Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Who ever thought I'd look back fondly?

I miss that boy.

Work today was decent. Jr stopped by on his way to an interview nearby--I hope he gets the job. He came by again when I got off work and came over for a little while. Kelly was still at my house cleaning up, so we all hung out for a bit. Ate some ramen. I was so tired (though not as tired as Kelly, who hasn't been able to sleep more than a few hours a night lately) that I eventually just went and took a nap while they were downstairs. They finished up and said goodbye and went home. I hope Kelly can get some sleep tonight.

No one in my family was home until 7 or 7:30, so I napped a while, checked email and did sit-ups in the living room, then went and put together a bed frame that's been sitting in Jack's old room for a week or so now. We don't have a mattress to put on it yet, but still, pretty cool.

Dinner was chili/split pea soup (mixed leftovers and surprisingly good) over steamed kale. Delicious. We finished eating around 9:50, which I found pretty funny.

Clearly I don't have much to say--just wanted to write something I guess. I'm still working at maintaining a positive attitude/outlook, which is easier some moments than others. It's still hard for me to handle having a job where I don't feel like I'm doing anything that matters. Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself. Maybe it's just hard for me to handle having a job that I have to shape my life around. I've never been very enthusiastic about time commitments. Lately I've woken up angry or annoyed every day, which stinks, obviously. It's just a hurdle to jump, first thing in the morning. It helps a little though when I know that David's up too, and I can text him good morning. Part of me wishes (the completely insane part?) that I were back at R-MA in the mornings, dragging myself out of bed, hugging David, waking the kids up, going to breakfast, turning in the dorm report, going back to sleep. I mean, I definitely miss the going back to sleep part, but it's just weird for me to be missing the dorm all of the sudden. Didn't I hate it? Wasn't I miserable? I guess there were a lot of moments that I wasn't; but the unhappiness stood out so strongly that it was all I saw, and still all I could see until just a few days ago. Now I'm remembering the sweet moments--moments with David, time spent cleaning my apartment, the laughter and silliness of children, the kind faces I saw every morning in the cafeteria. Even just the general peace or satisfaction or whatever it is that I feel when I can work with or be around children. I hadn't thought that it was present there, but now that I'm gone and missing it I see that it was. I miss being around kids so much that I'm nearly tearing up just writing it.

David: move here. (June: hurry up and arrive so David can move here!)

*Edit: do my sentences seem incredibly choppy to anyone else, or is it just me? Reading back over what I just wrote feels like trying to drive home in 5:00 traffic, but when I went back to fix it I didn't see much that I can do. Is this because I'm tired or something? (Humor me and say yes.)

1 comment:

  1. choppy sentences? if they're there it's for a reason. that's good, honest, real writing. content overcomes eloquence!

    sometimes i feel like i'm around my little son so much that it makes me want to cry.

    from frustration.

    it's hard to be content when you're not getting what you want. especially when you're waiting for things to change and can't change them yourself.