Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Stuff I need to do

Introduce sparkles to my wardrobe.

Apply for this thing.

Get my jacket off the sofa.

Stop participating in this pattern: stay up till 3 (or 2 or 4) am; sleep till 9; be awakened for some unforeseen thing at 9 or 10; lie angrily or dejectedly in bed, trying in vain to lose consciousness, for a couple of hours; get up and do stuff.

Look at this picture some more.

I'm pretty sure I forgot something, but I think it'll be ok.

I have been interested to mull over the idea that when I make these grand (or perhaps not so grand) proclamations about myself or the way I feel about things, they are actually just snapshots of moments. I feel this way in this moment, and this moment may last for ten seconds or for a year, or two, or more. That my life is (I began to type "just," but thought better of it) a continuous, interlinked strand of moments. That I am a collection of moments. That all of my relationships, and all of yours, are built of them.

I also had a conversation with Sara earlier about things I am afraid of doing, and how I should probably allow for the possibility of them happening anyway, even though almost everything in me rebels against the idea. (I'm not good at opening up to people. It doesn't feel safe to me.) And after I came home from tutoring tonight*, I was suddenly having trouble remembering why I shouldn't just stay closed off and keep myself safe that way. Why should I try to connect with people, again? Then I remembered.

Look. I tried living out of fear. I tried shaping my life around the avoidance of things I was afraid of. It was no kind of life. That's why.

*It's finals week, and I missed four sessions over the holiday and Scotland, so I tutored Suzanne for two hours last night and two hours, fifteen minutes tonight. English yesterday and social studies today. It was great. I should maybe ditch this swim thing and find more people to tutor. Does anybody need tutoring in anything?

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