Thursday, October 1, 2009

How did I get to be so weird?

Alright, so I've been thinking of a couple of things I wanted to say since whenever it was I last posted on here, and the first is this: I like pink. I mean, I'm really starting to like pink. Anyone who doesn't know the ridiculous details of all my little eccentricities would probably be thinking at this juncture something along the lines of "Yeah? So?" And I understand that. But speaking as someone who has for the last fourteen years or so steadfastly maintained a dislike for pretty much anything strongly associated with frilliness or femininity, the fact that I'm pretty upset over missing out on this one blindingly bright pink baggy silk jacket at the thrift store is more than a little weird for me.

Second, this (not the "pink" thing, but another weirdity) has been something I've recognized as an issue for a long time, but have never (that I remember) been able to put my finger on until last night: I am embarrassed about having emotions. Obviously, logically, I know that pretty much everyone has emotions, and therefore it is safe to assume that everyone I meet, should they assume anything about me, safely and rightly assumes that I also have emotions. But still, for example, I sometimes get this twinge of embarrassment when I'm affectionate toward David in public, especially if there's someone else around that I know. And it is not even a little bit about David-- it is about me being ashamed to admit that I have romantic feelings for another human. You know what's one of the things that worries me most about being married someday? I worry about getting pregnant. Right now you're probably thinking that I don't want kids, or if you know me a little better, that I am terrified to the point of feeling ill when I think too closely about childbirth. (Despite the fact that I want to have kids, I am that terrified sometimes.) Those aren't the reasons. Here is the reason: should I become pregnant, people will know how that happened. Specifically, people would know that I was the sort of person that has sex. Ignoring the verb tense issues in that sentence... I am a freak.

No comments:

Post a Comment