Sunday, January 3, 2010

2010: first reflections.

David visited for a few days somewhat before and then a few days after Christmas, around New Year's. Dammit, I'd marry him today if he would have me. But now that I have finally just, just given myself permission to fall in love with him (I mean, let's not rush things--we've only been together two and a half years), he doesn't want to get married anymore. I don't really understand why. He says he's not been the person he wants to be, and I know that when he's feeling bad, low on psychological energy I guess, thinking about this tears him apart. And he's uncertain of everything. He has been thinking about breaking up and if that's what he needs to do then so be it, but why? I don't understand. I feel like this is karmic payback for all the time/times he wanted to get married, and I was too busy being angsty and depressed to commit to even staying with him through the end of the week. We went for a walk today, and I was sure I'd be single by the time we got back to the house. I wasn't, and I'm not, but I've spent a lot of time today fighting off tears. I am ok, but sad.


The fact that I am ok though is an honest-to-God miracle*. My new strategy this new year for dealing with depression is, I guess, not to take it so seriously. I'll still feel sometimes, I am sure, as though life isn't worth the trouble, and everything is too heavy to carry. There will still be days when the air is so thick with despair that I can't breathe. But I am going to try not believing it. Not buying it. Deciding that despair is a lie.
(Resolutions: Be honest. Give yourself permission to be in love, to be angry, afraid, joyful, depressed... to feel, without embarrassment or despair. Do not live out of obligation.)



Tonight we went to my Godmother Susan's** annual Christmas party, and it was really nice. I talked some with my cousin (first cousin once removed, actually) Will, and he wants me to email him some poems. He is going to consider participating in the Friday-poems project I abandoned earlier in the fall. I talked with his kids too, Meghan (Chloe's age--18) and Tyler (15), and that was nice. And another cousin, Lee, was there with her husband Randy and their daughter Bella, who is four and adorable. She is sweet and seems homely at first (to me, anyway), but grows on you quickly. And she has such a forceful personality! I spent a good chunk of the evening reading and singing Christmas carols to her. She's a fun little girl. Not a lot happened. but it was really nice to be there. Nice to see people I haven't seen lately and don't see much. Fast away the old year passes. Happy new year.









*Yeah, no, for real. I am not-quite-continually shocked at the fact that I am not crumpling under the weight of the stress that would/should/could come from saying "no, but really, I want to marry you" to someone that doesn't want the same thing; someone who in point of fact is seriously considering leaving you. Holy crap, how am I still even breathing? But I am. I am still breathing. 

**She is so wonderful. And her husband (who I always called "Big Bill" as a child and now do not call anything, because saying "Big Bill" at the age of 23 just seems weird) is so sweet. There are pictures in their house of them when they were in their twenties. There is one taken at the river I think, where everyone is looking at the camera, but Bill is looking at Susan. I think he's looking at her in almost every picture. They were both so beautiful.
But the point of this footnote originally was to mention that she found some pictures today of us together when I was maybe four, on a day when we broke up stale bread and put it into a basket, and went and fed the ducks at Byrd park, and then went to Maymont and pet the goats. They are such a treasure. She gave some of them to me!



And I am still breathing. (!)

No comments:

Post a Comment