Thursday, July 8, 2010

Writing and writing and writing.

A product of too much time on my computer, I guess. How much time can I spend half-clothed in direct sunlight every day? How many other things can I do without spending money? Not that much and not that many. I'm not trying to complain. Just making excuses.

Anyway I realized I haven't been entirely honest about David, and maybe it doesn't matter or maybe I shouldn't; maybe it will make things worse, but I know, David, that you do check or have been checking up on this sometimes. And documentation helps me, later.

I must have written your name in the sand at least ten times at Moomaw while I was trying to lifeguard. Just writing with my fingers and then wiping it away. Once I wrote your family's names too. I couldn't focus. I switched out with Dale in part because I needed to think about anything else. I had been doing such a good job of keeping my mind closed, but thoughts of you crept back in and I ended up staring at you on the insides of my eyelids in my tent when I should have been sleeping.

I thought maybe it would stop, but it hasn't yet. It's been in and out, like the waves, but nearly always there to some extent lately. And ain't that always the way. Yesterday was pretty hard. I guess the beach is pretty hard because even though we never could make a beach trip together work, I always wanted to, so much. I have a three-year habit of thinking of you at the beach and wishing you were around. Plus there's a damn outdoor shower. Of course there is. I haven't used it.

I've been staying up late texting at nights, playing mentor to a kid from camp who is great and who needs it. I am so glad to do that, so glad to be able to help, so glad of reassuring human contact without the stress of actual face-to-face interaction, but I need to sleep. And I need to get human contact from people my age. I just  have a hard time, especially when I'm tired, with anything in groups--anything that isn't one-on-one. And as this is a group trip, and as the person here with whom I would like to spend one-on-one time is the host and also rather popular, there is precious little alone time to go around.
I know, or at least I get the feeling, that people in the house (particularly "adults"--parents) are annoyed with my near-constant computer usage. I'm sure I'd be annoyed too. I'd like to make some excuses here, where they aren't listening, where I won't seem quite so childish or ungrateful. And I am not ungrateful!
I am so tired. The sun wears me out. I love everyone in this house but all except one or two wear me out. I guess maybe I've been using this computer a little like a shield. I'm sorry.

And I would like to apologize for writing such depressing things. Judging by the above paragraphs I'd have to say I'm not feeling particularly well this morning and also I am exhausted, and I just want to go back to sleep, but I feel that I must go to the beach instead because to do otherwise would be wasteful and irresponsible and ungrateful. Such helpful emotions I've got running around in my head. Ugh. Maybe I'll have something more positive to say later. Love to anyone stopping in here. Notes would be appreciated--I'm lonely.


  1. So you seem to think that this post sounds depressed. To me it sounds tired. But what possible reason could you have for that? You left a session of camp (I know of few things in this world with the capacity to wear one out more than a hard (good) week working camp), and now it sounds like you're part of a fair sized group of people. So it sounds like you simply haven't had enough time to recharge - particularly on the introversion side of things. Maybe you are using the computer as a shield - a reason to be alone while you're still with people. But does that make it a bad thing? I'll leave that decision to you.
    Regardless, I hope you continue having a wonderful time, and can get the much needed rest you need (in whatever form you most need it). :-)