a letter about how they should accept me anyway. I think I'd really like to do it, because it's all about leadership training, and learning to find yourself and discipline yourself and learn to understand and interact with people of different faiths and cultures (the program is made up fo people from all over the world), and learn how to make a difference in the world and in your own community, and all of these are things I'd like to learn. I have tended to be pretty directionless of the the past several years--all I really know is that I want to be helpful in some way--and it would be fantastic to learn strategies and grow in confidence and experience. I guess we'll see whether that's where I'm meant to be next winter.
So a decent day, no? Tomorrow maybe I'll tackle the IRS. (Or maybe even tonight! Why not?)
Peach out, brothas.
*Another part of my issue with applying superlatives to my feelings: sometimes it feels a little dishonest, or something. Isn't that silly? But I feel like I need to mention that it wasn't only good--that there were not-that-great things that happened as well. I wouldn't want people thinking my day full of unadulterated pleasure when, in actuality, my eyes hurt a lot of the time, and I still owe a bunch of people/organizations money, and I'm not sure yet what the deal is with my car. Why are those things necessary to mention? Or I feel like I should point out that my moods, good or bad, usually last a few days. Sometimes longer. I think. Who knows? I don't judge time well. But dammit, today I feel good! And yesterday was pretty decent too, and the day before that was also downright good. Also: I am working on positive thinking, but obviously (can't you tell?) I've got some old habits I'm working on kicking to the curb.
**There's some really cool stuff in there! I mean, some pieces are pretty repetitive (for instance, the chapters and chapters, and chapters and chapters on salted fish and different processes for producing salt), but there's a lot on history and etymology and even ancient/old recipes, and on the whole it's pretty interesting. Today I read about the salt mine in Wieliczka, Poland where ancient miners carved everything out of salt. I know what you're thinking: duh, it's a salt mine. Of course everything is carved from salt. You don't understand. They've carved a ballroom, and an underground lake, and a chapel, and now (I think) even a spa down there, and everything in them is carved from rock salt. As in, the crystal chandelier in the ballroom is made of salt.
***For the funeral of my friend Johnny's grandfather. Luckily I found out about it just in time--the morning of. I hadn't seen Johnny in a while, and a few other classmates of ours were there too, and it was really nice to see them. Also, Johnny and Andrew (another classmate) have evidently just gone in on a boat together (don't ask me where the got the money; I have no idea. Parents, maybe? Not sure why they'd fund that, but whatever), and I have been vaguely offered a future ride on it, and they're talking about having a "Rejects" high school reunion party on the boat. Not that "rejects" would be a fitting title at all, particularly considering that the other two girls present for the conversation were pretty popular in high school, and Johnny was decently popular himself I think, but whatever. I'm pretty sure he's just referring to the fact that he tends to really dislike being around most of the people we went to school with.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Things I want, both serious and otherwise.
I want a workshop poetry class. I want the closeness of a tight-knit friend network, like I had in college and in high school and on the dive team in middle school, or even on the internet a time or two. I want to be writing. I want the relationship I'm in to be closer, and I want him to be happier.
In addition, I would appreciate not having to shower so much. I mean, I like being clean, and I like showers. But the mental energy expenditure it takes to convince myself to just get up and go take one is kind of a pain. Same goes for laundry, except that I don't much enjoy doing laundry. I do, however, enjoy having clean clothes.
Did I mention that I want someone to write poetry with? I really do. This is an issue.
(Sometimes I worry about writing overly personal/embarrassing things here, but then I remember that no one reads it except Sara, on occasion. What a relief...)
In addition, I would appreciate not having to shower so much. I mean, I like being clean, and I like showers. But the mental energy expenditure it takes to convince myself to just get up and go take one is kind of a pain. Same goes for laundry, except that I don't much enjoy doing laundry. I do, however, enjoy having clean clothes.
Did I mention that I want someone to write poetry with? I really do. This is an issue.
(Sometimes I worry about writing overly personal/embarrassing things here, but then I remember that no one reads it except Sara, on occasion. What a relief...)
3 Janvier
Today started out...not that great. Actually, I cracked my radiator pretty much first thing: a classic case of "too little, too late." I planned to drain the thing and put in more radiator fluid (it was filled almost entirely with water, and it was really cold last night) as soon as I got back from church. But I pulled into the church parking lot, drove about 100 yards, and then heard a pop and watched rather unhappily as a whole lot of steam began to pour out from underneath my hood.
