Sunday, March 20, 2011

From both sides of the border.

Written in the early afternoon:

The things I have evidently not been allowing myself to remember to talk about are building. I'm in such a terrible mood today. I'm so disappointed in myself--in my actions, in my thoughts, in who I am.

Don't worry, I'll probably stop being so emo soon.

But I miss David today, which, to be frank, is awful. Off and on I've been missing being-in-a-relationship, obviously, but today my brain jumped to him without permission, and I started yelling profanities in the car.

I am considering the idea of listing things with which I am running out of patience.

Written in the early evening:

As I had hoped, the bad mood has lessened with the progression of the day, with work, with the eating of thin mints and the enjoyment of NPR. The level of deliciousness present in the common thin mint cookie simply defies reason. It doesn't even make sense how tasty they are.

It occurred to me as I walked down those exterior stairs into the basement where I've been painting that, although an argument could be made that this was just a "bad day," such an argument should not be made. Yes, Augie threw up some small pieces of plastic this morning. Yes, I was late to church for no reason. Yes, my brain jumped to David and yes I've been sinking energy into this one obnoxious-as-hell Godforsaken website (not blogger, of course) for a week or two and I'm getting sick of it, but those things should not be allowed to dictate my mood. And they don't. I dictate it. I am in charge. It's a good thing to remember.

Currently I'm waiting for Augie to digest his dinner for a little while before taking him for a walk, then I'll be heading to Kelly's. I've been unintentionally flaky and obnoxious toward her this weekend, and she is so forgiving. I don't deserve it. Why does she like me, again?

Also, please, for the love of God, do not ever let me get a dog. I do not want a dog. Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, f-ing ever. They're sweet and everything, but for me, the walking and the feeding and the poop-scooping and vomit-cleaning and the inability to leave them for any length of time and the vet's bills and the training and so on are so not worth it. Not even close to worth it. Also, I loathe puppy eyes. The dominance of this part of me varies depending on my mood and level of fatigue and so on, but it is always there.

Lastly, and unrelatedly, I love poetry. Some of you people who are theoretically reading this probably already know that. Apparently April is National Poetry Month here in the states, which I've probably realized before but never bothered to try to remember. It's awesome though. Awesome. This information courtesy of nateshorb.

In honor of all this and also because I just now remembered, here's a poem that this morning I was thinking of posting. It is by John Donne. You may recognize it. It's been my anthem off and on for a long time now.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for, you
as yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
that I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town, to another due,
labor to admit you, but oh, to no end,
reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
but is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly "I love you," and would be loved fain,
but am betrothed unto your enemy:
divorce me, untie, or break that knot again;
take me to you, imprison me, for I

except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

(Sonnets FTW. Traditional paragraph breaks inserted by me for ease of reading/decoding.)

Okay and lastly for real this time, whilst typing the above and deciding on a case-by-case basis whether to preserve or update archaic spelling and punctuation, I was reminded of this most excellent song by a band known as Vampire Weekend:

Aside from the excellence of the music, I would like you to note the fact that this entire video is one continuous shot.

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