Thursday, October 22, 2009

Chris's death

Even after all this crying, calling, planning, and aching, every one more minute I live is just one more confirmation like a kick in the gut that it's true, that this isn't a dream, that I'm not going to wake up and find him still alive, smiling and laughing like always. I want to vomit. I want to vomit. I want to vomit.

1 comment:

  1. I remember that feeling when I lost my best friend shortly after we graduated from high school. She did not take her own life, but was gone suddenly and without warning. I remember thinking it was quite selfish of her to die... she would have been the one I would have called to help me through all the hurt, anger and helplessness of grieving. Others tried to help me, but didn't know how, and I couldn't tell them how because I had no idea that I would ever recover from the body blow that her death had caused me. Knowing there was nothing I could do to have stopped her leaving did nothing to assuage the guilt and pain of her passing, and I still have some guilt about not wanting to get together a few days before she died, because I didn't know it was going to be my last chance to see her. You may never know or understand why Chris did what he did, but hopefully you will forgive him so as the immediate pain of loss loses it's sharp edge, you will be free to remember what you love about him, and not so much the anger and confusion his actions have caused. In the meantime, realize that the urge to vomit always follows a kick in the gut, there is no need to resist the urge. I am so sorry for your loss, and the loss of those with whom you share this grief. You all have my prayers.
    Terri Burchfield