Got a ride home with mom and slid under this heavy blanket of loneliness. Kelly's at the beach, Jr's at the beach, David nearly broke up with me yesterday, Sara's in L.A. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it without sounding like I was trying to make them feel guilty. I cried some, from general stress I guess. But it passed after a while. I helped make lunch, and later dinner, and spent some time with my family. Talked to Taylor on the phone (very briefly), talked to her mother later (who, finally having met David, was full of praise for him), talked to David a while, texted and talked to Chris (Christina), with whom I have not spoken since Zach and Beth's wedding in June. That was really nice. Cleaned my room! I mean, compared to a truly clean room it's still a mess, but by my horribly low standards, it's kind of great. Far better than it was. For instance, I now have all of my sweatshirts (I hope) in one container, rather than two plus the floor. And all of my clothes (excepting those I haven't brought up from the laundry room) are hung up or put away, or in the dirty laundry basket. And... my books are in lots of piles, instead of strewn all across my room.
Got a ride home with mom and slid under this heavy blanket of loneliness. Kelly's at the beach, Jr's at the beach, David nearly broke up with me yesterday, Sara's in L.A. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it without sounding like I was trying to make them feel guilty. I cried some, from general stress I guess. But it passed after a while. I helped make lunch, and later dinner, and spent some time with my family. Talked to Taylor on the phone (very briefly), talked to her mother later (who, finally having met David, was full of praise for him), talked to David a while, texted and talked to Chris (Christina), with whom I have not spoken since Zach and Beth's wedding in June. That was really nice. Cleaned my room! I mean, compared to a truly clean room it's still a mess, but by my horribly low standards, it's kind of great. Far better than it was. For instance, I now have all of my sweatshirts (I hope) in one container, rather than two plus the floor. And all of my clothes (excepting those I haven't brought up from the laundry room) are hung up or put away, or in the dirty laundry basket. And... my books are in lots of piles, instead of strewn all across my room.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010: first reflections.
David visited for a few days somewhat before and then a few days after Christmas, around New Year's. Dammit, I'd marry him today if he would have me. But now that I have finally just, just given myself permission to fall in love with him (I mean, let's not rush things--we've only been together two and a half years), he doesn't want to get married anymore. I don't really understand why. He says he's not been the person he wants to be, and I know that when he's feeling bad, low on psychological energy I guess, thinking about this tears him apart. And he's uncertain of everything. He has been thinking about breaking up and if that's what he needs to do then so be it, but why? I don't understand. I feel like this is karmic payback for all the time/times he wanted to get married, and I was too busy being angsty and depressed to commit to even staying with him through the end of the week. We went for a walk today, and I was sure I'd be single by the time we got back to the house. I wasn't, and I'm not, but I've spent a lot of time today fighting off tears. I am ok, but sad.
The fact that I am ok though is an honest-to-God miracle*. My new strategy this new year for dealing with depression is, I guess, not to take it so seriously. I'll still feel sometimes, I am sure, as though life isn't worth the trouble, and everything is too heavy to carry. There will still be days when the air is so thick with despair that I can't breathe. But I am going to try not believing it. Not buying it. Deciding that despair is a lie.
(Resolutions: Be honest. Give yourself permission to be in love, to be angry, afraid, joyful, depressed... to feel, without embarrassment or despair. Do not live out of obligation.)
Tonight we went to my Godmother Susan's** annual Christmas party, and it was really nice. I talked some with my cousin (first cousin once removed, actually) Will, and he wants me to email him some poems. He is going to consider participating in the Friday-poems project I abandoned earlier in the fall. I talked with his kids too, Meghan (Chloe's age--18) and Tyler (15), and that was nice. And another cousin, Lee, was there with her husband Randy and their daughter Bella, who is four and adorable. She is sweet and seems homely at first (to me, anyway), but grows on you quickly. And she has such a forceful personality! I spent a good chunk of the evening reading and singing Christmas carols to her. She's a fun little girl. Not a lot happened. but it was really nice to be there. Nice to see people I haven't seen lately and don't see much. Fast away the old year passes. Happy new year.
*Yeah, no, for real. I am not-quite-continually shocked at the fact that I am not crumpling under the weight of the stress that would/should/could come from saying "no, but really, I want to marry you" to someone that doesn't want the same thing; someone who in point of fact is seriously considering leaving you. Holy crap, how am I still even breathing? But I am. I am still breathing.
**She is so wonderful. And her husband (who I always called "Big Bill" as a child and now do not call anything, because saying "Big Bill" at the age of 23 just seems weird) is so sweet. There are pictures in their house of them when they were in their twenties. There is one taken at the river I think, where everyone is looking at the camera, but Bill is looking at Susan. I think he's looking at her in almost every picture. They were both so beautiful.
But the point of this footnote originally was to mention that she found some pictures today of us together when I was maybe four, on a day when we broke up stale bread and put it into a basket, and went and fed the ducks at Byrd park, and then went to Maymont and pet the goats. They are such a treasure. She gave some of them to me!
And I am still breathing. (!)
The fact that I am ok though is an honest-to-God miracle*. My new strategy this new year for dealing with depression is, I guess, not to take it so seriously. I'll still feel sometimes, I am sure, as though life isn't worth the trouble, and everything is too heavy to carry. There will still be days when the air is so thick with despair that I can't breathe. But I am going to try not believing it. Not buying it. Deciding that despair is a lie.
