Sunday, September 12, 2010

Blue skies and m-f-ing sunshine

I feel like I complain about David here all the time. Maybe I don't. Maybe I do.  Maybe no one cares, but I don't care (much) about that. I still miss him, and often--not usually in a "my life is utterly miserable" way, but sort of in the background I guess. Like that C.S. Lewis quote about his late wife, though I'm sure not quite so intense: his absence "is like the sky, spread over everything." I think I've posted it before. It's just a general pervasive feeling of sadness and helplessness, a feeling that there isn't anything I can do beyond hoping he'll change his mind. And being myself I still wonder--am I just making myself miserable? Am I holding on out of habit, out of a lack of another option at the moment? And who the hell knows? I just know there's a big empty David-shaped hole walking around with me, and I wish he'd step back in and fill it. And still I hesitate. Which makes me want to fucking run myself into a wall. Super awesome.

Somebody find me a job, will you? Something to occupy at least some of my time? Maybe then I'll stop half-sleeping all day and waking up to spit out some bile before eating dinner, staying up half the night, and throwing myself back into that hated bed. I am so sick of job interviews I really could spit bile.

1 comment: