Thursday, May 6, 2010

Because David said he hoped that I wouldn't stop writing about him

after he told me he was reading.

Not in a self-centered way of course, but more in an "I want to know what you're honestly thinking" sort of way.

As honest as I can be, anyway, on a blog that I know people I know are reading.

Jr and I are going to RMA this weekend to pick up my couch. This means we'll be staying in the same building as David, and Jr might actually be staying in David's apartment. I'm looking forward to visiting people at RMA, and I am tentatively (with fear and trembling) looking forward to seeing David, but my track record since we broke up hasn't been great. I'm not sure there's been one time that I've seen him since then that I haven't ended up sobbing during or immediately after the visit. I'm not sure there have been more than one or two times that we've talked since then that I haven't cried after (or before) hanging up the phone. Texting seems to be pretty okay, most of the time. The big problem, which becomes bigger in direct proportion to the closeness of our contact (hence texting being relatively okay vs. actual hanging out inducing meltdowns), is that I have a very hard time getting my subconscious mind (and, who am I kidding? Conscious mind too a lot of the time) to accept our not being together. Today I texted, because David occasionally gives/gave me a hard time about being a bad Southerner, "I am eating lima beans of my own free will." David texted back "10 points." It took a lot of doing for me not to text back "Thanks baby."

It's largely that "Thanks baby"-ing, hug-giving, hand-holding, mouth-kissing knee-jerk reaction that gets me into big fucking trouble when I interact with David. I automatically start to react as though we're together, I catch myself, I have to decide whether to go ahead, or attempt to go ahead with whatever I was about to do, and then I implode. Man, it's fantastic.

In other news, this Glee obsession might be getting a little out of hand. That's a complete lie, actually, because it's really not any more out of hand than any other recent obsession, Plants v. Zombies definitely included. Really I'm just wondering whether this will burn out as quickly as most of the others, or whether I'll end up on some teenybopper chat room posting comments like "omg, Puck totally has the best lips of any of the guys on Glee." (He does, by the way.)

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