I want to say that I am profoundly unhappy, though I don't know that "profound" is the appropriate word. Maybe. I know it will come and go.
Today the Across The Universe cover of "Hey Jude" came on my ipod, and I started to feel all twisted up inside. It reminded me of the time the same song came on in Fran's car in college, just after David had told me that he wasn't going to come home for Christmas and before I knew that I could go visit, and I almost fell apart there in the middle of all my friends who had no idea what was going on. Today I wrote it down in my phone:
I feel twisted up inside like a bent and rusted old pile of scrap metal. We switch so fast--moods changing as quickly as lighting gels in the theater.
It's one of those times where "fake it till you make it" doesn't make anything--it's just fake, fake, fake. Distractions come easily enough, usually, luckily. But otherwise it's just fake and I'm no good at those plastic smiles. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Something else I wrote on the way to Arkansas that I've been reminded of several times and have been meaning to put here (sorry if I posted it three days ago or whatever and forgot):
As we drive Westward, rushing on
and on toward Memphis on the river I40,
the kudzu-covered shapes of trees rise
from the earth, crazily and crookedly
like Wild Things,
and watch us as we pass.