(Resolutions: Be honest. Give yourself permission to be in love, to be angry, afraid, joyful, depressed... to feel, without embarrassment or despair. Do not live out of obligation.)
Tonight we went to my Godmother Susan's** annual Christmas party, and it was really nice. I talked some with my cousin (first cousin once removed, actually) Will, and he wants me to email him some poems. He is going to consider participating in the Friday-poems project I abandoned earlier in the fall. I talked with his kids too, Meghan (Chloe's age--18) and Tyler (15), and that was nice. And another cousin, Lee, was there with her husband Randy and their daughter Bella, who is four and adorable. She is sweet and seems homely at first (to me, anyway), but grows on you quickly. And she has such a forceful personality! I spent a good chunk of the evening reading and singing Christmas carols to her. She's a fun little girl. Not a lot happened. but it was really nice to be there. Nice to see people I haven't seen lately and don't see much. Fast away the old year passes. Happy new year.
*Yeah, no, for real. I am not-quite-continually shocked at the fact that I am not crumpling under the weight of the stress that would/should/could come from saying "no, but really, I want to marry you" to someone that doesn't want the same thing; someone who in point of fact is seriously considering leaving you. Holy crap, how am I still even breathing? But I am. I am still breathing.
**She is so wonderful. And her husband (who I always called "Big Bill" as a child and now do not call anything, because saying "Big Bill" at the age of 23 just seems weird) is so sweet. There are pictures in their house of them when they were in their twenties. There is one taken at the river I think, where everyone is looking at the camera, but Bill is looking at Susan. I think he's looking at her in almost every picture. They were both so beautiful.
But the point of this footnote originally was to mention that she found some pictures today of us together when I was maybe four, on a day when we broke up stale bread and put it into a basket, and went and fed the ducks at Byrd park, and then went to Maymont and pet the goats. They are such a treasure. She gave some of them to me!
And I am still breathing. (!)
Monday, December 28, 2009
The Holiday
The days leading up to Christmas were pretty rough (read: mostly terrible) and Christmas started out that way, but ended up being alright. I worked 8:30-5 on the 23rd, then came home and had a bath in an attempt to improve my ankle and my mood, and then Chloe and I went to Jay's (Farley and Jen's younger son's) birthday party. That was nice. I sat with Jack for a little while (honestly, a gift in itself) and mostly watched people.
Christmas eve I felt better while I could keep myself distracted, and I worked 7:45-4:30, and then went to help Uncle Bud make eggnog. Last year I helped with the whole process, but this year we had dinner at my Uncle Tommy's/Aunt Krystyna's house, so I only had time to separate 3 dozen eggs*, and then I had to leave. Dinner was nice though, even though I still have a hard time downing traditional Polish Christmas food. Tommy's children from his first marriage were both there with their fantastic kids, and I never get to see little kids anymore, so I spent most of the evening keeping them out of everyone's way and out of trouble, rather than talking to my cousins. There were five of them and one of me, so it was a little hectic, but fun. Tom jr's second son, Sam, was there and awake, and oh my goodness he is a peach. He is 17 months I think and he doesn't talk, but he understands everything you're saying to him, and he is so beautiful and sweet. Also Lily, Holly's youngest (who is four), just loves him. She would follow him around and show him things. The four older kids spent most of the night taking turns making noise and borrowing my camera, so there are a lot of interesting pictures on there. It was really interesting actually to see things from their perspective. You forget what it's like to be so small, you know?
Krystyna's younger daughter Victoria was there too of course, and I talked with her a little. She has a new dog named Oscar, a dachshund puppy, and I want him. There aren't really words to describe how great he is.
After dinner we stopped at home for a little while and then went to midnight mass, where I barely held it together. That pretty much sucked.
Christmas morning I woke up and discovered a few things: First, Ed and Uncle Bud were not coming to brunch after all; we were going to Holly and Brian's instead to see Tom and Sara before they left again for San Francisco. Second, I wasn't the only one who hadn't been able to get presents this year--actually, Chloe and my dad were the only ones who were even remotely on top of things. So we had breakfast and each opened one gift, and then went to see the cousins. It was nice to be there, though it was a little hard to have my ideas about the day so thoroughly shifted as soon as I woke up. Christmas later in the afternoon on Church Hill was also nice, but overall the whole day just felt a little off to me. The food was delicious though, and Mom made me and Chloe sing with her several times. (Come Thou, Long Expected Jesus.)
The day after Christmas I don't remember well at the moment. Oh! Ed came for brunch, and my Uncle Tommy came bearing gifts and a Russian documentary about water that was really awesome, actually. I'd like to research it more. We had vegetables and grits and more of the rockfish I'd brought home from work on Christmas eve, and Ed brought some scones from Joe's Market that were pretty fantastic.
