I don't know what to say. What was the last thing I wrote?
We had a blizzard, or what passes for one in central Va. David left NoVa after work on Friday and drove down--it took him 9 hours. He didn't get here until 5:23 am. We talked some, went to sleep. I woke up at 8:15 to call in to work, and then couldn't go back to sleep. I went downstairs to snuggle up with David around 10:30 or something, and didn't sleep some more. It was infuriating. Later we made chicken salad (you know, for Susannah's engagement party, which got canceled) and later went sledding with Chloe and built an igloo in the woods. I mean, we didn't get a roof up, but we had an entryway and the walls were coming along well when the sun went down. That night Mom had the idea that since we were all snowed in we and our neighbors from down the street, Lael and Hartley, should bundle up and go Christmas caroling around the neighborhood. I know that's always looked down on in the movies/media, but it was fun, and in general people seemed to really like it. The downside though was that after having hot chocolate and milk and fudge at Lael and Hartley's house, we stayed and talked to them until after 11 pm, so we ended up being awake pretty late and then had to get up in the morning to shovel the driveway and walk and get to church.
Yesterday Mom and Chloe went to church early, because Chloe was Mary in the Christmas pageant, but David and Dad and I didn't get there in time, despite our best efforts. David did a pretty amazing job shoveling though--I really just went out and widened the path for my Dad so that he could get out and into the car, after David had shoveled nearly the entire driveway himself. (Perhaps we should invest in a second snow shovel.) After church Mom and Chloe got the car re-stuck, though luckily in the lower driveway. David and I were practically falling over and went to take a 40 minute nap that turned into 3 or 4 hours. While we did this Mom and Chloe (unbeknownst to us) were rushing around making gifts to give to family members at the Christmas open house we were late to. We got there though eventually, and it was nice, though we missed the gap I'd been planning on using to go to Sara's. (She gave me a really hard time about this today.) We went straight* from Carter and Kay's open house to the Hayward's caroling party, at which our cousin Ed plays jazz piano and everyone (after a healthy dose of mingling and grazing and light drinking) sings Christmas carols. We got home from that, I don't know when, late-ish, and David sat down and played his banjo a while. I took a shower. We went downstairs and snuggled up and talked a while, and then I (as seems to be my custom when I've been particularly down/stressed out) ended up having a minor breakdown right before I went upstairs to go to bed. He said something pertaining to the differences in the ways we, I guess in the ways we just are, and it touched on something I'd been worrying about too, and I just lost it.
I really do not like doing that, and I don't know why it keeps happening, but he's always really sweet about it.
Today we got up by mutual agreement around 8, and I woke up terribly sad due to said breakdown the night before, and we talked and I tried to get over it and we had breakfast. My car was encased in icy snow and refused to be dug out, so David drove me to work in my mom's car (his was not yet freed either, but he and my mom had gotten hers unstuck again), and that was really nice. Unfortunately, I have still pretty much felt like trash all day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Work was tolerable though, and my mom gave me a ride home. We bought some Christmas presents online and I checked email and such, and went to deposit my paycheck** at the bank. I really didn't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything but taking a bath and going to bed, even at 5 pm, but Sara and Brian are leaving for L.A. again tomorrow, so I went over there and hung out for a while. Sara gave me a really awesome book for Christmas (I can't remember the exact title, but it's something like "[Something] Uses for Everyday Things."
Susannah hit town today (which is why we didn't have the party for her yesterday) and she was there, and she came over after we left Sara's, and we talked a while. She'll be in town through Christmas, so that will be nice I hope.
I guess it's stupid to apologize to the internet at large for anything, so I won't. But since I have such an addiction to it, here is what I would apologize for, were I apologizing:
being so down. being so negative. being so dramatic and upset and angsty and confused and repetitive. overthinking everything. being so directionless and lost. being such a downer. being so shortsighted. failing to see all the beauty and joy in life, all the miracles, and seeing instead all of the pain and confusion and risk and danger and doubt. Isn't that stupid? It doesn't make any sense to obsess over shadows and wander in a maze of maybes when there is so much that is real and good. But there are things that are real and horrible, too. And sometimes I just can't see a way out. Not a good one, anyway. I just can't see a way into the air.
*at which point I realized that I had, in fact, left my phone at home.
**oh my gosh, so awesome. I haven't had one of these since August.