Later, around 3 I think, Kelly and Susannah came over to find us/my mom watching episodes from Faerie Tale Theater (she got the whole series from her secret santa--good thing I didn't buy them like I had planned). We watched some and ate chili and played a very short and ridiculous game of apples to apples (you can't really play with three people, so we discarded the "7 cards per person" and "one entry per hand" rules and just threw in as many cards each time as we felt like), and then after a brief search for the "charging rino" card (mentioned in the directions but never seen) we went to see Avatar. We'd planned on the 7 pm show but were a little late, so we got ice cream and then went to the 8 pm show instead. It was AMAZING.
Sunday Chloe and I went to St Edward's for church and met Kelly there, and she came over after church for a little while, as she didn't have time to get home and back before she had to pick up her mentee for their outing. We went to Wal-Mart, so I finally got some Christmas shopping done, though I am still not by any means finished. Soon after we got back and she left my family congregated in the living room (even Jack!) to open our stockings at last. Mom gave me two beautiful necklaces--one a double-strand of black freshwater pearls, and the other a coin silver (?) Navajo necklace that belonged to Mrs. Erickson before she died. She also gave each of us a small bottle of essential oils**, and mine is a mix called "Joy."
Sunday night... Mom and Dad and Chloe and I went to see Avatar. Still amazing.
Today I worked 1:30 to 7, and then finally went and got the supplies I need to make David's Christmas present. So hopefully I'll be getting that done shortly. And for dinner tonight, delicious chili made by mom!
Shower time.
*A tip for eggnog makers: I find that the easiest way to separate eggs is with my hands; however, if you are doing this, you should A) heat your house and B) warm the eggs a little. My fingers felt like blocks of wood after each dozen, so I had to keep stopping and warming them.
**Evidently most essential oils bought from health food stores and whatnot are not nearly as useful as they could be, because the makers of said oils don't actually know what they're doing--what they're going for. It would seem that humans have (or each human has) a particular electric signature. Plants do as well, as do all living things. Certain plant signatures support ours--but the ways in which most manufacturers usually produce essential oils can actually destroy or weaken the plant signatures so much as to render them nearly useless.
Christmas eve I felt better while I could keep myself distracted, and I worked 7:45-4:30, and then went to help Uncle Bud make eggnog. Last year I helped with the whole process, but this year we had dinner at my Uncle Tommy's/Aunt Krystyna's house, so I only had time to separate 3 dozen eggs*, and then I had to leave. Dinner was nice though, even though I still have a hard time downing traditional Polish Christmas food. Tommy's children from his first marriage were both there with their fantastic kids, and I never get to see little kids anymore, so I spent most of the evening keeping them out of everyone's way and out of trouble, rather than talking to my cousins. There were five of them and one of me, so it was a little hectic, but fun. Tom jr's second son, Sam, was there and awake, and oh my goodness he is a peach. He is 17 months I think and he doesn't talk, but he understands everything you're saying to him, and he is so beautiful and sweet. Also Lily, Holly's youngest (who is four), just loves him. She would follow him around and show him things. The four older kids spent most of the night taking turns making noise and borrowing my camera, so there are a lot of interesting pictures on there. It was really interesting actually to see things from their perspective. You forget what it's like to be so small, you know?
Krystyna's younger daughter Victoria was there too of course, and I talked with her a little. She has a new dog named Oscar, a dachshund puppy, and I want him. There aren't really words to describe how great he is.
After dinner we stopped at home for a little while and then went to midnight mass, where I barely held it together. That pretty much sucked.
Christmas morning I woke up and discovered a few things: First, Ed and Uncle Bud were not coming to brunch after all; we were going to Holly and Brian's instead to see Tom and Sara before they left again for San Francisco. Second, I wasn't the only one who hadn't been able to get presents this year--actually, Chloe and my dad were the only ones who were even remotely on top of things. So we had breakfast and each opened one gift, and then went to see the cousins. It was nice to be there, though it was a little hard to have my ideas about the day so thoroughly shifted as soon as I woke up. Christmas later in the afternoon on Church Hill was also nice, but overall the whole day just felt a little off to me. The food was delicious though, and Mom made me and Chloe sing with her several times. (Come Thou, Long Expected Jesus.)
The day after Christmas I don't remember well at the moment. Oh! Ed came for brunch, and my Uncle Tommy came bearing gifts and a Russian documentary about water that was really awesome, actually. I'd like to research it more. We had vegetables and grits and more of the rockfish I'd brought home from work on Christmas eve, and Ed brought some scones from Joe's Market that were pretty fantastic.
Later, around 3 I think, Kelly and Susannah came over to find us/my mom watching episodes from Faerie Tale Theater (she got the whole series from her secret santa--good thing I didn't buy them like I had planned). We watched some and ate chili and played a very short and ridiculous game of apples to apples (you can't really play with three people, so we discarded the "7 cards per person" and "one entry per hand" rules and just threw in as many cards each time as we felt like), and then after a brief search for the "charging rino" card (mentioned in the directions but never seen) we went to see Avatar. We'd planned on the 7 pm show but were a little late, so we got ice cream and then went to the 8 pm show instead. It was AMAZING.
Sunday Chloe and I went to St Edward's for church and met Kelly there, and she came over after church for a little while, as she didn't have time to get home and back before she had to pick up her mentee for their outing. We went to Wal-Mart, so I finally got some Christmas shopping done, though I am still not by any means finished. Soon after we got back and she left my family congregated in the living room (even Jack!) to open our stockings at last. Mom gave me two beautiful necklaces--one a double-strand of black freshwater pearls, and the other a coin silver (?) Navajo necklace that belonged to Mrs. Erickson before she died. She also gave each of us a small bottle of essential oils**, and mine is a mix called "Joy."
Sunday night... Mom and Dad and Chloe and I went to see Avatar. Still amazing.
Today I worked 1:30 to 7, and then finally went and got the supplies I need to make David's Christmas present. So hopefully I'll be getting that done shortly. And for dinner tonight, delicious chili made by mom!
Shower time.
*A tip for eggnog makers: I find that the easiest way to separate eggs is with my hands; however, if you are doing this, you should A) heat your house and B) warm the eggs a little. My fingers felt like blocks of wood after each dozen, so I had to keep stopping and warming them.
**Evidently most essential oils bought from health food stores and whatnot are not nearly as useful as they could be, because the makers of said oils don't actually know what they're doing--what they're going for. It would seem that humans have (or each human has) a particular electric signature. Plants do as well, as do all living things. Certain plant signatures support ours--but the ways in which most manufacturers usually produce essential oils can actually destroy or weaken the plant signatures so much as to render them nearly useless.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Weekend
I don't know what to say. What was the last thing I wrote?
We had a blizzard, or what passes for one in central Va. David left NoVa after work on Friday and drove down--it took him 9 hours. He didn't get here until 5:23 am. We talked some, went to sleep. I woke up at 8:15 to call in to work, and then couldn't go back to sleep. I went downstairs to snuggle up with David around 10:30 or something, and didn't sleep some more. It was infuriating. Later we made chicken salad (you know, for Susannah's engagement party, which got canceled) and later went sledding with Chloe and built an igloo in the woods. I mean, we didn't get a roof up, but we had an entryway and the walls were coming along well when the sun went down. That night Mom had the idea that since we were all snowed in we and our neighbors from down the street, Lael and Hartley, should bundle up and go Christmas caroling around the neighborhood. I know that's always looked down on in the movies/media, but it was fun, and in general people seemed to really like it. The downside though was that after having hot chocolate and milk and fudge at Lael and Hartley's house, we stayed and talked to them until after 11 pm, so we ended up being awake pretty late and then had to get up in the morning to shovel the driveway and walk and get to church.
Yesterday Mom and Chloe went to church early, because Chloe was Mary in the Christmas pageant, but David and Dad and I didn't get there in time, despite our best efforts. David did a pretty amazing job shoveling though--I really just went out and widened the path for my Dad so that he could get out and into the car, after David had shoveled nearly the entire driveway himself. (Perhaps we should invest in a second snow shovel.) After church Mom and Chloe got the car re-stuck, though luckily in the lower driveway. David and I were practically falling over and went to take a 40 minute nap that turned into 3 or 4 hours. While we did this Mom and Chloe (unbeknownst to us) were rushing around making gifts to give to family members at the Christmas open house we were late to. We got there though eventually, and it was nice, though we missed the gap I'd been planning on using to go to Sara's. (She gave me a really hard time about this today.) We went straight* from Carter and Kay's open house to the Hayward's caroling party, at which our cousin Ed plays jazz piano and everyone (after a healthy dose of mingling and grazing and light drinking) sings Christmas carols. We got home from that, I don't know when, late-ish, and David sat down and played his banjo a while. I took a shower. We went downstairs and snuggled up and talked a while, and then I (as seems to be my custom when I've been particularly down/stressed out) ended up having a minor breakdown right before I went upstairs to go to bed. He said something pertaining to the differences in the ways we, I guess in the ways we just are, and it touched on something I'd been worrying about too, and I just lost it.
I really do not like doing that, and I don't know why it keeps happening, but he's always really sweet about it.
Today we got up by mutual agreement around 8, and I woke up terribly sad due to said breakdown the night before, and we talked and I tried to get over it and we had breakfast. My car was encased in icy snow and refused to be dug out, so David drove me to work in my mom's car (his was not yet freed either, but he and my mom had gotten hers unstuck again), and that was really nice. Unfortunately, I have still pretty much felt like trash all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Work was tolerable though, and my mom gave me a ride home. We bought some Christmas presents online and I checked email and such, and went to deposit my paycheck** at the bank. I really didn't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything but taking a bath and going to bed, even at 5 pm, but Sara and Brian are leaving for L.A. again tomorrow, so I went over there and hung out for a while. Sara gave me a really awesome book for Christmas (I can't remember the exact title, but it's something like "[Something] Uses for Everyday Things."
Susannah hit town today (which is why we didn't have the party for her yesterday) and she was there, and she came over after we left Sara's, and we talked a while. She'll be in town through Christmas, so that will be nice I hope.
I guess it's stupid to apologize to the internet at large for anything, so I won't. But since I have such an addiction to it, here is what I would apologize for, were I apologizing:
being so down. being so negative. being so dramatic and upset and angsty and confused and repetitive. overthinking everything. being so directionless and lost. being such a downer. being so shortsighted. failing to see all the beauty and joy in life, all the miracles, and seeing instead all of the pain and confusion and risk and danger and doubt. Isn't that stupid? It doesn't make any sense to obsess over shadows and wander in a maze of maybes when there is so much that is real and good. But there are things that are real and horrible, too. And sometimes I just can't see a way out. Not a good one, anyway. I just can't see a way into the air.
*at which point I realized that I had, in fact, left my phone at home.
**oh my gosh, so awesome. I haven't had one of these since August.
We had a blizzard, or what passes for one in central Va. David left NoVa after work on Friday and drove down--it took him 9 hours. He didn't get here until 5:23 am. We talked some, went to sleep. I woke up at 8:15 to call in to work, and then couldn't go back to sleep. I went downstairs to snuggle up with David around 10:30 or something, and didn't sleep some more. It was infuriating. Later we made chicken salad (you know, for Susannah's engagement party, which got canceled) and later went sledding with Chloe and built an igloo in the woods. I mean, we didn't get a roof up, but we had an entryway and the walls were coming along well when the sun went down. That night Mom had the idea that since we were all snowed in we and our neighbors from down the street, Lael and Hartley, should bundle up and go Christmas caroling around the neighborhood. I know that's always looked down on in the movies/media, but it was fun, and in general people seemed to really like it. The downside though was that after having hot chocolate and milk and fudge at Lael and Hartley's house, we stayed and talked to them until after 11 pm, so we ended up being awake pretty late and then had to get up in the morning to shovel the driveway and walk and get to church.
Yesterday Mom and Chloe went to church early, because Chloe was Mary in the Christmas pageant, but David and Dad and I didn't get there in time, despite our best efforts. David did a pretty amazing job shoveling though--I really just went out and widened the path for my Dad so that he could get out and into the car, after David had shoveled nearly the entire driveway himself. (Perhaps we should invest in a second snow shovel.) After church Mom and Chloe got the car re-stuck, though luckily in the lower driveway. David and I were practically falling over and went to take a 40 minute nap that turned into 3 or 4 hours. While we did this Mom and Chloe (unbeknownst to us) were rushing around making gifts to give to family members at the Christmas open house we were late to. We got there though eventually, and it was nice, though we missed the gap I'd been planning on using to go to Sara's. (She gave me a really hard time about this today.) We went straight* from Carter and Kay's open house to the Hayward's caroling party, at which our cousin Ed plays jazz piano and everyone (after a healthy dose of mingling and grazing and light drinking) sings Christmas carols. We got home from that, I don't know when, late-ish, and David sat down and played his banjo a while. I took a shower. We went downstairs and snuggled up and talked a while, and then I (as seems to be my custom when I've been particularly down/stressed out) ended up having a minor breakdown right before I went upstairs to go to bed. He said something pertaining to the differences in the ways we, I guess in the ways we just are, and it touched on something I'd been worrying about too, and I just lost it.
I really do not like doing that, and I don't know why it keeps happening, but he's always really sweet about it.
Today we got up by mutual agreement around 8, and I woke up terribly sad due to said breakdown the night before, and we talked and I tried to get over it and we had breakfast. My car was encased in icy snow and refused to be dug out, so David drove me to work in my mom's car (his was not yet freed either, but he and my mom had gotten hers unstuck again), and that was really nice. Unfortunately, I have still pretty much felt like trash all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Work was tolerable though, and my mom gave me a ride home. We bought some Christmas presents online and I checked email and such, and went to deposit my paycheck** at the bank. I really didn't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything but taking a bath and going to bed, even at 5 pm, but Sara and Brian are leaving for L.A. again tomorrow, so I went over there and hung out for a while. Sara gave me a really awesome book for Christmas (I can't remember the exact title, but it's something like "[Something] Uses for Everyday Things."
Susannah hit town today (which is why we didn't have the party for her yesterday) and she was there, and she came over after we left Sara's, and we talked a while. She'll be in town through Christmas, so that will be nice I hope.
I guess it's stupid to apologize to the internet at large for anything, so I won't. But since I have such an addiction to it, here is what I would apologize for, were I apologizing:
being so down. being so negative. being so dramatic and upset and angsty and confused and repetitive. overthinking everything. being so directionless and lost. being such a downer. being so shortsighted. failing to see all the beauty and joy in life, all the miracles, and seeing instead all of the pain and confusion and risk and danger and doubt. Isn't that stupid? It doesn't make any sense to obsess over shadows and wander in a maze of maybes when there is so much that is real and good. But there are things that are real and horrible, too. And sometimes I just can't see a way out. Not a good one, anyway. I just can't see a way into the air.
*at which point I realized that I had, in fact, left my phone at home.
**oh my gosh, so awesome. I haven't had one of these since August.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Update
David finally made it to our house at 5:23 this morning--it took him nine hours to drive 125 miles. Was I really at Sara's just yesterday? It seems like a week ago. Long night. The good news though is that I don't have to work today. The bad news is that I only slept about 2 hours, woke up to call in to work, and then never could fall back asleep. And now I have to make chicken salad for 40 people.
TGIWTF.
Work was decent, though I'm still struggling a bit with the "this is a teenager job" issue.
Came home and got sucked into the $*&^ cable instead of doing what I needed to.
Got into a family-wide fight over some firewood that didn't get picked up. That's a long story that I don't really want to go into, but what I do want to go into is that I am so completely sick out of my mind of wanting to die every time something goes wrong. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I don't want to be dramatic. But do you remember when you were little and you were told that the way to memorize something is to do or say or sing it over and over, so that the path gets worn down in your head? So that it's easier to go there, to remember? I never wanted to do that with this, but the fact remains that the path to "life's not worth the effort" or "dying would be such a relief" or "I can't handle this; I can't handle anything" is worn down. It's like a rut that I'm driving alongside, and every time I hit a bump in the road I fall straight into it. It's so worn down that I can go from 60 to 0 in about 2 seconds, any time I let my guard down, any time I get too tired or stressed, any time something goes wrong, catches me by surprise, hits a nerve. It's hard not to feel like my long-term chances of survival drop every time.
After I finished the bout of hysterical crying and suicidal episode that followed said family-wide fight, I talked to Sara on the phone for a little while (actually, that wasn't really after, but toward the end, but whatever) I went and helped my family pick up the last of the stupid firewood, then drove through the snow to Sara's for Hannukah. I was (and absolutely still am) feeling a little weak and low and fragile, but for the most part it was fun. Ami was there and it was great to see her, and it was fun to be with Sara and Eva and Brian and others, but I'm just so tired, all around. I left to drive home in the then 4 or so inches of snow, about 5 or 10 minutes before Chloe texted me to say not to try to come home. I made it, but it wasn't much fun.
David left from Front Royal around 8:30. He's now about 40 miles from here in his little tiny car in stop and go traffic, and we have 8 or so inches of snow on our back porch. I was going crazy crazy until he finally texted me and let me know he was alive and in traffic, maybe 40 minutes ago. I was afraid he was broken down or dead or still up above Fredericksburg, and that if I called or texted him he might crash or slide off the road, and that if he did, he would die and I would never forgive myself. So the text was a big relief. Anyway, we're making plans to hike out to him if he gets stuck coming off the interstate. Good times.
Came home and got sucked into the $*&^ cable instead of doing what I needed to.
Got into a family-wide fight over some firewood that didn't get picked up. That's a long story that I don't really want to go into, but what I do want to go into is that I am so completely sick out of my mind of wanting to die every time something goes wrong. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I don't want to be dramatic. But do you remember when you were little and you were told that the way to memorize something is to do or say or sing it over and over, so that the path gets worn down in your head? So that it's easier to go there, to remember? I never wanted to do that with this, but the fact remains that the path to "life's not worth the effort" or "dying would be such a relief" or "I can't handle this; I can't handle anything" is worn down. It's like a rut that I'm driving alongside, and every time I hit a bump in the road I fall straight into it. It's so worn down that I can go from 60 to 0 in about 2 seconds, any time I let my guard down, any time I get too tired or stressed, any time something goes wrong, catches me by surprise, hits a nerve. It's hard not to feel like my long-term chances of survival drop every time.
After I finished the bout of hysterical crying and suicidal episode that followed said family-wide fight, I talked to Sara on the phone for a little while (actually, that wasn't really after, but toward the end, but whatever) I went and helped my family pick up the last of the stupid firewood, then drove through the snow to Sara's for Hannukah. I was (and absolutely still am) feeling a little weak and low and fragile, but for the most part it was fun. Ami was there and it was great to see her, and it was fun to be with Sara and Eva and Brian and others, but I'm just so tired, all around. I left to drive home in the then 4 or so inches of snow, about 5 or 10 minutes before Chloe texted me to say not to try to come home. I made it, but it wasn't much fun.
David left from Front Royal around 8:30. He's now about 40 miles from here in his little tiny car in stop and go traffic, and we have 8 or so inches of snow on our back porch. I was going crazy crazy until he finally texted me and let me know he was alive and in traffic, maybe 40 minutes ago. I was afraid he was broken down or dead or still up above Fredericksburg, and that if I called or texted him he might crash or slide off the road, and that if he did, he would die and I would never forgive myself. So the text was a big relief. Anyway, we're making plans to hike out to him if he gets stuck coming off the interstate. Good times.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Yesterday; Today
Yesterday:
Drove fully 100 miles around town.
Did some more thinking about quitting my job.
Called the guy I was interviewing with before, to ask whether the position was still open.
Discovered the position was still open.
Worked for a little while.
Got hit on and asked to lunch whilst working.
Re-interviewed.
Got Hired.
Worked some more.
Got hit on again. (I was working in a neighborhood where this is commonplace.)
Worked just a little bit more.
Sat in my car, texted, talked on the phone, ate an orange.
Got a free lunch + some more getting hit on.
Wondered why someone who knows I'm in a 2.5 year relationship thinks it's worthwhile to buy me lunch.
Decided Jamaican food is pretty good.
Went to Sara's house; "helped" (aka watched) make cake balls.
Returned to office; quit work.
Talked to David a whole bunch of times through the day. Good times.
Today!
Got to work, oh, 25 minutes early (by accident).
Sat in freezing cold car listening to the radio till 8:30.
Started work!
Learned to make various seafoody things.
Learned to operate cash register.
Talked about payscale and vacation-related things.
Worked 7 hours. Made about $56. Smiled. Went home. Ate ice cream. Blogged. Prepared to nap.
Tonight!!
Tacky Lights Tour!
Drove fully 100 miles around town.
Did some more thinking about quitting my job.
Called the guy I was interviewing with before, to ask whether the position was still open.
Discovered the position was still open.
Worked for a little while.
Got hit on and asked to lunch whilst working.
Re-interviewed.
Got Hired.
Worked some more.
Got hit on again. (I was working in a neighborhood where this is commonplace.)
Worked just a little bit more.
Sat in my car, texted, talked on the phone, ate an orange.
Got a free lunch + some more getting hit on.
Wondered why someone who knows I'm in a 2.5 year relationship thinks it's worthwhile to buy me lunch.
Decided Jamaican food is pretty good.
Went to Sara's house; "helped" (aka watched) make cake balls.
Returned to office; quit work.
Talked to David a whole bunch of times through the day. Good times.
Today!
Got to work, oh, 25 minutes early (by accident).
Sat in freezing cold car listening to the radio till 8:30.
Started work!
Learned to make various seafoody things.
Learned to operate cash register.
Talked about payscale and vacation-related things.
Worked 7 hours. Made about $56. Smiled. Went home. Ate ice cream. Blogged. Prepared to nap.
Tonight!!
Tacky Lights Tour!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Hokay
I guess I already mentioned that I have a job. It makes me tired and then I don't really feel like writing, especially since I'm trying to get to bed early (no, really--10 pm). I haven't made 10 yet, but I have gotten to bed before 11 once. Yesterday I was completely on my own for the first time, and my car "broke down" (aka ran out of gas while telling me I had a quarter tank) on the way to work. I finally got things straightened out and got to my territory around 12, and ended up making one sale, and finding some interested parties that wanted me to come back today. Today I woke up feeling weak and achy and headachy and nauseated at the thought of eating (but sort of hungry) and having trouble moving. I decided to stay home, and as is my custom, I am now second-guessing myself. Also I'm really hoping that the people who wanted to talk to me today will want to talk to me/buy things tomorrow. Arg.
In other news: last night I had a not-so-awesome dream about zombies. There was something about periodic zombie attacks and we were hoping to remain inconspicuous in this not-actually-secure building, and there were a bunch of morons around who kept making noise. And then for some reason people (including me!) were trying to drive places! And THEN, I was with/part of/watching? this family drive around in a car trying to avoid zombies, and then one got its arm in the window of the car so the dad rolled the window up which cut off the arm, and then later we/they were all in their house and I think there were maybe servants that were zombies? (Like that makes sense..) And THEN we found out that the DAD was actually a zombie, this whole time! It was not a very fun dream.
Also: I miss David. Except when I think about it too much; then sometimes I stop missing David until I let my guard down or whatever again.
In other news: last night I had a not-so-awesome dream about zombies. There was something about periodic zombie attacks and we were hoping to remain inconspicuous in this not-actually-secure building, and there were a bunch of morons around who kept making noise. And then for some reason people (including me!) were trying to drive places! And THEN, I was with/part of/watching? this family drive around in a car trying to avoid zombies, and then one got its arm in the window of the car so the dad rolled the window up which cut off the arm, and then later we/they were all in their house and I think there were maybe servants that were zombies? (Like that makes sense..) And THEN we found out that the DAD was actually a zombie, this whole time! It was not a very fun dream.
Also: I miss David. Except when I think about it too much; then sometimes I stop missing David until I let my guard down or whatever again.
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